Only Good Things Here Part 2

It’s been awhile, but hello!!

I want to apologize. Being a writing major in college requires a work load of papers and papers and papers. I’m trying to figure out how I survived the semester if I’m being honest. I was writing so many papers that by the end of the semester, my brain was mush. I have taken a much-needed break to let my brain recharge. I’ve been doing things I love like reading and catching up on all the shows I have gotten behind on since being in school. But I haven’t disappeared, and I am back to talk about 2018 and my hopes and wishes for 2019.

When coming into the new year, I always go back and read the blog post I had written for the upcoming year. I read my blog post for 2018, and I couldn’t help but laugh a little. I had high expectations for 2018—which stems from the fact that 2017 was a big struggle for me. I wanted things to be different in 2018. I wanted to finally believe in myself again. 

My favorite writer, Hannah Brencher, had written something in 2017 that I wanted to be my motto for 2018, which was, “You have to believe that you deserve good things.” I wanted to believe that more than anything else. I’ve never been the kind of person to believe this over myself. I can sit here and write blog posts where I encourage you, the reader, that you’re incredible and worthy and radiant, but I can never believe it about myself. I wanted to change that. 

There were several moments in 2018 when I would just whisper quietly to myself, “You deserve good things. You deserve good things.” Even if I didn’t fully believe what I was saying, I would drown out the lies with this little saying. I never realized when I made this my motto for the year how important it would become to me. 

I think back on the year and I’m just so proud of myself and the things I accomplished. I’m proud of the growth and maturity. I’m proud of the things I’ve written, the friends I’ve made, and the ability to let go of people and remove myself from situations when I noticed they no longer served a place in my life. It really was a year of highs and lows, and I hope one day I can share all of that with you.

If I’m being honest, I want to carry my motto of 2018 into 2019. Here’s the thing: I knew to drown out the lies with truth. I would confess that motto over my life in moments when I needed it, but I didn’t fully believe what I was saying. I feel as though this will take time before I truly believe it. 

I had a dream in November about it. In the dream, I was getting a tattoo. If you know me, you know I hate needles. I don’t think I could ever get a tattoo for that reason alone. But in my dream, I was so insistent about getting a tattoo that said, “You deserve good things.” I remember not knowing where I would put it, but I just knew I needed it on my body. I told my friends the dream and they really believed that maybe God was trying to remind me of my motto. This was in a really stressful, confusing season for me. I wasn’t telling myself the motto while a bunch of stuff was happening to me. How sweet is Jesus that He would remind me when I needed it most? 

I want to encourage you right now. This next year, please believe in yourself. Please be kind to your heart and practice good self-care. Invest in the people who pour into you and make you a better person. Don’t be afraid to walk away from things that aren’t good for you. I walked away from a person and a situation that broke me down, made me feel slightly crazy and so worthless... and as much as walking away hurt me, I realized what I deserved and realized I was more hurt staying in the situation than I would be walking away. If you think you can’t walk away, you’re wrong. You can and I believe you will find better when you do. Who you surround yourself with leaves a greater impact than you think. I am so thankful for the friendships in my life and my wonderful family. I don’t want to imagine who I’d be if I didn’t have them in my life. I said it last year but I want to remind you of it again: only good things here. 

Make resolutions, but stick to them if you do. Fall in love. Try something new. Eat healthier. Be present. If I learned anything in my writing class this last semester, it was to look up and take in the world around you. The world and the beautiful people in it are inspirations for new ideas, stories, hopes, and dreams. You can start fresh. You can change the things you don’t like about yourself. You can do hard things this year. A new year is all about new beginnings, and I’ll gladly welcome it and look at it with enthusiasm. I hope you do the same. 

I’m rooting for you. I’m believing in you. I only want good things for you in 2019. 

-Jessalyn

19 Lessons I Have Learned In My Life

Dear Readers, 

Yesterday I turned 19. Every year I thank God for giving me another year of life. I have been on this Earth now for 6,936 days, and within the number of days, I have learned many lessons. In honor of my birthday, I thought I would share 19 lessons that I have learned!

1. You are worth more than being left on read -

I let this be number one for a reason. This is something that has been weighing heavy on my heart. It is something that has happened to me way too much in the time span of a year. I have always cared deeply about people. If you spend time with me, I will start to care. If you spend a lot of time with me, I care even more. I will always be the person to reach out if you happen to cross my mind. Lately, it’s been a massive struggle for me. I can text somebody that I’ve grown to care for a really nice message, only for them to not even reply. Or I’ll send a text to try and spend time together, maybe go get coffee or study, and yet again, no reply. Maybe I’ll even send a text sharing what’s on my heart, and it happens again. It’s heartbreaking for someone like me, especially because of how much I care and how I seriously try to put in effort. One sided effort is something that I cannot stand. Recently I have been listening to the latest Lorde album. Much to my surprise, I discovered that I have a lot in common with her. If you’ve ever heard her song Writer In the Dark, I just want to share that I think she wrote that song for me. But she has this other song called Liability. The first time I heard it, I said, “This song is my life.” I want to share some of the lyrics with you below. I think many of you can relate to it. 

