You're Known

The last few days I’ve had this heavy on my heart. This desire inside of me seems to grow stronger everyday.. this longing to be known. I dream about it, I think about it all the time, I crave it like it’s the only thing that could ever satisfy me. 

I want to be able to be vulnerable without fear of being rejected. I want to express my thoughts, no matter how beautiful or ugly they might be. I desire love in every shape and form. 

For me, I always search to satisfy this longing in other people. It might be one of my "horrific" flaws. It’s as if my mind is programmed to believe that being known by someone is what will make me feel good. That getting a good morning and goodnight text is what I need. That finding someone and him putting a ring on my finger will cure all my fears and insecurities. 

A couple years ago, I built up a lot of walls. I wished and waited and kept myself safe in those walls. It was lonely, yes, but at least I couldn’t get hurt. This year, in one moment, I felt those walls crumble. It was freeing, it was exhilarating, it was terrifying. Before long, I wasn’t scared anymore. I can’t put into words how great that feeling is, to be so confident, content, and sure of everything your heart is telling you. 

Just how in one moment my walls could come down, in one moment, the walls were built back up. I hear the voices in my head saying, "This is exactly what happens when you put your guard down. You will always get hurt, you will always be disappointed. You love too easily and too deeply."

These thoughts put me in an intense state of loneliness. I find myself withdrawing from friends and family and I don’t really feel like being peppy and talkative (which is not me at all). I hate seeing myself in this kind of mood so I put a smile on my face and try to act like myself in hopes that it will pull me out of this darkness. 90% of the time it doesn’t work. This longing for someone to come in and see my mess and fix me becomes stronger and stronger. 

But so much has happened within the last month that has truly touched my heart deeply. It all started with this moment in worship. You know that beautiful song by Steffany Gretzinger called "You Know Me"? The one that makes you cry a lot? It was playing, and I was so caught up in worship and I said quietly, ''Thank you for loving me, thank you for choosing me.'' 

It was so loud in the chapel room, but yet, I heard the smallest voice whisper to me, "I’ve always loved you. I’ve always chosen you." 

Afterward, a student came up on stage and began to say, "He sees you, He knows you, and He loves you." I was so overwhelmed with emotions and I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. The fact that in a room full of people, He noticed me. He knew of the pain I was in. He always loved me, He always had chosen me even when I wasn't aware of it.

Another moment was at homecoming. Sounds crazy, right? God speaking to me during a homecoming dance? He is full of surprises. It could have been a perfect night, all dressed up and rocking that red lipstick, except I was feeling a little down and lonely. It felt like a high school dance all over again, dateless and wishing I had found someone to go with. My mind was being attacked with lies of unworthiness, and I felt so lost in a crowd of people. I remember asking God, "When is it my turn to meet a good guy who is actually worth my time?"

And deep in my heart, a voice whispered to me again. I felt chills on my arms as I heard, ''Jess, I died to take your pain away.''

This hit me so hard. I constantly forsake Jesus in moments of hurt. It’s not because I don’t love Him, it’s just that sometimes I think, ''God is at work in other people’s lives and He doesn’t care about what’s happening in mine.''

Maybe you feel this way too. Maybe you see the people you love thriving in every area of their life. As happy as you are for them, you find yourself stuck in slow motion while everyone else is running their race at full speed. They’re getting new opportunities, getting a ring on their finger, falling in love, experiencing God’s favor, and you’re just trying to get through the day without losing your cool. 

Trust me, I know that feeling all too well. So to hear Jesus whisper those words to me in that moment was everything I needed to hear right then. He died to take it away. Your pain isn’t meant to stay. You have the authority to cast it away. You can choose to say, "No, I don’t choose to stay empty. I choose joy, I choose love, I choose peace."

The last Jesus encounter I had happened about a week ago. During one of my classes, the president of my university said to write down what we felt like God was telling us. I immediately became nervous, because how was I supposed to know if it was me or God when I started writing down my thoughts? They had worship music playing and I prayed quietly, asking God to just help me know what He was trying to say. I began to write, and within minutes I had written almost a whole page. I can’t remember everything I had written down, and I no longer have the paper, but I do remember the last two sentences I wrote. 

"I’m coming for your heart. I’m coming to take you back."

Remember how I said the walls around my heart were built back up? Every time I read those two sentences, I’m reminded of that song "Reckless Love" by Cory Asbury. There’s a line that says, "There’s no wall You won’t kick down, lie You won’t tear down, coming after me." 

Everything about that verse in the song aligns with what God spoke to me about. He will kick down my walls when He comes after me. And He promised He was coming. I believe it. I trust Him. Though in this moment the weight is heavy, I know it will never be too much for Him to carry. 

I think in a way, we all want to be known. We fail to forget that God has always known us. Every moment, good or bad, embarrassing or boring, beautiful or ugly, He knows it. He doesn't miss a single detail of what makes up our lives. And He doesn't turn away from us in our suffering. 

So hold on, dear reader. He’s coming for your heart. He’s coming to take you back.