Only Good Things Here

Before even writing these words, I went back and read my blog post for 2017. It’s always nice to look back at my words a year ago and read all my hopes and dreams for the year. A lot of what I discussed in that post happened in 2017, so for that I am happy with myself. 

However, many things happened this year that I wish I could’ve just known in advance. I wish I could’ve wrote myself just a little encouraging note, dropping hints to myself to prepare for the wonderful, and also messy things that would soon transpire. It would’ve said something like,

Hey Jess,

This is going to be the best and worst year of your life. You’re going to experience something far more beautiful than you ever dreamed. Yes, it’ll surpass that feeling you had when you were a sophomore in high school and you felt like you were on cloud nine. That pain you endured in high school was worth it, Jess. Because it brought you here. And you grew and your heart blossomed in a way that prepared you to love so much more than you even thought possible. Hold tight to those moments Jess. Hold tight to that person. Take a moment to close your eyes and breathe it all in. Remember it. Remember that feeling. It’s beautiful. It’s yours. You contributed to this, this moment is happening because you were here and you gave your heart to love so deeply and purely. And Jess, I’m sorry, but it will not last. You will have to let go of it. The memories will probably never leave, but you must keep moving forward. I know it hurts and it sucks. Things are about to become really, really messy in your heart. You won’t understand or see it coming. All those dreams will no longer be anything more than just dreams. You will have to pick yourself up every single day for awhile. You will cry a lot. You will go into that prayer tower and be angry with God. You will beg Him to show you what good will come from this. What beauty can come from these ashes. Maybe someday this will be just a little moment in your life that you’ll look back on and remember, but right now, it’s a big moment. There’s nothing wrong in admitting it hurts you. That it breaks you inside. But in the wake of this, you will see so much joy. It will come from people who you surround yourself with. These people, you will want to carry them in your heart for life. They will help you, they will love you. You will laugh like you used to, and you will laugh a lot. You will find yourself blushing when you make eye contact with a handsome stranger, and it will scare you. The unknown will scare you. And that’s okay. Because you’re gonna survive this year. There’s so much more coming for you. Your purpose is calling you. You’ve been chasing it all year long. It starts in school. You’re attending literally the greatest university in the world. You will have learned it’s a beautiful place with beautiful people. It will be another home for you, it will be your safe place. You will be stretched and challenged while being there, not just mentally and emotionally, but spiritually. And it’s only just the beginning. Hang on.

~

My entire life, I always knew 2017 was going to be a big year in my life. In school, our usernames to access the Internet began with “17” because it was the year we graduated high school. I remember being so excited for it to come, I would wish that it would come sooner. When it finally came, it felt like it went by so fast, and now it’s almost over. Honestly, when I was younger, I never really thought about what came after 2017. I guess maybe I thought after 2017 my life was over or something. I did think about college, getting married and having a family someday. But throughout my entire life, 2017 was what I considered the biggest year of my life. 

But maybe, just maybe, 2018 is the biggest year. Maybe it’s the year I never saw coming. Maybe every disappointment or crummy ending to something good will be restored this year. Maybe beautiful things I never thought could happen will happen. I tend to always look at myself and my life in a somewhat negative way. I think, “You don’t deserve that. It won’t happen for you. Good things don’t just come and stay with you.” 

I read Hannah Brencher’s Monday email one Monday afternoon and something she said stuck with me. She said, “You have to be on your own team if you ever want to see victory. You have to believe in it. You have to believe you deserve good things.”

I’ve let those words sink deep into my heart. I’ll carry them with me in 2018. I never want to be my own worst enemy. It’s always been that way, but I don’t want it to stay that way. This will be the year that I receive good things. I’m confessing it now. I’m writing it now so that it’s there for the world to see. I can’t take it back now. Only good things in 2018. 

Of course, the hardships and struggles will come. I can’t help but wonder what messy things will come into my life next. I also wonder how they will affect me and for how long will I allow them to do so (hopefully not too long). I can’t wait for the growth that will come from it all though, and I can’t wait to see God’s hand moving on my behalf. God has always showed up in the moments where I needed Him to. I’m not going to lie, we had some really hard moments, some really hard conversations. He has shown me that He really does leave the 99 to find the one every time. He’s shown me that I can trust Him with my heart and all that comes with it.

Maybe this will be your year too. Maybe 2018 is a year that you thought was just gonna be another year, but you’ll quickly realize it’s actually a year full of favor over your life. Maybe it’ll be a year where your calling is revealed and your dreams and passions will ignite inside of you. Maybe you’ll see breakthroughs in what used to be hopeless situations. Maybe you’ll begin to believe that you deserve good things too. I can assure you it’s the truth. 

Come into this year with eager eyes. Forget the “new year, new me” sayings. Just come ready to love like never before. Believe like never before. Expect like never before. The unknown is terrifying, yes, but it’s yours. Make it beautiful. Come ready to work hard and seek Jesus with your entire being. Be ready to receive good things. Believe in it. Don’t allow yourself to receive something that isn’t good for you. Treasure yourself and love yourself. You’re worth it. 