“He don't wanna know me, says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm, says it was poison. So I guess I'll go home

into the arms of the girl that I love, the only love I haven't screwed up. She's so hard to please, but she's a forest fire. I do my best to meet her demands, play at romance, we slow dance in the living room, but all that a stranger would see is one girl swaying alone, stroking her cheek. They say, ‘You're a little much for me, you're a liability. You're a little much for me’ So they pull back, make other plans. I understand, I'm a liability. Get you wild, make you leave. I’m a little much for everyone. The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy, ‘til all of the tricks don't work anymore, and then they are bored of me.”

But the Lord has been telling me otherwise. He’s been whispering to me, “You are not a liability. You are worth a text back. You are worth an apology that you never got. You are worth an explanation. I have given you this heart that beats for others. And I will give you a man who is strong enough to handle it. Once he encounters the love that I have placed inside of you, he will not run the other way. He will step up and he will protect it, and give it back to you in return.”

Do not allow a guy or girl to make you feel pathetic. You hold your head up and you walk away from that person. You deserve more than that. Yes, there are two sides to every story, and maybe there are reasons, but if you are not told those reasons, walk away.

2. Hold tight to things that still make you feel like a kid -

I can’t stress this enough. I don’t care how old I get, I still watch Rugrats, Spongebob, and Avatar: The Last Airbender regularly. I like it because every time I watch, I can imagine a much younger Jessalyn, all cuddled up under a blanket, watching these shows in awe. There are things that are awfully sentimental to us, like the smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, or eating popsicles on a hot summer day. They take us back to a much simpler time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to Avril Lavigne’s album “Let Go,” but I feel like I’m a 4 year old little girl every time I listen to it now. You have to hold tight to these things, it keeps the inner child in us alive. 

3. The power of books -

I used to get made fun of for reading so much. Books have been an escape for me for many years. I have discovered a power inside the pages of a book. Books have an ability to take us on a journey. They have something to teach us. They can easily afflict several emotions within us. The crazy thing is, a book is just 26 letters moved around to form words that touch the depths of our hearts. This realization is a big reason why I want to be a writer. So please, find a book over something that interests you. Give it a chance if you're usually a hater of books. And when I publish a book, maybe give it a chance? :)

4. Show up for people -

Be someone who genuinely cares about other people. Show up for them. Be a supporter of their passions, and the dreams that God has placed within them. If they invite you to something, go. Go and cheer them on. Attend their parties. Celebrate their accomplishments. Be there if they need you. We all want to know that people care about us. Be the person who is always present.

5. It’s okay to go to bed early -

I spent my first semester of college staying up way too late. I would wake up every morning exhausted before the day had even begun. My second semester started out about the same as the previous semester, but I finally stared forcing myself to get in bed at an earlier time. I began falling asleep a lot earlier than normal, and it was incredible. I would wake up in a better mood, and I always felt ready for the day. Eventually, my body was trained to fall asleep at the same time every night, and I’d have to say, that was a good semester for rest. Don’t be ashamed to be in bed at 11. People will actually envy you! 

6. The art of letting go -

I wish I could tell you that I’ve mastered this, but the truth is, I haven’t. I’m still learning. Letting go truly is a learning process. I’ve had to let a lot of people go, and usually, I wasn’t prepared, nor did I want to. Life happens, and things suddenly fall apart, and there’s no other alternative but to save your heart from the hurt, and just let go. We will each have to let someone go, maybe even let multiple people go, and I don’t think it’s always easy to do. It’s never been easy for me. 

Want to know something? You’re brave if you choose to let go. I admire anyone who does it. If you’ve had to let someone go recently, I want you to know how proud I am of you. It will be a hard journey for you, but the results will be worth it. You have so many things to look forward to. You are making room in your heart to meet new people. 

7. Faith over fear - 

I’ve been acquainted with fear for awhile now. We’ve spent a lot of time together. Fear knows my secrets. Fear has held my hand. Fear likes to whisper lies into my ear every day. Fear’s favorite thing to tell me? “You aren’t enough for the things you want to do and you aren’t enough for the people in your life.” 

If these lies are being placed within you, all you are doing is crumbling. It’s like watering a flower: no water equals a frail, dead flower. But if you water it, it grows into something beautiful. Feeding ourselves with lies gets us nowhere. Shutting down the lies and choosing instead to operate in faith is what propels you to succeed. 

If I change my thinking and say, “I am choosing to have faith in myself and what I am certain the Lord has called me to do,” then something changes. Not just in my heart, but in what happens in my everyday life. I’ve had the verse that says, “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen,” (Hebrews 11:1) wired into my brain my entire life. Which this actually ties into my next lesson! So here we go!

