Hello, 2016

This is going to be a rather short blog, but I have to reflect on this year. When 2015 rolled around, I was excited. I kept thinking, "this is going to be such a great year for me!" I realized quickly that maybe it wasn't going to be all that great. I got my heart broken at the beginning of the year. It started out wonderful the first two months, then I was knocked down. The impact was not something I expected. It was brutal. All around me was broken pieces, and trying to pick them up took time. The sharp edges hurt and left scars and cuts on me. And even after I picked up the pieces, getting them to stay was not easy. Finnick Odair wasn't lying when he said, "It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart." Even in such a mess that I found myself in, I realized so much about myself. I realized that:

1.) When I love, I love so deeply and strongly that it becomes a burden. But it's also such a blessing. That's why I hurt so easily and the main reason for why I get heartbroken. 

2.) I solely relied on others to make me happy. That's where I went wrong. Happiness shouldn't be determined by how others make you feel, you should find happiness in God and who you are.

3.) I can't let things go. I can't let people go. I can't let memories go. I can't let feelings go. And that's okay. It'll all make a great novel someday. 

Things did get better. Not saying I didn't struggle sometimes, because I did. I spent a lot of time crying and crying and crying until I couldn't cry no more. Many moments I felt my heart was being ripped apart again and again. But I decided to make a change in myself. I needed confidence, to feel less insecure about myself. I changed my hair, and I have no regrets about it. In fact, I love my hair now. And I practiced makeup so I could feel better about my appearance. Now, that may seem stupid, but it helped. I am more confident than I was in the past. I also tried to change inner issues I faced, and in some areas I have succeeded and I am so proud of myself. One thing I will say, is God walked every part of 2015 with me. From the moment my heart was broken to now as I write this. I experienced Him and His love for me in ways I can't describe. This next year, I desire to know Him more. I have dreams of spreading His word to people in whatever way I can. I want my heart to continually burn for Him, and only Him. He has been my rock this year, my love when I had no love. I am ever grateful for that.

I have high hopes for 2016, but I know it will not go how I planned at all. In ways, that's the beauty of it. Not knowing where you'll end up or what will happen. Will good things happen? Bad things? The curiousity is thrilling! I'm praying this year will be full of Jesus, writing, music, laughter, and hopefully a really nice gentleman who will sweep me off my feet! ;) just kidding. I don't need a boyfriend, but I would enjoy one. You hear that, Jesus?!(; 

That's about all I have to write about. Make this next year a good one. Spend time with the people who matter, forget about the ones who don't. You deserve to be happy, don't settle for less than that. I'm praying for each person who reads this. May you be blessed beyond comprehension in 2016. May you find whatever it is that you're looking for and may all your wildest dreams and desires come true! 

I Will Go Before You

"You can't avoid me forever," a voice said from behind.

I sighed quietly, and turned to face him. "I wasn't avoiding you."

He sat down next to me. "I know you better than you think. Now, talk to me. I'm ready to listen." 

I took a deep breath. It was stupid, really. How can you explain a feeling you can't seem to understand yourself? "It's nothing worth talking about."

"Everything that you feel is worth talking about. I don't care how ridiculous it is. I want to listen to you."

I couldn't avoid his strong gaze. His eyes were pouring into mine, and I found myself almost getting lost into them. "I'm scared."

"Why are you scared?" he asked.

"I'm scared that I'll never heal. I'll never fully move on. I'll never let go of the past. I'm scared that no one is going to want me," I said, tears starting to form in my eyes. "I'm the type that can never let anything go. I can't let this person go, oh but I need to. I can't let go of the memories, the laughs.. All of it. But they seem to be doing such an excellent job at it. I don't get it, you know? I want to let it go, and move on, but how can I let go of something that made me so happy? How do I accept that? And even though I find them so hard to let go of, I am just desperately wanting to find something else. I can't explain what I'm trying to find, because I don't really know. I don't know anything. I'm worried that I'm too unlovable. I try to be everything a person can want.. But I'm terrified that it's not working. Is something wrong with me? Why do I still feel this way? It weighs me down. And I can't take it anymore."

My heart ached with loneliness. I had no idea how he was going to react to that rant. Nothing that I felt made any sense to me.

"Have you forgotten that I will go before you and make the crooked places straight?" he asked, his face as serious as ever.

That one question immediately shattered my heart. 

"Jesus.. I'm so sorry," I said, sobbing at his feet. "I know all of that. I do. I don't understand any of this. I have drifted so far from you."

"My Father's plan for you has always been good. You have to believe that," he said, lifting my head to meet his gaze.

"I love you. I didn't die for you to live your life believing you are unlovable. You are beautiful, worthy of all the love there is to offer. But you need to find it in me before you find it in someone else. Then, and only then, will everything begin to fall into place. Everything that's happened to you, is molding you into exactly what you need to be. Trust me." He gripped my hand tightly. 

