Thoughts on fear and the waiting season

Dear readers, 

Let me start by saying what a crazy year 2018 has been already! Only 3 months in and with 9 left to go, I can only imagine what else could come for me. 

My schedule this semester has been much more challenging than last semester, which makes blogging difficult (as if it wasn’t already difficult anyways). But so much has happened to me this year, and I plan on sharing every experience because many lessons have come from these experiences. 

I want to talk about one experience in particular today. I hope and pray that me sharing this is okay with the person it’s about, which is why the identity of this person will not be shared and details about him won’t be shared either. I just want to respect him and his privacy. The one thing I always want to stress to people is if you get involved with me in any way, shape or form, I will probably write about you at some point in life. Whether it be good or bad, you’ve affected me and you’re apart of my story. Luckily for this guy, he’s affected me in the absolute best way, so he can sit back, breathe easy, and just enjoy reading about the things I so desperately wanted to say to him, but the words just couldn’t come out. 

If you’ve read my most recent blog posts, you know I was in a season of hardship and struggle. We all go through those seasons in the wilderness, and it really took a toll on me. I wouldn’t exactly say I was depressed, but there was an emotional war raging within me that I did my best to hide from everyone. My first semester of college did not go at all like I had thought it would. I pictured it being the most amazing semester of my life, but it was difficult. I came home on Christmas break and I just felt emotionally drained. I had this problem with letting go. I’ve struggled with it my entire life. I am the biggest believer in loving people, and holding onto them. But there comes a point where sometimes you really need to let go, and I never know how to do that. I literally bought a book over Christmas break called, “This Is Me Letting You Go,” and I would read through that book to seek out answers on how to let someone go. 

In my latest blog post, I talked about how my motto for 2018 is, “you deserve good things.” It has been a great motto for me so far. I have it written out in my dorm room, it’s the lock screen on my phone, and in moments where I feel discouraged, I whisper it to myself. It’s engraved in my heart. I told myself that this year I would only accept good things for myself. 

Even though I say this motto to myself on the daily, I still was struggling with fear. Fear of guys, fear of dating, fear of moving on from the past. Yes I was reading a book about letting go, but I was afraid to actually do that. I wanted freedom, I wanted to break those chains, but fear always held me back. 

In early February, something happened that was totally unexpected. I met a guy. Just writing this right now makes me giggle so much, because I had no idea what was going to come from this, but clearly God knew. 

So much of that first night is a bit of a blur to me, I think because I was super stressed out trying to write this short story for one of my writing classes. He was such a friendly guy, he made talking easy. It didn’t help that he was pretty cute too, and he was older than me (which I’ve never went out with an older guy before, so the thought was sure appealing to me). He was one of those people that you just knew he was sure of himself, like he knew who he was. He really caught my attention, and I enjoyed talking to him. In that moment, I sure wasn’t thinking about dating or even going out with anyone. 

Much to my surprise, when he asked me out, I was terrified. I remember being a nervous wreck. I remember reading the text to my roommate and I had no idea how to respond. So many thoughts were flooding my mind. Fear was the loudest voice, telling me it was a bad idea. Telling me that the cycle would just repeat itself, and I would end up right back to where I was, heartbroken, left and alone. Instead of saying no, I found myself texting back and agreeing to the date. I spent that entire week being afraid of how it would go. It had been awhile since I had went on a real date. 

All the fear I had went away the moment the date started. It was quite surreal how it all seemed to disappear. I could laugh with this guy, be totally myself, and it astonished me. He was the definition of a gentleman, through and through. I honestly didn’t think guys like that existed anymore, but he proved me wrong. I enjoyed our time together so much that I was sad when it was over. It was a breath of fresh air, to be honest.

Here I had been, so afraid of gaining feelings for someone, so afraid of dating, but it turns out that looking that fear in the face and saying “yes” was the best thing I could’ve ever done. It enabled me to look at the things I was once holding onto from my past, and say, “It’s okay for me to let go now. I can still care, but I don’t have to carry the weight anymore.” The relief that came from letting it all go brings tears to my eyes now because it was just so much weight that I never should’ve been carrying in the first place. It was no longer my job to do that, I had to let go in order to move on and step into a brighter future. 

I spent a lot of time with him. It was amazing how easy it was for me to gain feelings for him. How could I not though? He showed me a whole new side to dating, he opened my eyes so much. His heart was kind, he was such a generous, giving person. So much about him I admired, and there were so many qualities about him that I’ve prayed to find in a person.

I could write all day long about him, how he made me laugh, how goofy he was, how his music taste was just phenomenal, but those details aren’t necessarily important for this blog post, so moving on and going back to the point of why I’m sharing this with you all...

One thing I’ve always believed is that it’s no accident that we meet certain people and connect with them. I believe there’s a purpose for it, and with this guy, I don’t just believe it, I know it. 