8. Your words possess power -

I believe in the power of words. I believe that they set the course for our future. I have to be aware of the confessions I make daily, because if they’re negative, it will only drain me. The Bible says that death and life are in the power of our tongue. I am always amazed at the concept of this. Our words are able to bring life and death to us, so with this knowledge, why not watch what we say? Why not confess goodness and joy over yourself? 

The next time you have a negative thought, catch yourself, and instead say something positive. Here’s a good example of this: at my job, I have to file an entire room filled with paperwork. When I say the room is full of paperwork, I am not even exaggerating. Walking into that room is absolutely overwhelming. There’s so many stacks and boxes, and everyday I’m filled with the same thought, “This is impossible. It doesn’t feel like I’m ever making a dent into this mess.” I started training myself to change my thoughts about it and instead say, “Everyday, I show up here. Progress is progress, even if it’s not noticeable yet. The work will pay off.” It is helping me tremendously! 

The next time you feel a wave of negative emotions, like stress, depression, heartbreak, envy, confess something positive. Keep telling yourself positive things and watch your mood change. Embrace the peace that you will feel when you understand the power of your words. 

9. Forget the “perfect” picture -

Real talk: social media has only grown over the years. Aesthetic pictures are a big thing right now. How your profile looks means everything. I’ve fallen victim to this too many times. I’ve cared about the pictures I post. 

Can I be honest with you? The pictures you think about taking with your significant other or friends will probably not turn out as great as you hoped they would deep down. You will have this idea of a super cute picture and you’ll have someone take it, and more than likely, it will turn out really sucky. Maybe the wind was blowing your hair everywhere. Someone’s eyes are closed. Your hand looks awkward. Your shirt looks wrinkled. The other person wasn’t posed how they were supposed to be. That zit you tried hiding with concealer? It’s probably easily noticed. 

Take a deep breath. It’s okay. Sucky pictures always show me how nothing about my life is perfect, though that’s how we want people to think it is over social media. I promise, you will have great pictures and bad pictures throughout your life. Your profile might not look like someone else’s, and that’s okay! We can’t all be professional photographers and have a million photographer friends who like taking your picture. I’ve been blessed to have friends who love taking pictures of me, but a year ago, that would’ve never been possible. I can assure you, it’s not everything. 

10. Highlight reels -

A big danger of social media that I am discovering is how it paints the picture of life being perfectly put together. It is merely nothing more than a highlight reel. 

Real talk: my first semester of college, I was so depressed. Don’t be fooled by all the pictures I posted with the happy captions, I was in a bad place (I’m good now, by the grace of God). It’s easy to pretend like we’re okay, remember that. It’s crazy to think how easy it was for me to fool people who weren’t spending time with me and seeing how messed up I was inside. 

Let this be a reminder to you. Be sure to always reach out to others, uplift everyone you encounter, love on them, because you never know what they’re hiding behind their highlight reel. People are battling things everyday that they keep hidden in the dark. You could be an influence to them without even realizing it, your kindness and love could be the very thing that pulls them out of the darkness. 

11. Worship as an everyday lifestyle -

If there’s something I learned in my first year at ORU, it was how to worship. There were days that I wasn’t in the mood to sing a couple of songs and then proceed to have a chapel service. But God tugged on my heart anyway. My bad moods always fled, and instead, this need for worship would come flooding in. 

Worship is more than a Bethel song with some spontaneous moments — it’s choosing the Lord when you aren’t even in the mood for Him. It’s choosing to praise Him in the midst of struggles. It’s an attitude, a lifestyle. As I get older, the busier I get. I still want to come sit at His feet, and soak in love His love and presence, even if I’m exhausted. I want peace in my life, a peace only He could ever give me. Choose to worship.

12. You gotta reach out -

Like I said in the previous lesson, as we get older, the busier we are. It’s hard to see people we love in the chaos of our everyday lives. Try to still reach out. Send that person a text, letting them know you love them. Tell them you miss them. Call them randomly. If the Lord puts them on your heart, pray for them. Then ask them how they’re doing. Trust me, it will make their day. 

13. Don’t let the flame go out -

There is something you’re passionate about. It’s like a fire inside you, and you want to spread it to anyone who will listen. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that your fire is weak or useless. Have you ever watched what a fire can do? It makes an impact! You will see the evidence of it. 

If you have a dream in your heart, PLEASE pursue it. I admire when people feel safe with me enough to share a dream that is in their heart. Even if they say to me, “I know it sounds crazy, but this is what keeps me awake at night,” my respect for them increases. No dream is too crazy or too impossible to make a reality. God has placed these things inside of you for a reason, and if you’re reading this and lately you’ve been doubting your dreams, let my words encourage you today — you can do this. You can do hard things. You are qualified for this. I believe in you. Make me so proud!

14. Remember birthdays -

I have always tried to remember birthdays. This is seriously so important to me. I love when people remember mine, so why would I not remember theirs? Get excited for people’s birthdays, celebrate and love on them! It’s seriously so heartwarming for the person if you remember and wish them a happy birthday! 