"I... I trust you, Jesus. I love you. Please fix me," I said, weeping. 

"Look at me," he said, lifting me up on my feet. I stared into his eyes, his eyes full of fire and raging with love. "Walk in my strength and never let your faith waver. Don't you ever doubt my love for you. It's always here even when someone fails to love you for everything you are. My love is the only thing you'll ever need."

I nodded. "I'm so sorry that I've avoided you. I was just too humiliated to actually admit that I've been a mess."

"There's nothing wrong with asking for my help whenever you find yourself empty. All I desire is to lavish my love on you." he said, pulling me into his embrace.

For the first time in a long time, my heart suddenly felt hopeful. I wanted to laugh and cry all at once. "Thank you. I promise I'll always come to you whenever I need you."

"I'm just a simple call away," he said, his smile making my heart warm and full.

I watched him walk away, in awe of his perfection. Never had I seen such a loving, gentle soul before. I felt lucky that he thought I was worth something. Every trace of fear I had before seemed to have washed away with my tears. 

"You are so amazing, Lord. I owe you everything and more. Thank you for putting me back together again." I whispered.

------

"Lead me to You. Forever, Lord, I will pursue, I will pursue. You've won my heart,

Jesus, You're all that I want--all that I want." -Hillsong Worship

He Has Overcome

                     

So much grief and sorrow has occurred in the past day. It truly breaks my heart to see what has been happening in Paris. Why is this happening? Our world is becoming more corrupted and more consumed into darkness. It shouldn't be this way. 

The older I get, and the more I witness all of this evil, the more evident it is to me how badly we need Jesus. We NEED Jesus. There is no other solution--He is the only solution. We are under attack, evil is upon us now more than ever. It's not enough to just say "Pray for Paris." Don't say you will and not ever actually do it. Your words mean nothing if you don't actually take the time to pray. 

This is a time to unite together, everyone in the world. It's time to put aside our differences, our beliefs, and just love one another. Maybe if we actually did that, maybe there wouldn't be this suffering and brokenness in our world. God has called us to love.. To love deeply and passionately. I keep thinking of a line from a book I'm reading right now that says, "It is so happy to love." Isn't it though? How can these people who commit all these acts of evil find happiness in that? I truly believe it's because they have not encountered True Love Himself. 

As I'm writing this, Forever by Kari Jobe is playing. This song perfectly explains everything I want to say right now. 

"Forever He is glorified

Forever He is lifted high

Forever He is risen

He is alive, He is alive

We sing hallelujah

We sing hallelujah

We sing hallelujah

The Lamb has overcome.."

I just love that line that says The Lamb Has Overcome. ISIS can continue to strike, they can continue to kill innocent people, they can continue to try to put fear into our hearts, but at the end of the day, they stand no chance against God. Let me say that again--THEY STAND NO CHANCE AGAINST GOD. They better realize that now. They will have to answer to God on Judgement Day. Satan can not and will not win. His fate is already sealed. It warms my heart to know that God is closer to all of us now than ever. He's there in the midst of suffering, He's there whenever nothing makes sense. He's the God who comforts, heals, and mourns with us. I am more confident than ever that God is going to make this broken mess into something beautiful.

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." -John 1:5

Why A Neurosurgeon Earned My Respect - An Open Letter To Dr. Ben Carson

If you have been paying attention to the news, you would see that Dr. Ben Carson, a successful and well-known neurosurgeon, is running for President. Some would say that a doctor simply isn't capable of running for President, but I disagree. Just because a man isn't a politician does not mean he isn't capable of leading our country. To be a doctor, you have to be extremely intelligent. Not everyone is cut out for the endless hours of studying that you to put in to become one. Ben Carson is a smart man, and he knows a lot. I highly recommend everyone to read his book Gifted Hands. There was also a movie made too with the same title, and I truly enjoyed it. It's his entire story told through his eyes, from growing up poor in Detroit with his mother and brother, to overcoming the odds and becoming a neurosurgeon at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore.

If you have never taken the time to read up on Ben, I suggest you do so. I get asked frequently why I love and support him so much, and the answer is simple. I'm drawn to him. His story is so profound and moving. He is living proof of what God can do for us--make us into something great. I've watched several videos of speeches he's given, and I can recall the first speech he ever gave that I watched. It was at the National Prayer Breakfast in 2013. I don't know a lot about politics, and I have never had an interest in politics. But watching his speech, I found myself enjoying it and even understanding what he was saying. It just made sense, and it sparked an interest in me. His views on education made me question the way I looked at it. I've always thought of school as a prison, and I wondered why it was so necessary. Ben strongly believes education is essential, and now I'm slowly understanding why. Especially hearing about his mother pushing Ben and his brother to make better grades, and how it effected their lives today. Everything about his story needs to be heard.