I’m praying so hard for you. I’m cheering for you. I’m a big big fan of you, and I’m believing for the best year of your life. Make me proud!

xo,

Jessalyn 

You're Known

The last few days I’ve had this heavy on my heart. This desire inside of me seems to grow stronger everyday.. this longing to be known. I dream about it, I think about it all the time, I crave it like it’s the only thing that could ever satisfy me. 

I want to be able to be vulnerable without fear of being rejected. I want to express my thoughts, no matter how beautiful or ugly they might be. I desire love in every shape and form. 

For me, I always search to satisfy this longing in other people. It might be one of my "horrific" flaws. It’s as if my mind is programmed to believe that being known by someone is what will make me feel good. That getting a good morning and goodnight text is what I need. That finding someone and him putting a ring on my finger will cure all my fears and insecurities. 

A couple years ago, I built up a lot of walls. I wished and waited and kept myself safe in those walls. It was lonely, yes, but at least I couldn’t get hurt. This year, in one moment, I felt those walls crumble. It was freeing, it was exhilarating, it was terrifying. Before long, I wasn’t scared anymore. I can’t put into words how great that feeling is, to be so confident, content, and sure of everything your heart is telling you. 

Just how in one moment my walls could come down, in one moment, the walls were built back up. I hear the voices in my head saying, "This is exactly what happens when you put your guard down. You will always get hurt, you will always be disappointed. You love too easily and too deeply."

These thoughts put me in an intense state of loneliness. I find myself withdrawing from friends and family and I don’t really feel like being peppy and talkative (which is not me at all). I hate seeing myself in this kind of mood so I put a smile on my face and try to act like myself in hopes that it will pull me out of this darkness. 90% of the time it doesn’t work. This longing for someone to come in and see my mess and fix me becomes stronger and stronger. 

But so much has happened within the last month that has truly touched my heart deeply. It all started with this moment in worship. You know that beautiful song by Steffany Gretzinger called "You Know Me"? The one that makes you cry a lot? It was playing, and I was so caught up in worship and I said quietly, ''Thank you for loving me, thank you for choosing me.'' 

It was so loud in the chapel room, but yet, I heard the smallest voice whisper to me, "I’ve always loved you. I’ve always chosen you." 

Afterward, a student came up on stage and began to say, "He sees you, He knows you, and He loves you." I was so overwhelmed with emotions and I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. The fact that in a room full of people, He noticed me. He knew of the pain I was in. He always loved me, He always had chosen me even when I wasn't aware of it.

Another moment was at homecoming. Sounds crazy, right? God speaking to me during a homecoming dance? He is full of surprises. It could have been a perfect night, all dressed up and rocking that red lipstick, except I was feeling a little down and lonely. It felt like a high school dance all over again, dateless and wishing I had found someone to go with. My mind was being attacked with lies of unworthiness, and I felt so lost in a crowd of people. I remember asking God, "When is it my turn to meet a good guy who is actually worth my time?"

And deep in my heart, a voice whispered to me again. I felt chills on my arms as I heard, ''Jess, I died to take your pain away.''

This hit me so hard. I constantly forsake Jesus in moments of hurt. It’s not because I don’t love Him, it’s just that sometimes I think, ''God is at work in other people’s lives and He doesn’t care about what’s happening in mine.''

Maybe you feel this way too. Maybe you see the people you love thriving in every area of their life. As happy as you are for them, you find yourself stuck in slow motion while everyone else is running their race at full speed. They’re getting new opportunities, getting a ring on their finger, falling in love, experiencing God’s favor, and you’re just trying to get through the day without losing your cool. 

Trust me, I know that feeling all too well. So to hear Jesus whisper those words to me in that moment was everything I needed to hear right then. He died to take it away. Your pain isn’t meant to stay. You have the authority to cast it away. You can choose to say, "No, I don’t choose to stay empty. I choose joy, I choose love, I choose peace."

The last Jesus encounter I had happened about a week ago. During one of my classes, the president of my university said to write down what we felt like God was telling us. I immediately became nervous, because how was I supposed to know if it was me or God when I started writing down my thoughts? They had worship music playing and I prayed quietly, asking God to just help me know what He was trying to say. I began to write, and within minutes I had written almost a whole page. I can’t remember everything I had written down, and I no longer have the paper, but I do remember the last two sentences I wrote. 

"I’m coming for your heart. I’m coming to take you back."

Remember how I said the walls around my heart were built back up? Every time I read those two sentences, I’m reminded of that song "Reckless Love" by Cory Asbury. There’s a line that says, "There’s no wall You won’t kick down, lie You won’t tear down, coming after me." 

Everything about that verse in the song aligns with what God spoke to me about. He will kick down my walls when He comes after me. And He promised He was coming. I believe it. I trust Him. Though in this moment the weight is heavy, I know it will never be too much for Him to carry. 

I think in a way, we all want to be known. We fail to forget that God has always known us. Every moment, good or bad, embarrassing or boring, beautiful or ugly, He knows it. He doesn't miss a single detail of what makes up our lives. And He doesn't turn away from us in our suffering. 

So hold on, dear reader. He’s coming for your heart. He’s coming to take you back.