Only Good Things Here

Before even writing these words, I went back and read my blog post for 2017. It’s always nice to look back at my words a year ago and read all my hopes and dreams for the year. A lot of what I discussed in that post happened in 2017, so for that I am happy with myself. 

However, many things happened this year that I wish I could’ve just known in advance. I wish I could’ve wrote myself just a little encouraging note, dropping hints to myself to prepare for the wonderful, and also messy things that would soon transpire. It would’ve said something like,

Hey Jess,

This is going to be the best and worst year of your life. You’re going to experience something far more beautiful than you ever dreamed. Yes, it’ll surpass that feeling you had when you were a sophomore in high school and you felt like you were on cloud nine. That pain you endured in high school was worth it, Jess. Because it brought you here. And you grew and your heart blossomed in a way that prepared you to love so much more than you even thought possible. Hold tight to those moments Jess. Hold tight to that person. Take a moment to close your eyes and breathe it all in. Remember it. Remember that feeling. It’s beautiful. It’s yours. You contributed to this, this moment is happening because you were here and you gave your heart to love so deeply and purely. And Jess, I’m sorry, but it will not last. You will have to let go of it. The memories will probably never leave, but you must keep moving forward. I know it hurts and it sucks. Things are about to become really, really messy in your heart. You won’t understand or see it coming. All those dreams will no longer be anything more than just dreams. You will have to pick yourself up every single day for awhile. You will cry a lot. You will go into that prayer tower and be angry with God. You will beg Him to show you what good will come from this. What beauty can come from these ashes. Maybe someday this will be just a little moment in your life that you’ll look back on and remember, but right now, it’s a big moment. There’s nothing wrong in admitting it hurts you. That it breaks you inside. But in the wake of this, you will see so much joy. It will come from people who you surround yourself with. These people, you will want to carry them in your heart for life. They will help you, they will love you. You will laugh like you used to, and you will laugh a lot. You will find yourself blushing when you make eye contact with a handsome stranger, and it will scare you. The unknown will scare you. And that’s okay. Because you’re gonna survive this year. There’s so much more coming for you. Your purpose is calling you. You’ve been chasing it all year long. It starts in school. You’re attending literally the greatest university in the world. You will have learned it’s a beautiful place with beautiful people. It will be another home for you, it will be your safe place. You will be stretched and challenged while being there, not just mentally and emotionally, but spiritually. And it’s only just the beginning. Hang on.

~

My entire life, I always knew 2017 was going to be a big year in my life. In school, our usernames to access the Internet began with “17” because it was the year we graduated high school. I remember being so excited for it to come, I would wish that it would come sooner. When it finally came, it felt like it went by so fast, and now it’s almost over. Honestly, when I was younger, I never really thought about what came after 2017. I guess maybe I thought after 2017 my life was over or something. I did think about college, getting married and having a family someday. But throughout my entire life, 2017 was what I considered the biggest year of my life. 

But maybe, just maybe, 2018 is the biggest year. Maybe it’s the year I never saw coming. Maybe every disappointment or crummy ending to something good will be restored this year. Maybe beautiful things I never thought could happen will happen. I tend to always look at myself and my life in a somewhat negative way. I think, “You don’t deserve that. It won’t happen for you. Good things don’t just come and stay with you.” 

I read Hannah Brencher’s Monday email one Monday afternoon and something she said stuck with me. She said, “You have to be on your own team if you ever want to see victory. You have to believe in it. You have to believe you deserve good things.”

I’ve let those words sink deep into my heart. I’ll carry them with me in 2018. I never want to be my own worst enemy. It’s always been that way, but I don’t want it to stay that way. This will be the year that I receive good things. I’m confessing it now. I’m writing it now so that it’s there for the world to see. I can’t take it back now. Only good things in 2018. 

Of course, the hardships and struggles will come. I can’t help but wonder what messy things will come into my life next. I also wonder how they will affect me and for how long will I allow them to do so (hopefully not too long). I can’t wait for the growth that will come from it all though, and I can’t wait to see God’s hand moving on my behalf. God has always showed up in the moments where I needed Him to. I’m not going to lie, we had some really hard moments, some really hard conversations. He has shown me that He really does leave the 99 to find the one every time. He’s shown me that I can trust Him with my heart and all that comes with it.

Maybe this will be your year too. Maybe 2018 is a year that you thought was just gonna be another year, but you’ll quickly realize it’s actually a year full of favor over your life. Maybe it’ll be a year where your calling is revealed and your dreams and passions will ignite inside of you. Maybe you’ll see breakthroughs in what used to be hopeless situations. Maybe you’ll begin to believe that you deserve good things too. I can assure you it’s the truth. 