People seem to grow tired of me talking about him so much, and I apologize to everyone who gets tired. I firmly believe Ben is what America needs. When you're passionate about something, you tend to talk about it a lot. I know he has what it takes to lead us. 

Now, a personal letter to Ben:

Dear Ben,

I'm writing this letter to you because I fear that whenever I meet you, I will not have time to tell you all the things I wish to say. I know you will be on a time limit, as you have another book signing to attend in Springfield immediately following the Joplin signing. My hope is that I will have the chance to give you a copy of this post so you can read it and know everything that I have to say to you. 

I first heard about you from a man named Occeeh. This man grew up with nothing in Nigeria, and he was inspired by you, because he could relate to some of your struggles. He then decided to become a doctor and come to America. I know you've met this man before, and the thought of that makes me so happy. When I found out you were running for President, I was intrigued. I started researching you more, finding speeches you had given in the past. It led me to believe that you were exactly what we've all been waiting for.

Your story has impacted me in ways I can't explain. You make me want to be better. I want to know more and do more because of the way you live your life. I can just tell you are genuine and true, a kind of man that will be sincere and care for the people of this country. I would feel safe if you were our President, and I think God is using you to bring hope to this world that has lost its way. 

I sincerely hope you win this election. I hope America gives you a chance to show everything you can do for us. I will not be able to vote, because I will not have yet reached eighteen during election time. However, I will continue to support you no matter what. I believe in you, and I believe in what you are doing. You are a successful man with a strong faith. Don't let anyone who is against you take that from you. Continue to stand strong in what you believe, you are inspiring so many. I know the amount of criticism and hate you get, and I respect how you don't let it get to you. 

I pray for you continuously, and I can't wait to meet you. Good luck, Dr. Ben Carson. You will always have my support. I'm proud of what you're doing, and I know God is too. Remember these verses: Romans 8:31 and Philippians 4:13. 

With much love,

Jessalyn Ulrich

You Don't Give Your Heart In Pieces

I have been a huge fan of Bethel music for awhile now. So whenever I discovered a member of Bethel, Amanda Cook, was making a solo album, I was extremely excited, especially because 'You Make Me Brave' is my jam song and it's beautifully written and sung. So far, 'Pieces' is my favorite song on Amanda's album A Brave New World. I'm sharing something Amanda wrote about this song on her blog, because it perfectly describes why she wrote such a beautiful song. 

//

"These thoughts are of a different kind of love, a complete and sure thing, a certain thing. One that defines and refines me.  One that is at rest and peace.  One that never has to prove it’s power because it simply IS.  One that doesn’t have to overcompensate or shrink back due to insecurity, because it is completely secure in itself.  In its fullness I am found.  In its assurance I rest my case.

This love is God Himself, and God is Love incarnate.  He is one and the same, and His will, His desire, is that all would come to understand that He, Love Himself, has always been for us.  He has always been on our side.  And the more we study the bravery of His Son, in laying down His life for us, the more we discover that He is not holding his heart at arms length, like a tease, enough for us to see but not close enough to know.  Rather, He has invited us completely in…to be surrounded and supported by the breath of love itself.

We exist because of Love, and in its will we have our being."

//

I could cry every time I read that. Our worlds definition of love is so corrupt these days. It makes me sick having to witness so many heartbreaks. The world tries to teach us what love is, and how to love--but it's the complete opposite of what love is all about. God IS love, and because He loves us, we're given the power to not only love others, but to love ourselves. 

I've had a few heartbreaks in my life, and even though I learned from them and became better, they still hurt. I'm realizing that a boyfriend can't complete me, because a boyfriend can't love me the way God loves me. Earthly love is flawed, Heavenly love is perfect. I have to remind myself constantly that I'm perfectly whole without a significant other, because God is all I need, especially during this season in my life. God is relentlessly pursuing my heart, and I'm well-aware of it.

I spent last night feeling kind of sad about some stuff. I felt lonely, and I missed the feeling of having someone. Instead of fueling that gloom and thinking about how miserable I felt, I immediately turned on worship music and sang along until the feeling left me. It was like the Holy Spirit came in and replaced my feelings with His love. And that, that is what I've come to love about God. 

This morning I've listened to Pieces on repeat. I can't get its lyrics out of my head. I highly encourage anyone who reads this to go and listen to the song. It is so powerful. It describes the beauty of God's love, and you can feel His presence so strongly while listening to it. I'm in awe of Amanda for writing such a moving song. Listen to it, listen to the lyrics, and discover what love truly is. 

"Your love's not fractured, it's not a troubled mind. It isn't anxious, it's not the restless kind. Your love's not passive, it's never disengaged, it's always present, it hangs on every word we say. Love keeps its promises, it keep its word, it honors what's sacred, cause its vows are good. Your love's not broken, it's not insecure, Your love's not selfish, Your love is pure. You don't give Your heart in pieces, You don't hide Yourself to tease us."