15. Empathy. Learn it.

Feelings are a complex thing. I have a hard time understanding my own emotions, and trying to understand someone else’s is a struggle as well. But here’s the thing — it’s important to try to understand them. Not just your own, but other’s as well. This isn’t something we can just overlook. We always have to keep other people’s feelings in mind. If you can’t hurt with someone who’s hurting, or rejoice with them in joyful moments, something is seriously wrong. Bottling up emotions is never a good thing. That’s why I’m a big believer in expressing the things we feel inside, and the struggles we endure. That’s why I’m not afraid to share my thoughts with the world. Truthfully, I don’t think I could be around someone who doesn’t have compassion for others. There is something so special and attractive about a person who cares deeply about others, and truly wants to understand the emotions of everyone they encounter.

16. STUDY.

This is a lesson college students hate hearing. In fact, I hate it too. But hear me out: there is so much knowledge to obtain in our lifetimes. Why not try and learn as much as you can while you’re here on this Earth? In school, there are going to be subjects that you hate to learn about, but if you have an interest in a certain subject, take the time to do some Google searching or read a book over it! 

Fun fact about me: I LOVE the TV show Criminal Minds. Watching that show has made me do so much research over the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, as well as research over profiling, psychology, and sociology. There’s a character in the show named Dr. Spencer Reid, a young genius with an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory, and has 3 PhD’s and 3 B.A.s. He’s constantly blabbering on about the most random stuff, but I eat it up! Anytime he shares his knowledge on the show, I go and Google what he talked about. I feel like I learn so much from his character, and my goodness, it’s so attractive how full of knowledge he is (do guys like that exist?). It’s true, people LOVE intelligence. So pick up a book and start reading! 

17. Time.. manage it -

This is a big lesson I’ve learned over the course of a year. I had someone in my life who was always a busy person. If this person chose to spend time with you, it was truly a sacrifice of their time. I never in my life felt more loved and appreciated than when this person made an effort to include me in their busy life. Something I’m learning is if someone wants you to be apart of their life, they will make time for you. No matter what. If they don’t, well, you know where you stand. I try my best to make time for people who matter to me. I realize that every moment I choose to invest in someone else is time I will never get back. Make the most of the time you give to others. Make every second count. I promise you, people will feel so loved by you giving them your time. It is such a gift!

18. You gotta love yourself -

I talked about in an Instagram post once about how God has been teaching me so much about what self-love really looks like. My entire life, I’ve always been the type to just give and give away my love, regardless of if it is returned back to me or not. He’s shown me that it’s okay to pull back a little, and take some of that love and give it back to myself. 

I read a quote from Hannah Brencher that has left an impact in my heart. It’s something that I’ve kept as my lock screen since the first day of 2018 — “You have to believe that you deserve good things.” I want to tell you that today. You deserve to feel happy and alive. You deserve to succeed in whatever goal or plan you have for yourself. You deserve it all. So go do all the things that make you happy. Go out and buy yourself something nice. Book that massage. Treat yourself to new clothes. Go see two movies in one night. Get that nose piercing. Do something that you’ve always dreamed of doing. You deserve to feel good inside. You deserve good things.

19. You have to unclog the faucet in order to let the water run —

God shared a vision with me in October of 2017. This was my season where I felt confused and numb to everything. This vision was of a faucet. The water was unable to run because it was clogged up. I felt the Lord say to me, “Your heart is this faucet, and I am the water. I cannot flow through you because your heart is full of stuff that is hindering Me from coming in. You have to unclog the faucet.” 

I remember tears filling my eyes as I realized how much of a mess I was. I was holding in all of these emotions and trying to live each day as if everything was fine, but it wasn’t. I found this in my phone the other day, something I wrote when I was praying and talking to the Lord about the vision He gave me. 

I wrote: My heart is not a faucet clogged up, my heart is a faucet with living water pouring out. Your life is pouring out through me, Your love is pouring out through me. I am never running dry. I will not let junk clog me up so that I can’t hear Your voice, or feel Your presence. 

My question for you is this: what is clogging up your faucet? What is hindering you from feeling the Lord’s presence? Because once you unclog the faucet, He is able to let pure, living water flow through you. He will mend what is broken inside. His love is the solution to whatever problem you have. He can handle your mess. Believe that.

Thoughts on fear and the waiting season

Dear readers, 

Let me start by saying what a crazy year 2018 has been already! Only 3 months in and with 9 left to go, I can only imagine what else could come for me. 

My schedule this semester has been much more challenging than last semester, which makes blogging difficult (as if it wasn’t already difficult anyways). But so much has happened to me this year, and I plan on sharing every experience because many lessons have come from these experiences. 