Come into this year with eager eyes. Forget the “new year, new me” sayings. Just come ready to love like never before. Believe like never before. Expect like never before. The unknown is terrifying, yes, but it’s yours. Make it beautiful. Come ready to work hard and seek Jesus with your entire being. Be ready to receive good things. Believe in it. Don’t allow yourself to receive something that isn’t good for you. Treasure yourself and love yourself. You’re worth it. 

I’m praying so hard for you. I’m cheering for you. I’m a big big fan of you, and I’m believing for the best year of your life. Make me proud!

xo,

Jessalyn 

You're Known

The last few days I’ve had this heavy on my heart. This desire inside of me seems to grow stronger everyday.. this longing to be known. I dream about it, I think about it all the time, I crave it like it’s the only thing that could ever satisfy me. 

I want to be able to be vulnerable without fear of being rejected. I want to express my thoughts, no matter how beautiful or ugly they might be. I desire love in every shape and form. 

For me, I always search to satisfy this longing in other people. It might be one of my "horrific" flaws. It’s as if my mind is programmed to believe that being known by someone is what will make me feel good. That getting a good morning and goodnight text is what I need. That finding someone and him putting a ring on my finger will cure all my fears and insecurities. 

A couple years ago, I built up a lot of walls. I wished and waited and kept myself safe in those walls. It was lonely, yes, but at least I couldn’t get hurt. This year, in one moment, I felt those walls crumble. It was freeing, it was exhilarating, it was terrifying. Before long, I wasn’t scared anymore. I can’t put into words how great that feeling is, to be so confident, content, and sure of everything your heart is telling you. 

Just how in one moment my walls could come down, in one moment, the walls were built back up. I hear the voices in my head saying, "This is exactly what happens when you put your guard down. You will always get hurt, you will always be disappointed. You love too easily and too deeply."

These thoughts put me in an intense state of loneliness. I find myself withdrawing from friends and family and I don’t really feel like being peppy and talkative (which is not me at all). I hate seeing myself in this kind of mood so I put a smile on my face and try to act like myself in hopes that it will pull me out of this darkness. 90% of the time it doesn’t work. This longing for someone to come in and see my mess and fix me becomes stronger and stronger. 

But so much has happened within the last month that has truly touched my heart deeply. It all started with this moment in worship. You know that beautiful song by Steffany Gretzinger called "You Know Me"? The one that makes you cry a lot? It was playing, and I was so caught up in worship and I said quietly, ''Thank you for loving me, thank you for choosing me.'' 

It was so loud in the chapel room, but yet, I heard the smallest voice whisper to me, "I’ve always loved you. I’ve always chosen you." 

Afterward, a student came up on stage and began to say, "He sees you, He knows you, and He loves you." I was so overwhelmed with emotions and I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. The fact that in a room full of people, He noticed me. He knew of the pain I was in. He always loved me, He always had chosen me even when I wasn't aware of it.

Another moment was at homecoming. Sounds crazy, right? God speaking to me during a homecoming dance? He is full of surprises. It could have been a perfect night, all dressed up and rocking that red lipstick, except I was feeling a little down and lonely. It felt like a high school dance all over again, dateless and wishing I had found someone to go with. My mind was being attacked with lies of unworthiness, and I felt so lost in a crowd of people. I remember asking God, "When is it my turn to meet a good guy who is actually worth my time?"

And deep in my heart, a voice whispered to me again. I felt chills on my arms as I heard, ''Jess, I died to take your pain away.''

This hit me so hard. I constantly forsake Jesus in moments of hurt. It’s not because I don’t love Him, it’s just that sometimes I think, ''God is at work in other people’s lives and He doesn’t care about what’s happening in mine.''

Maybe you feel this way too. Maybe you see the people you love thriving in every area of their life. As happy as you are for them, you find yourself stuck in slow motion while everyone else is running their race at full speed. They’re getting new opportunities, getting a ring on their finger, falling in love, experiencing God’s favor, and you’re just trying to get through the day without losing your cool. 

Trust me, I know that feeling all too well. So to hear Jesus whisper those words to me in that moment was everything I needed to hear right then. He died to take it away. Your pain isn’t meant to stay. You have the authority to cast it away. You can choose to say, "No, I don’t choose to stay empty. I choose joy, I choose love, I choose peace."

The last Jesus encounter I had happened about a week ago. During one of my classes, the president of my university said to write down what we felt like God was telling us. I immediately became nervous, because how was I supposed to know if it was me or God when I started writing down my thoughts? They had worship music playing and I prayed quietly, asking God to just help me know what He was trying to say. I began to write, and within minutes I had written almost a whole page. I can’t remember everything I had written down, and I no longer have the paper, but I do remember the last two sentences I wrote. 

"I’m coming for your heart. I’m coming to take you back."

Remember how I said the walls around my heart were built back up? Every time I read those two sentences, I’m reminded of that song "Reckless Love" by Cory Asbury. There’s a line that says, "There’s no wall You won’t kick down, lie You won’t tear down, coming after me." 