 

Take Me Deeper Than My Feet Could Ever Wander

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger.. in the presence of my Savior."

Such simple, sweet words of praise to a Savior who is worthy of it all. These words come from a song called "Oceans" by Hillsong United. It is in my opinion the best and most powerful worship song known to date. I can't help but get emotional every time I hear the song playing, and I find myself wanting to shout the lyrics as loud as I can get. 

I'm not here to rant about why Oceans is such an amazing song. (I'll rant about that another day.) I'm here to talk about how God has been moving in my heart. It's so crazy to think that in a few short moments, your life can radically change for the better or for the worst. Last Sunday morning, mine changed for the better.

This year has been full of great, wonderful moments. I can honestly say I've had a lot of fun and experienced so much life. It hasn't all been great though. I've felt pain, despair, anger, jealousy, and confusion like none other. Some nights I felt like my life was completely falling apart, that at any second I could just break. The thing is, while I was falling apart, I was actually coming together. I know that doesn't really make sense, but I'll try to explain it the best I can.

Most people who know me know that I grew up in church; in fact, it's basically my entire life. The past year or so, I've really become passionate about my relationship with God. I always felt like my connection with Him wasn't as strong as it could be. I felt disappointed, I wanted to be closer with Him. It's not like it was God's fault, it was my fault. 

Back in March, I hit rock bottom. I was suddenly questioning everything.. And it was just a dark time in my life. Once you've fallen, it really is hard to get back up. Sometimes I just wanted to stay on the ground. I truly believe God picked me up during that time. He was after my heart, and I can't help but wonder if I hadn't hit rock bottom, where would my relationship with God be right now? 

The thing about Christianity is there's all these different denominations--Methodist, Baptist, Catholic, etc. People ask me what denomination I am, and I say Non-Denominational. I've never liked how there was all these different denominations. Non-Denominational beliefs can mean so many different things. Basically what I believe is the same power that rose Jesus from the grave is the power that lives in us whenever we accept Jesus Christ as our Savior and Lord. Everything that Jesus did on Earth is available for us. I believe in the Holy Spirit as well. If you're ever curious about topics like the Holy Soirit, I advise you to read your Bible and do some research for yourself--you won't regret it. Everything that they did in the Bible--healing, speaking in tongues, etc., still applies to our world today. This stuff is real stuff. Really pray about this stuff and dig deep into the Word so you can understand all the things available to us as believers. Satan really has no hold over us, we have a power unlike any other inside of us. (Read Acts 2 and 1 Corinthians 14.)

I told my best friend months ago that I wanted to deepen my relationship with God and be filled with the Holy Spirit. But I always thought, "I'm too young, my relationship with God isn't strong enough, I'm not worthy." It had become a secret desire of mine, and only two or three people knew about it. So for months I secretly prayed for this.. And researched and researched like crazy. 

There's a verse that says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

This verse has become true to me this past week. After falling part and hitting rock bottom, I finally found the strength to get back up again. Things just began to change, I felt happier. Of course, there are the days whenever I feel sad about the stuff that caused me to hit rock bottom, but I know God works out all things for the good of those who love Him. 

Last Sunday during church, I was in a pretty decent mood. At the end of church, we always do an Invitiation, where we invite you to the alter to pray, or you could pray with the preacher, who happens to be my Papa. I just stood there, and I didn't go up there or anything. Not a lot of young people really do, unless they go with maybe a parent or something. Suddenly, I felt led to go up there. I can't explain why.. But something was telling me, GO. I acted on it, I listened to whatever it was. I went right up to my Papa, and I said, "I don't have a request or anything. But will you please pray over me?" 

So he began to pray over me, but then he said to me, "the moment I touched you, God told me that you need to be prayed over so you can be filled with the Holy Spirit." 

I instantly began to cry my eyes out, not because I was scared or upset--but because I had wanted this for so long and I didn't even have to ask. God knew.. And He was ready to give me the desires of my heart. I accepted this invitation to be filled with the Holy Spirit, and I can tell you all this; it is the absolute best thing that's probably ever happened to me. I felt like something came over me and filled me with life, and a feeling of pure joy and happiness that I've never, ever in my sixteen years of living, felt before. 

I keep thinking of those lyrics from Hillsong Young & Free, "This is living now. You take me higher than I've been before, it's Your perfect love that sees me soar. God, Your freedom is an open door, You are everything I want and more." 

I know a lot of people might think I'm crazy for the way I believe, but I've basically stopped caring. This stuff isn't a joke, it's God. It sounds like God, it feels like God. I just ask before you question someone's walk with God, to pray about it and read the Word. I will say it again and again. Find the answers for yourself. There's so much more to God than people realize. 

I know my relationship with God is really just beginning, and I'm SO excited to see where we go from here. I hope He uses me, because I'm willing and able. I am nothing but a servant to Him, and I gladly take that title and accept it because I wouldn't want it any other way. 