I want to talk about one experience in particular today. I hope and pray that me sharing this is okay with the person it’s about, which is why the identity of this person will not be shared and details about him won’t be shared either. I just want to respect him and his privacy. The one thing I always want to stress to people is if you get involved with me in any way, shape or form, I will probably write about you at some point in life. Whether it be good or bad, you’ve affected me and you’re apart of my story. Luckily for this guy, he’s affected me in the absolute best way, so he can sit back, breathe easy, and just enjoy reading about the things I so desperately wanted to say to him, but the words just couldn’t come out. 

If you’ve read my most recent blog posts, you know I was in a season of hardship and struggle. We all go through those seasons in the wilderness, and it really took a toll on me. I wouldn’t exactly say I was depressed, but there was an emotional war raging within me that I did my best to hide from everyone. My first semester of college did not go at all like I had thought it would. I pictured it being the most amazing semester of my life, but it was difficult. I came home on Christmas break and I just felt emotionally drained. I had this problem with letting go. I’ve struggled with it my entire life. I am the biggest believer in loving people, and holding onto them. But there comes a point where sometimes you really need to let go, and I never know how to do that. I literally bought a book over Christmas break called, “This Is Me Letting You Go,” and I would read through that book to seek out answers on how to let someone go. 

In my latest blog post, I talked about how my motto for 2018 is, “you deserve good things.” It has been a great motto for me so far. I have it written out in my dorm room, it’s the lock screen on my phone, and in moments where I feel discouraged, I whisper it to myself. It’s engraved in my heart. I told myself that this year I would only accept good things for myself. 

Even though I say this motto to myself on the daily, I still was struggling with fear. Fear of guys, fear of dating, fear of moving on from the past. Yes I was reading a book about letting go, but I was afraid to actually do that. I wanted freedom, I wanted to break those chains, but fear always held me back. 

In early February, something happened that was totally unexpected. I met a guy. Just writing this right now makes me giggle so much, because I had no idea what was going to come from this, but clearly God knew. 

So much of that first night is a bit of a blur to me, I think because I was super stressed out trying to write this short story for one of my writing classes. He was such a friendly guy, he made talking easy. It didn’t help that he was pretty cute too, and he was older than me (which I’ve never went out with an older guy before, so the thought was sure appealing to me). He was one of those people that you just knew he was sure of himself, like he knew who he was. He really caught my attention, and I enjoyed talking to him. In that moment, I sure wasn’t thinking about dating or even going out with anyone. 

Much to my surprise, when he asked me out, I was terrified. I remember being a nervous wreck. I remember reading the text to my roommate and I had no idea how to respond. So many thoughts were flooding my mind. Fear was the loudest voice, telling me it was a bad idea. Telling me that the cycle would just repeat itself, and I would end up right back to where I was, heartbroken, left and alone. Instead of saying no, I found myself texting back and agreeing to the date. I spent that entire week being afraid of how it would go. It had been awhile since I had went on a real date. 

All the fear I had went away the moment the date started. It was quite surreal how it all seemed to disappear. I could laugh with this guy, be totally myself, and it astonished me. He was the definition of a gentleman, through and through. I honestly didn’t think guys like that existed anymore, but he proved me wrong. I enjoyed our time together so much that I was sad when it was over. It was a breath of fresh air, to be honest.

Here I had been, so afraid of gaining feelings for someone, so afraid of dating, but it turns out that looking that fear in the face and saying “yes” was the best thing I could’ve ever done. It enabled me to look at the things I was once holding onto from my past, and say, “It’s okay for me to let go now. I can still care, but I don’t have to carry the weight anymore.” The relief that came from letting it all go brings tears to my eyes now because it was just so much weight that I never should’ve been carrying in the first place. It was no longer my job to do that, I had to let go in order to move on and step into a brighter future. 

I spent a lot of time with him. It was amazing how easy it was for me to gain feelings for him. How could I not though? He showed me a whole new side to dating, he opened my eyes so much. His heart was kind, he was such a generous, giving person. So much about him I admired, and there were so many qualities about him that I’ve prayed to find in a person.

I could write all day long about him, how he made me laugh, how goofy he was, how his music taste was just phenomenal, but those details aren’t necessarily important for this blog post, so moving on and going back to the point of why I’m sharing this with you all...

One thing I’ve always believed is that it’s no accident that we meet certain people and connect with them. I believe there’s a purpose for it, and with this guy, I don’t just believe it, I know it. 

When he first told me one night that he was going to have to pull away from me and spending time with me, I was surprised and kind of taken aback. I tried not to be offended and hurt in that moment. He hadn’t stated his reason yet, so I wanted to hear him out. His reason was not at all what I expected it to be. His reason was he felt he wasn’t spiritually on the same level as me. Never in my life have I heard someone give that reason for ending something. I was shocked and amazed. There are so many people who enter into relationships where each person is on a different level spiritually. I’m sure it’s possible to make it work, but I’ve grown up believing it was better for you to both be close to the same level, so then together you can both continue to grow and help one another. Most people may recognize early on if they’re spiritually on different levels, but it’s almost easier to just ignore it. You attempt to make it okay, and it doesn’t always work out. 