When he first told me one night that he was going to have to pull away from me and spending time with me, I was surprised and kind of taken aback. I tried not to be offended and hurt in that moment. He hadn’t stated his reason yet, so I wanted to hear him out. His reason was not at all what I expected it to be. His reason was he felt he wasn’t spiritually on the same level as me. Never in my life have I heard someone give that reason for ending something. I was shocked and amazed. There are so many people who enter into relationships where each person is on a different level spiritually. I’m sure it’s possible to make it work, but I’ve grown up believing it was better for you to both be close to the same level, so then together you can both continue to grow and help one another. Most people may recognize early on if they’re spiritually on different levels, but it’s almost easier to just ignore it. You attempt to make it okay, and it doesn’t always work out. 

For a guy to admit that, wow. He was no longer just a guy to me, but a man. To admit that, he had to become vulnerable and totally own up to the truth. I have so much respect for him now because he did that. He felt that he should not enter into a relationship with me if he didn’t feel he was where he needed to be at that moment. His reasons make sense, and I applaud him for doing what he believed was the right thing to do. His decision to do that just allows for him to seek the Lord and grow and get into a place of intimacy that he wouldn’t be able to do otherwise. Being single is the best way to become intimate with Jesus, because you don’t have any other distractions. I know he did the right thing, I knew it in my heart. I had so many words on my lips that I wanted to tell him, so much I could’ve said, but I was so surprised and awestruck all at once, that I couldn’t even think correctly. The great news is we never were officially dating, so it wasn't this heartbreaking moment that totally crushed me like what I was so used to. It was bittersweet. Yes, it sucks that the timing wasn't right, but there is a chance that maybe something more could happen later on.

He said I made an impact in his life, but he also made one in mine too. He changed me in so many areas, he left his mark. He was what pushed me to owning up to my fear, and now, I am no longer afraid to say yes to dates. I am not afraid to put myself out there. It was like God placed him exactly where he needed to be that night we met. I feel like God used him to say to me, “Yes, you do deserve good things. Here’s a taste of what you should be looking for.” And in turn, God used me to leave a mark on him. 

You know how sometimes you feel like you aren’t making a difference? You kind of just feel like you’re living each day, but nothing you’re saying or doing is actually affecting anyone around you. That’s how I feel constantly. I feel like I’m not doing enough to make a difference, and then knowing now that God used me in a positive way for that guy just makes me emotional. If anyone deserves good things, it’s him. 

I talked to a good friend of mine afterward, and I told her everything that happened. Something she said really stuck with me. She said, “God honors obedience and doing the right thing. God will honor him for the decision he made, and He’ll honor you for respecting his decision and supporting him through this. God will bless you both in your future relationships too, whether that’s a relationship together or with other people.” Hearing her say that really touched my heart, and I hope it touches yours as well!

This season kind of feels like a season of waiting. Waiting on God to show me what to do next. I wonder daily if a potential future with this guy could happen, or if our purpose in each other’s lives was only for that time period. There’s so many questions. But I know God’s heart. I know His plans are always far greater than anything I could ever dream up myself. I know what’s meant to happen will happen. I’m hopeful for something more later on, but I’ll let God lead me where I need to be. 

If you’re that guy and you’re reading this right now, I just want to say thank you. I couldn’t thank you enough. You were an answered prayer to my life. I will never forget you and the impact you made in my heart. You deserve good things. And I will always always care, please don’t forget that. And when I say that I’m praying for you every single day, know that I’m not lying. 

I wrote this post as a way to encourage you, the reader, in whatever season of life you’re in. We all have fears. We all make connections with new people daily. We all have seasons where we feel like we’re just waiting on God. 

In regards to fear, don’t let it consume your life. Hannah Brencher has been sending Monday emails that have a lot to do with fear lately. Even in her latest Bible study (which I am currently obsessing over!) she talks so much about fear and owning up to it. She said to call the fear out of the shadows and give it a name. This way you can begin to see the root of what it is and why it’s there in the first place. Build your life out of love, not fear. Fear isn’t meant to be the end to your story. Fear doesn’t have a place here. 

In regards to connection, know every person serves a purpose in your life. Even if it’s only for a short amount of time, or for the rest of your life, they will affect your life. In the same way people affect you, you affect others. There’s this saying that goes, “And if you’re going to leave someone, leave them better than how you found them.” Be good to them. Shower them in love. Leave a mark in them so deep in their hearts that they don’t go a single day without thinking about you and what you did for them. Make your presence one that is unforgettable. 

In regards to waiting, well, I’ll be honest, I’m pretty bad at it. I struggle so much with impatience. When I want something, I don’t want to wait. I want it now. We live in a world where we can get anything we want whenever we want it. If I want an answer to something, I google it and immediately get an answer. If I want food, all I have to do is order online and they deliver it right to me. Instant gratification is the world we live in. To practice patience is a harder task now. But it’s possible with the help of God. He knows you better than you know yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. That’s why He’s there! God WANTS to help you succeed. If you have to wait, He will show you how to have patience to wait. Yes, my motto is “you deserve good things.” But sometimes you have to wait for good things. Trust me, I’m learning it more and more everyday. Is it worth it? Absolutely, 100% worth it.