I'm praying over each person who reads this post. I hope your relationship with God becomes stronger than ever before, and His love floods your heart and fills you with new life. You are never alone. If you ever need a friend, I'm always here. Reach out to me. Continue to pursue God, because it does get better. It's getting better and better for me. I love you all. 

-Jessalyn

Letting Go Of A Piece Of My Life

I've gotten pretty good at telling myself that it's fine. "It'll be okay, sleep it off" or "don't worry about it, you're just tired." Recently I've discovered that those combinations of words are passive lies we tell ourselves. I've felt the change come but I couldn't possess the urge to ensure that I could handle the change and keep myself from living a certain lie. That certain lie is that everything will endure. Life isn't a cosmic vending machine, neither is God. So we must hold on for the ride of, literally, a lifetime. 

When I mention that change comes, I mean the change of people. People develop and mature, but unfortunately that means those relationships fade out. I've attempted to find a way to save it, but I'm through hurting myself to try and save a hope that has fleeted me months ago. 

In a way, change is something I welcome. I've never been the most secure person either. Therefore that ever-so-perfect combination means that I'm often uncomfortable with the change that I always try to leave my door open to. However, I feel like now is the time to get ahold of my life, because if I don't now, I never will. 

The first effort I try to give in any situation is my upmost care and help. However, when you feel like you're about to go off a cliff, I'd assume most people would take a step back and realize that it's not worth it. See, going off a cliff would be so thrilling... Until the impact at the bottom. We never realize that the fun and games will have an end. We never think ahead towards the ending, especially when our lives are going exceptionally well. 

That's why you must be the Captain of your own life. Your heart decides who you want in your life. It guides you along the voyage of life just like the stars guiding sailors of old. We must be reminded that even though we are guided away to a different destination, the point can remain on the map. The piece of that person can remain in your heart. 

I encourage everyone to let their hearts lead them along where their stars have said they are going. There are so many places that you can be lead. Take control. As Taya Smith says; "And if from the course You intend I depart, speak to the sails of my wandering heart." So in other words, never hesitate to make sure that along the journey, decide who and what will be best in your journey's path and you follow along that path to the best of your ability. 

As for me, I shall do the same. Letting go those who bring me down, or lead me to a dangerous cliff has been a haunting ghost in my life. It's a treacherous course to take, however, if you deserve more than being that convenient friend, then don't suffer. Remember why you had to put more in than you ever got back. Don't bring yourself down. Take initiative and let that person or thing go. If you love something, especially yourself, be courageous and know that your life must be lead and take the steps to leave the heartache where it lies. 

Just remember that nothing is forever, people change, things change, and life is most definitely like a box of chocolates. So never forget that you are worth more than you could ever imagine. You deserve more than you know. 

Stay classy my friends,

William 

Love and Sacrifices

I truly believe love requires sacrifice. No matter how big or small it may be, sacrifice is still sacrifice. Whether it be with family, friends, or a significant other, you have to sacrifice to love. It doesn't matter if it's your time, energy, heart, being vulnerable, opening up, there's so many sacrifices. I believe it's so important, and I've really discovered this in my own life. 

We've all heard the famous line from Nicholas Sparks' novel The Longest Ride, which is, "Love requires sacrifice, but it's worth it."

Nicholas Sparks knows a lot about love, I mean, think about how many copies he's sold on each published book! (A lot, people, A LOT.) I think he said it right! 

I'll share a little experience of my own with you all. I've had someone let go of me, and for the longest (and sometimes still to this day) time, I pondered over why. There was reasons given to me, but I couldn't help but wonder if there was something more. What if they were letting me go because they loved me? Maybe the timing wasn't right.. I don't know. All I knew was I didn't want to stop fighting. If this person was giving up, someone had to step in and try. I thought to myself, I'll be that person. So I fought. I tried to change things, but to no luck, I failed. Okay, maybe I didn't fail. But nothing changed. It was heartbreaking trying to deal with that. I just had to realize I tried my best and it didn't work out and that's okay. So I made a sacrifice: I let this person go. Letting go is hard and scary and it hurts a lot, but sometimes it's worth it. And well, it doesn't means it's forever. This could be one of the many sacrifices you make for love. Doing what's best for the person you love, even if it hurts you.. That says a lot about you. I applaud you if you've had to do this, you are so brave and I promise you that you will find a once-in-a-lifetime love. 

Now I'm gonna talk a little about two fictional TV show characters whom I love with all my heart. There's not an easy way to really describe Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass. These two are so complicated and crazy, to write about them is pretty hard but I will do my best! 

Their relationship on Gossip Girl.. Oh my lanta. It it a serious love/hate relationship. They are so much alike it would blow your mind. One second they totally hate each other and then they just love each other and you're like, "wait, I'm so confused." But all of that drew me into their story. 