For a guy to admit that, wow. He was no longer just a guy to me, but a man. To admit that, he had to become vulnerable and totally own up to the truth. I have so much respect for him now because he did that. He felt that he should not enter into a relationship with me if he didn’t feel he was where he needed to be at that moment. His reasons make sense, and I applaud him for doing what he believed was the right thing to do. His decision to do that just allows for him to seek the Lord and grow and get into a place of intimacy that he wouldn’t be able to do otherwise. Being single is the best way to become intimate with Jesus, because you don’t have any other distractions. I know he did the right thing, I knew it in my heart. I had so many words on my lips that I wanted to tell him, so much I could’ve said, but I was so surprised and awestruck all at once, that I couldn’t even think correctly. The great news is we never were officially dating, so it wasn't this heartbreaking moment that totally crushed me like what I was so used to. It was bittersweet. Yes, it sucks that the timing wasn't right, but there is a chance that maybe something more could happen later on.

He said I made an impact in his life, but he also made one in mine too. He changed me in so many areas, he left his mark. He was what pushed me to owning up to my fear, and now, I am no longer afraid to say yes to dates. I am not afraid to put myself out there. It was like God placed him exactly where he needed to be that night we met. I feel like God used him to say to me, “Yes, you do deserve good things. Here’s a taste of what you should be looking for.” And in turn, God used me to leave a mark on him. 

You know how sometimes you feel like you aren’t making a difference? You kind of just feel like you’re living each day, but nothing you’re saying or doing is actually affecting anyone around you. That’s how I feel constantly. I feel like I’m not doing enough to make a difference, and then knowing now that God used me in a positive way for that guy just makes me emotional. If anyone deserves good things, it’s him. 

I talked to a good friend of mine afterward, and I told her everything that happened. Something she said really stuck with me. She said, “God honors obedience and doing the right thing. God will honor him for the decision he made, and He’ll honor you for respecting his decision and supporting him through this. God will bless you both in your future relationships too, whether that’s a relationship together or with other people.” Hearing her say that really touched my heart, and I hope it touches yours as well!

This season kind of feels like a season of waiting. Waiting on God to show me what to do next. I wonder daily if a potential future with this guy could happen, or if our purpose in each other’s lives was only for that time period. There’s so many questions. But I know God’s heart. I know His plans are always far greater than anything I could ever dream up myself. I know what’s meant to happen will happen. I’m hopeful for something more later on, but I’ll let God lead me where I need to be. 

If you’re that guy and you’re reading this right now, I just want to say thank you. I couldn’t thank you enough. You were an answered prayer to my life. I will never forget you and the impact you made in my heart. You deserve good things. And I will always always care, please don’t forget that. And when I say that I’m praying for you every single day, know that I’m not lying. 

I wrote this post as a way to encourage you, the reader, in whatever season of life you’re in. We all have fears. We all make connections with new people daily. We all have seasons where we feel like we’re just waiting on God. 

In regards to fear, don’t let it consume your life. Hannah Brencher has been sending Monday emails that have a lot to do with fear lately. Even in her latest Bible study (which I am currently obsessing over!) she talks so much about fear and owning up to it. She said to call the fear out of the shadows and give it a name. This way you can begin to see the root of what it is and why it’s there in the first place. Build your life out of love, not fear. Fear isn’t meant to be the end to your story. Fear doesn’t have a place here. 

In regards to connection, know every person serves a purpose in your life. Even if it’s only for a short amount of time, or for the rest of your life, they will affect your life. In the same way people affect you, you affect others. There’s this saying that goes, “And if you’re going to leave someone, leave them better than how you found them.” Be good to them. Shower them in love. Leave a mark in them so deep in their hearts that they don’t go a single day without thinking about you and what you did for them. Make your presence one that is unforgettable. 

In regards to waiting, well, I’ll be honest, I’m pretty bad at it. I struggle so much with impatience. When I want something, I don’t want to wait. I want it now. We live in a world where we can get anything we want whenever we want it. If I want an answer to something, I google it and immediately get an answer. If I want food, all I have to do is order online and they deliver it right to me. Instant gratification is the world we live in. To practice patience is a harder task now. But it’s possible with the help of God. He knows you better than you know yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. That’s why He’s there! God WANTS to help you succeed. If you have to wait, He will show you how to have patience to wait. Yes, my motto is “you deserve good things.” But sometimes you have to wait for good things. Trust me, I’m learning it more and more everyday. Is it worth it? Absolutely, 100% worth it.

Only Good Things Here

Before even writing these words, I went back and read my blog post for 2017. It’s always nice to look back at my words a year ago and read all my hopes and dreams for the year. A lot of what I discussed in that post happened in 2017, so for that I am happy with myself. 