Their common interests made them bond and suddenly you wondered, "what if they like each other?" And so begins the emotional roller coaster that was yet to come. 

It took them a long to admit their love for each other. Believe me, so many times I wanted to pull my hair out because it was so obvious that they did but they were too afraid to confess it. When they finally did, I remember crying like a baby. Finally they were becoming vulnerable with one another, finally they were going to be together.

But is never easy, or simple. People screw up, they make mistakes. Chuck and Blair made many. Their love was real, of course, but that doesn't always mean it'll last. There's one scene I want to talk about, I won't go in full detail in case any of you plan to or are currently watching Gossip Girl. But Blair finds a very nice gentleman and she definitely has feelings for him. Well Chuck isn't one to give up, especially on Blair. One evening Blair and Chuck hang out, and it's then that Blair realizes she wants to be with Chuck, and she tells him that's she's willing to let go of the other guy for him. 

At first Chuck is happy, but then he realizes maybe this isn't what's best for Blair. In this moment, Chuck Bass is a man, and he says no. He tells Blair to go be with that guy. Blair tells him, "People don’t write sonnets about being compatible. Or novels about shared life goals and stimulating conversation. The great loves are the crazy ones."

Chuck says something that literally stuck with me. "There's a difference between a great love and the right love. I left the Empire State Building last year after two minutes when you didn't show. Louis waited all night. This is your chance at happiness. You think you shouldn't want it cause you've never had it and it scares you. But you deserve your fairytale."

This, my friends, is sacrifice. Could you imagine going through with that? I couldn't do it. I couldn't let go. He goes on to say, "But I need to let you go. You need to let go."

Now, I don't know what's next for Chuck and Blair. It might be over for good. Maybe things will change. All I know is Chuck did the right thing. He proves the statement that love requires sacrifice. 

So remember that whenever you get into a relationship. It doesn't matter what kind of sacrifice, how big or small it may be, you will sacrifice something for love. And sometimes it can be a good thing. 

What's on my heart

I'm at war with myself.

This is so hard on me. I'm craving God so desperately--I can feel my hunger and need for Him. Part of me is reaching for Him while another part is being ripped away from His grasp. I feel like Satan is after me more than ever, and I don't know why. I'm so confused. 

I just want it all to stop. It's everything in my life, it's like my world is spinning. I feel like God is with me, but I'm still lonely all at the same time. I miss people so badly and all I want is to see them. I just want to spill everything that's on my mind, to someone, anyone who is listening. 

The truth is, I don't have it all together. In fact, I'm just faking it until I make it. I just want answers, and truth. Is that too much to ask? Am I going to be okay? I need You, Jesus. I need something. Something is missing. Fill my empty heart. Show me Your love, mercy, and grace. 

Thank God for worship music, and thank God for Hillsong United. I would be so lost without their heavenly music. 

"Lord I hear You I know You're there

Closer now than my skin and bones could dare

Breathing deep within me

You are always with me

I can see You where eyes can't stare

Brighter now than the sun could ever dare

Breathing all around me

God I know You're with me here.."

I'm just gonna keep singing this until it's true. You are with me, Jesus. Your love for me is endless. And the person reading this.. Please keep me in your prayers. I would so appreciate it. Thank you. And if for some reason you feel the same way as me, feel free to reach out to me. You are not alone. 

-Jessalyn

How to overcome a complicated issue

This is a pretty tough issue to write about. It's something we're all familiar with. We see it everyday, no matter where. Bullying.

I've seen bullying come from all ages, from small children to teenagers to adults. We all at one point will face a bully in our life. 

But what makes a person this way? Because believe it or not, we all will be one. Some live everyday of their lives as one, while others slip and often feel guilty about it later. Let's talk about the people who live everyday as one. There has to be a reason for acting this way. Maybe they have insecurities? Anger issues? Jealousy? Or maybe they just weren't taught better? Regardless of whatever reason there is, I believe it's not an excuse. Let me repeat that--It is not an excuse. Whatsoever. Bullying is never okay. 

I'm going to talk a little bit about myself right now. Here's the thing.. I'm not perfect. Okay? I slip, I stumble, I fall. I genuinely have a good heart, and I honestly care about people. But like I said, I am far from perfect. I will be the first to admit, I have made fun of people. I have said things that I regret. However, I have never made fun of someone to their face. But that's not an excuse because I've done it where they weren't able to hear me. It's still wrong regardless. I wouldn't consider myself a bully, but I have acted like one before. One of my biggest problems is whenever someone is making jokes about another person, and I laugh. I swear, each time I find myself laughing, I often feel a ton of guilt. I truly believe it's the Holy Spirit in me telling me to stop, and defend that person. Now, I'm pretty outgoing, but I'm also shy at times. I've never been able to just stand up and say, "This isn't right. We need to stop because this is hurtful." That is something I truly need to work on. School is just around the corner, and that means going back to the place where I see bullying the most. 

The Bible actually talks a lot about our words, and how the tongue is able to create both life and death.  Proverbs 21:23 says, "Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble." 

Ephesians 4:29 says, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that gives grace to those who hear."

People don't realize how much their words can have an effect on others. The phrase, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," is a lie. Because words can hurt. A phrase I truly believe in is, "Words are like bullets and they kill as good as any gun." 

God didn't create us to spread hate. God created us to spread love--HIS love. 

How do we expect to do that by bullying each other? We are the light of the world. We are the living proof of Jesus. The best way for people to come to know the Creator of the universe is by our example. And putting others down isn't showing Jesus. Jesus was perfect; in fact, He was kind and loving to everyone! It didn't matter what sin was inside of you, what type of person you were, He said, "Come as you are." No person is perfect, so yes we each are going to screw up. Thank God for His grace and mercy though, which is available to everyone. 

I want you, the person reading this, to really try and show love to everyone. You never know what type of battle people are facing. This life is tough, and the devil is after all of us. People are broken, hurting, angry. Just a nice compliment or smile could be enough to give them the strength to keep going. Your love could be what sets them free, that shows them Jesus. Don't be the person that causes someone to feel insecure and depressed. In this time we are living in, stuff like that can have permanent consequences. Suicide rates are increasing everyday. This isn't a joke. We are talking about human lives. This world needs Jesus. 

I want my life to have purpose. I want people to look at me and see Jesus. Not only see Jesus, but feel Jesus in me. I really want to practice what I'm preaching right now. Otherwise, I'd be a hypocrite. But even if I fall a few times, I'm gonna rise up and continue to spend the rest of my life showing others the Love that has ravished my heart, and taken me over. I can't help but think of that song "Let Them See You," which I'm sure some of you have heard it. It's truly a powerful song, although I hate the version they play on the radio. The best version of that song was sung by the wonderful Colton Dixon, and unfortunately they don't play his version, which makes zero sense because he's just way better and you can actually FEEL God's presence listening to it. Sorry, I have digressed a little. Back to our topic! If you have heard the song, I HIGHLY recommend listening to it. (Colton's version please!)

Now, if you're being bullied, I want you to know I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I know what it's like to get bullied. I can't say I've been severely bullied in my life, but I have felt the sting of words and have actually cried over the hurtful things that have been said to me. Remember you are worth so much more than this. Jesus loves you so much that He died for you in hopes that you would choose to be with Him forever. If you're hurting, cry out to Him, I promise you He's listening. He's there to comfort and dry your tears. I advise you to tell someone, a trusted adult or parent, a teacher, a counselor, a pastor, a friend. Anyone who can help you. I know what you're thinking, "Telling can make things worse." That can be true, but also not telling can make it worse. Once you get someone's help, it's easier to put an end to the bully. Sometimes a bully needs to realize what they're doing is wrong. I don't agree with the whole "getting even" thing because that's not the way to handle things. Hurting the bully solves nothing, in fact, that will in turn make you a bully as well. Be the bigger person. 

If you ever see someone getting bullied, please step in and defend the person. Sometimes the victim is too humiliated to say anything, but be that person who isn't afraid to. Believe me, just by doing that, you're helping someone and in turn showing people it's not okay. We can't be afraid to stand up to bullies. And if your friends are bullies, please reconsider who you're friends with. They will only pull you down to their level. You do not want this. You are better and you deserve more for yourself! 

And if you're a bully, please listen to me. You are better than this. You do not have to spread hate. This life is a gift.. Don't waste it by being the person who brings others down. You still have time to turn your life around, and really, truly, start living. I believe you can do this. I believe in you. 

I'm going to leave you all with some lyrics to an amazing song called "Words."

"Words can build you up, words can break you down, start a fire in your heart, or put it out. Let my words be life, let my words be truth. I don't want to say a word, unless it points the world back to You. Let the words I say be the sound of Your grace. I don't want to say a word, unless it points the world back to You."

--

"We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be." -James 3:2-9.

An Excerpt From A Book I'll Probably Never Write

Okay so I wrote this at like one in the morning so if this is terrible I'm truly sorry. I had a lot on my mind and I just spilled it out. The concept of this is kind of strange but it makes for a good fictional story, hehe. ;) So enjoy my rant-turned-into-a-fictional-short-story!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found her sitting on the edge of a small cliff, overlooking a lake in the late afternoon. The sun was setting across the horizon, with bright colors painting the sky. The evidence of God's creativity and beauty truly showed. 

It wasn't until I sat down next to her that I realized she was crying. What happened? Why was she crying? Seeing her cry was enough for me to feel pain in my chest.

"Are you okay?" I asked quietly. 

She looked up, and our eyes met. My heart broke a little more as the pain was evident in the expression on her face. "No," she replied.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I scooted a little closer to her.