However, many things happened this year that I wish I could’ve just known in advance. I wish I could’ve wrote myself just a little encouraging note, dropping hints to myself to prepare for the wonderful, and also messy things that would soon transpire. It would’ve said something like,

Hey Jess,

This is going to be the best and worst year of your life. You’re going to experience something far more beautiful than you ever dreamed. Yes, it’ll surpass that feeling you had when you were a sophomore in high school and you felt like you were on cloud nine. That pain you endured in high school was worth it, Jess. Because it brought you here. And you grew and your heart blossomed in a way that prepared you to love so much more than you even thought possible. Hold tight to those moments Jess. Hold tight to that person. Take a moment to close your eyes and breathe it all in. Remember it. Remember that feeling. It’s beautiful. It’s yours. You contributed to this, this moment is happening because you were here and you gave your heart to love so deeply and purely. And Jess, I’m sorry, but it will not last. You will have to let go of it. The memories will probably never leave, but you must keep moving forward. I know it hurts and it sucks. Things are about to become really, really messy in your heart. You won’t understand or see it coming. All those dreams will no longer be anything more than just dreams. You will have to pick yourself up every single day for awhile. You will cry a lot. You will go into that prayer tower and be angry with God. You will beg Him to show you what good will come from this. What beauty can come from these ashes. Maybe someday this will be just a little moment in your life that you’ll look back on and remember, but right now, it’s a big moment. There’s nothing wrong in admitting it hurts you. That it breaks you inside. But in the wake of this, you will see so much joy. It will come from people who you surround yourself with. These people, you will want to carry them in your heart for life. They will help you, they will love you. You will laugh like you used to, and you will laugh a lot. You will find yourself blushing when you make eye contact with a handsome stranger, and it will scare you. The unknown will scare you. And that’s okay. Because you’re gonna survive this year. There’s so much more coming for you. Your purpose is calling you. You’ve been chasing it all year long. It starts in school. You’re attending literally the greatest university in the world. You will have learned it’s a beautiful place with beautiful people. It will be another home for you, it will be your safe place. You will be stretched and challenged while being there, not just mentally and emotionally, but spiritually. And it’s only just the beginning. Hang on.

~

My entire life, I always knew 2017 was going to be a big year in my life. In school, our usernames to access the Internet began with “17” because it was the year we graduated high school. I remember being so excited for it to come, I would wish that it would come sooner. When it finally came, it felt like it went by so fast, and now it’s almost over. Honestly, when I was younger, I never really thought about what came after 2017. I guess maybe I thought after 2017 my life was over or something. I did think about college, getting married and having a family someday. But throughout my entire life, 2017 was what I considered the biggest year of my life. 

But maybe, just maybe, 2018 is the biggest year. Maybe it’s the year I never saw coming. Maybe every disappointment or crummy ending to something good will be restored this year. Maybe beautiful things I never thought could happen will happen. I tend to always look at myself and my life in a somewhat negative way. I think, “You don’t deserve that. It won’t happen for you. Good things don’t just come and stay with you.” 

I read Hannah Brencher’s Monday email one Monday afternoon and something she said stuck with me. She said, “You have to be on your own team if you ever want to see victory. You have to believe in it. You have to believe you deserve good things.”

I’ve let those words sink deep into my heart. I’ll carry them with me in 2018. I never want to be my own worst enemy. It’s always been that way, but I don’t want it to stay that way. This will be the year that I receive good things. I’m confessing it now. I’m writing it now so that it’s there for the world to see. I can’t take it back now. Only good things in 2018. 

Of course, the hardships and struggles will come. I can’t help but wonder what messy things will come into my life next. I also wonder how they will affect me and for how long will I allow them to do so (hopefully not too long). I can’t wait for the growth that will come from it all though, and I can’t wait to see God’s hand moving on my behalf. God has always showed up in the moments where I needed Him to. I’m not going to lie, we had some really hard moments, some really hard conversations. He has shown me that He really does leave the 99 to find the one every time. He’s shown me that I can trust Him with my heart and all that comes with it.

Maybe this will be your year too. Maybe 2018 is a year that you thought was just gonna be another year, but you’ll quickly realize it’s actually a year full of favor over your life. Maybe it’ll be a year where your calling is revealed and your dreams and passions will ignite inside of you. Maybe you’ll see breakthroughs in what used to be hopeless situations. Maybe you’ll begin to believe that you deserve good things too. I can assure you it’s the truth. 

Come into this year with eager eyes. Forget the “new year, new me” sayings. Just come ready to love like never before. Believe like never before. Expect like never before. The unknown is terrifying, yes, but it’s yours. Make it beautiful. Come ready to work hard and seek Jesus with your entire being. Be ready to receive good things. Believe in it. Don’t allow yourself to receive something that isn’t good for you. Treasure yourself and love yourself. You’re worth it. 

I’m praying so hard for you. I’m cheering for you. I’m a big big fan of you, and I’m believing for the best year of your life. Make me proud!

xo,

Jessalyn 

You're Known

The last few days I’ve had this heavy on my heart. This desire inside of me seems to grow stronger everyday.. this longing to be known. I dream about it, I think about it all the time, I crave it like it’s the only thing that could ever satisfy me. 

I want to be able to be vulnerable without fear of being rejected. I want to express my thoughts, no matter how beautiful or ugly they might be. I desire love in every shape and form. 

For me, I always search to satisfy this longing in other people. It might be one of my "horrific" flaws. It’s as if my mind is programmed to believe that being known by someone is what will make me feel good. That getting a good morning and goodnight text is what I need. That finding someone and him putting a ring on my finger will cure all my fears and insecurities. 

A couple years ago, I built up a lot of walls. I wished and waited and kept myself safe in those walls. It was lonely, yes, but at least I couldn’t get hurt. This year, in one moment, I felt those walls crumble. It was freeing, it was exhilarating, it was terrifying. Before long, I wasn’t scared anymore. I can’t put into words how great that feeling is, to be so confident, content, and sure of everything your heart is telling you. 

Just how in one moment my walls could come down, in one moment, the walls were built back up. I hear the voices in my head saying, "This is exactly what happens when you put your guard down. You will always get hurt, you will always be disappointed. You love too easily and too deeply."

These thoughts put me in an intense state of loneliness. I find myself withdrawing from friends and family and I don’t really feel like being peppy and talkative (which is not me at all). I hate seeing myself in this kind of mood so I put a smile on my face and try to act like myself in hopes that it will pull me out of this darkness. 90% of the time it doesn’t work. This longing for someone to come in and see my mess and fix me becomes stronger and stronger. 

But so much has happened within the last month that has truly touched my heart deeply. It all started with this moment in worship. You know that beautiful song by Steffany Gretzinger called "You Know Me"? The one that makes you cry a lot? It was playing, and I was so caught up in worship and I said quietly, ''Thank you for loving me, thank you for choosing me.'' 

It was so loud in the chapel room, but yet, I heard the smallest voice whisper to me, "I’ve always loved you. I’ve always chosen you." 

Afterward, a student came up on stage and began to say, "He sees you, He knows you, and He loves you." I was so overwhelmed with emotions and I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. The fact that in a room full of people, He noticed me. He knew of the pain I was in. He always loved me, He always had chosen me even when I wasn't aware of it.

Another moment was at homecoming. Sounds crazy, right? God speaking to me during a homecoming dance? He is full of surprises. It could have been a perfect night, all dressed up and rocking that red lipstick, except I was feeling a little down and lonely. It felt like a high school dance all over again, dateless and wishing I had found someone to go with. My mind was being attacked with lies of unworthiness, and I felt so lost in a crowd of people. I remember asking God, "When is it my turn to meet a good guy who is actually worth my time?"

And deep in my heart, a voice whispered to me again. I felt chills on my arms as I heard, ''Jess, I died to take your pain away.''

This hit me so hard. I constantly forsake Jesus in moments of hurt. It’s not because I don’t love Him, it’s just that sometimes I think, ''God is at work in other people’s lives and He doesn’t care about what’s happening in mine.''

Maybe you feel this way too. Maybe you see the people you love thriving in every area of their life. As happy as you are for them, you find yourself stuck in slow motion while everyone else is running their race at full speed. They’re getting new opportunities, getting a ring on their finger, falling in love, experiencing God’s favor, and you’re just trying to get through the day without losing your cool. 

Trust me, I know that feeling all too well. So to hear Jesus whisper those words to me in that moment was everything I needed to hear right then. He died to take it away. Your pain isn’t meant to stay. You have the authority to cast it away. You can choose to say, "No, I don’t choose to stay empty. I choose joy, I choose love, I choose peace."

The last Jesus encounter I had happened about a week ago. During one of my classes, the president of my university said to write down what we felt like God was telling us. I immediately became nervous, because how was I supposed to know if it was me or God when I started writing down my thoughts? They had worship music playing and I prayed quietly, asking God to just help me know what He was trying to say. I began to write, and within minutes I had written almost a whole page. I can’t remember everything I had written down, and I no longer have the paper, but I do remember the last two sentences I wrote. 

"I’m coming for your heart. I’m coming to take you back."

Remember how I said the walls around my heart were built back up? Every time I read those two sentences, I’m reminded of that song "Reckless Love" by Cory Asbury. There’s a line that says, "There’s no wall You won’t kick down, lie You won’t tear down, coming after me." 

Everything about that verse in the song aligns with what God spoke to me about. He will kick down my walls when He comes after me. And He promised He was coming. I believe it. I trust Him. Though in this moment the weight is heavy, I know it will never be too much for Him to carry. 

I think in a way, we all want to be known. We fail to forget that God has always known us. Every moment, good or bad, embarrassing or boring, beautiful or ugly, He knows it. He doesn't miss a single detail of what makes up our lives. And He doesn't turn away from us in our suffering. 

So hold on, dear reader. He’s coming for your heart. He’s coming to take you back.