"He broke up with me," she said, more tears spilling from her eyes.

I shook my head. Why would anyone break up with her? I've seen every stage of her life, from the moment she was born until this very moment. I've been with her from the beginning, experiencing the happiest and saddest moments of her life. Although she would never know that I was just an angel assigned to look after her, to protect her, to be there for her. God couldn't have given me a better mission with this one. Most angels don't actually appear to the person they're assigned to look after, but this was a special mission from God. To truly help her.. And right now, God must want me to comfort her, to lift her up from this pit that she's in. I can feel it in my heart. 

"Why would he do that?" I asked her. 

She wiped her eyes. "H-He said that he's too broken to love me like I love him. That I would be better off without him. That letting him go is what I need to do. But how can I do that? I love him. I don't want anyone else. The thought of moving on.. Of letting someone else in... That kills me. Why can't he understand that? Why would he do this to me? After everything we've been through together. He promised me he was in this until the end. He said he loved me too. Why isn't that enough? All I ever did was love him. I don't understand. I let down my walls for him. And now.. I'm just gonna build them back up. I'm too broken to move on."

I took a deep breath. God, give me the right words here. 

"You know, you can treat a man like a King, put your entire being into making him happy, love him more than you can express or put into words, and it can still never be enough. I hate telling you that, but it's true. Some people realize how lucky they are, and they just aren't ready for it and they're not ready to commit. You, however, did absolutely nothing wrong. I'm proud of you for loving him like that. But I'm truly sorry that it wasn't returned back to you. Here's what I can promise you though; you're going to make it. You will, with lots of time, move on completely. You will hold your head up and God will mend that broken heart of yours. And eventually, you will find someone else, and you will let down your walls again, and it will be scary. You'll start to love him just as much as you loved this boy who broke your heart, and you will be hesitant and fearful. But here's the great news, this new person, he won't hurt you. In fact, he will love you! And that's when you realize that everything you went through, all the tears and hurt and pain, was worth it. It led you right to the very moment where you realized you never want to kiss anyone else, or love anyone else as much as you love him. Life will be beautiful once again, you'll feel so much love in your heart. God knows the desires in your heart, He knows the perfect guy for you. Let Him lead you to finding just that."

My heart felt hopeful as she smiled at me. I pulled her into a tight hug. She sighed into my chest. "Thank you," she whispered.

"You're welcome," I mumbled into her hair. 

I have held her in my arms so many times before, but this is the first time that she's ever been aware of it. She didn't know of my true identity, and I liked it that way. Comforting her was something I have grown used to, and nothing ever made me feel more complete than doing exactly what God made me for. 

"So how do I let go?" she asked as she pulled away.

"One day at a time. Know you deserve so much more for yourself. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but you're only hurting yourself when you don't let go. At times it will be unbearable, but God is close to the broken-hearted. I believe in you," I said, placing my hand on hers.

"I can already tell it will be a rough road. Honestly, I just want to know I'm special enough to not let go of, you know? And clearly he didn't think I was that special. I want someone who won't give up on me. I won't stop searching until I find that," she said.

"You're only looking up. That's what I like to see. Now, let's get you home because it's almost dark." I said, standing up. The stars were slowly beginning to shine in the sky.

"Alright," she said as I helped her up.

I smiled to myself as we walked back. We did it again, God. Thank you for being the loving Father you are. Thank you for using me once again for Your beautiful plan...

The rest of my life starts now

The past 24 hours have been so surreal for me. I've discovered a lot about myself and what my future may hold. I won't go into too much detail about it, but I've never been so excited in my life. 

I was given a revelation from God by someone I'm very close to. At first, I couldn't grasp it or understand. Why me? I'm not worthy. Why would God use me? I'm too young.

But then I realized that God calls us, even the most imperfect sinners, to do big things for His glory. No matter your worth, age, etc. I also thought, Why would God tell this person all of this? Why did my name appear on this person's heart? 

I don't know any of the answers to these questions. All I know is.. I'm ready. I'm ready for Him to use me. To do whatever He calls me to do. I'm ready for this "journey" that I'm about to go on with God. I know it will be rough and sometimes unbearable.. But all of it will be worth it. Just hearing that God even wants to use me was enough for me to get emotional and have to hold back from crying. I have mixed emotions of excitement and fear all rolled into one, but mostly just the excitement part.

I have never felt more connected to God than right now, just knowing He sees something in me. My dreams and my writing will hopefully do big things for Him. I only plan on telling the people closest to me about what the revelation was, but if my readers could pray for me, I would really appreciate it. :) 

I know this is a small post, but I wanted to share what's on my heart at the moment. And I wanted to tell you, the person reading this, that God wants to use you. Willingly let Him, and watch as your life drastically changes forever. You have my prayers! So surrender, and fulfill every part of His beautiful plan for you.