Everything about that verse in the song aligns with what God spoke to me about. He will kick down my walls when He comes after me. And He promised He was coming. I believe it. I trust Him. Though in this moment the weight is heavy, I know it will never be too much for Him to carry. 

I think in a way, we all want to be known. We fail to forget that God has always known us. Every moment, good or bad, embarrassing or boring, beautiful or ugly, He knows it. He doesn't miss a single detail of what makes up our lives. And He doesn't turn away from us in our suffering. 

So hold on, dear reader. He’s coming for your heart. He’s coming to take you back.

It's A Mess

Posting a blog post has been hard for me. I've wanted to do badly, but with the condition of my heart, I worry about what I might say. I reminded myself that my blog started on a heartbreak, and my heartbreak was turned into something so beautiful because of it. I want my words, even if they're messy, to help someone else. I want my pain to be a platform that speaks to another person dealing with something very similar. That's why I do what I do. That's why I can't be afraid to be real. I will share with you all what it looks like on the inside, even if I'm not proud of it.

I think each of us deals with pain differently. Some of us have the whole, "Screw the person/thing who hurt me," attitude, while others cling and hold onto that person/thing because we care and love that person/thing despite our own feelings. And some of us just go off and try to find another person or thing to fill this void in our hearts because we feel empty. I have been all of these things lately. I'm not proud of it. I am a human being who sometimes allows my emotions to rule me. Each of these approaches have left me feeling more empty than before. There is no peace, it's just chaos. I want so badly to feel something, and I thought each of those approaches would help me feel again. They didn't. 

I want to paint a picture for you. I want you to understand what my heart has been looking like. Let's pretend that I own a collection of very expensive dishes. These dishes are my entire world, and I constantly keep them clean so I can show them off proudly when I have visitors come to my home. Now imagine someone coming over and taking each dish and smashing it to the ground. One by one, they destroy every dish that I have cherished and loved. Any person would be furious and heartbroken if that happened. But let's pretend for a second that instead of being upset, I say, "It's okay. You didn't mean to. Don't worry about it. Everything is okay. I'm okay." Doesn't make sense, right? This is how I am. When people hurt me, it's almost like I don't address the hurt. I make excuses, I say it's okay. The reality is, it's not okay. There's a mess all over in my heart, and I wasn't the person or thing that caused it. I just leave the mess and try to repair the broken pieces all on my own. I even try to hide the mess from everyone else. I push it aside and say, "Everything's good in here. Nothing to worry about." But I'm actually hurting and there's broken pieces everywhere and I can't put them back together on my own. 

I also almost expect the person who created the mess in me to come back and apologize and help me clean up the mess. I've learned that's usually only wishful thinking. I find myself angry at the person, and I don't understand why they had to come in, break everything, and then leave. I often ask myself, "If they came back, would you welcome them with open arms?" My answer changes everyday. In moments of loneliness, I think, "Yes." Other times, I have to remind myself that it shouldn't be that easy for someone to earn their way back in to your heart. Hearts are fragile things. They need to be valued. If someone doesn't value my heart, they don't deserve what I have to offer. 

I know I'm not the only person who does this. Maybe you love too much. Maybe you trusted someone with your entire being, and something happened and now they're gone, and there's a mess in your heart. You're trying to pretend everything is okay, you're trying to fix it, but it's not working. Don't put that weight on yourself. You have to be vulnerable for a second. You have to understand that you can't fix your heart by yourself. You have to be able to allow the people who love you to come inside where the mess is. It's okay to say, "It's messy in here. I can't pick up these pieces by myself. I need help." 

Even on the days when I want to hold everything in, I know deep down how unhealthy it is to bottle it all up. I remember texting a friend before I left to come home for break, and I was sharing my mess with him. I was sitting in the prayer tower venting to God, tears in my eyes, and my phone buzzed. My friend had texted and said, "Healing will come when you forgive." It was one of those texts that you hate receiving because you know what is being said is true but you don't want to hear it. Forgiveness has been the last thing on my mind lately. I hadn't really thought about it and I definitely didn't want to start thinking about it. He was right though, and I knew it in my heart. 

You have to forgive people when they hurt you. You have to forgive them for making a mess and not coming back to pick up the pieces. It's not that you're saying what they did was okay, it's setting yourself free from the damage they caused you, because holding onto bitterness is not healthy in order to find healing. In some cases, this person wasn't even intentionally trying to hurt you, but things happen, life happens. The hurt can still be there. I'm learning what it means to let forgiveness come into my life. You must learn to do the same. It's the only way we'll find peace.

When dealt with pain, we can react in several ways. 90% of the time, I can guarantee we push God to the side. It's like we think He doesn't understand. Newsflash: God has felt it all. Your heartbreak isn't new to Him. The pain and suffering you feel is definitely not foreign to Him. He's felt EVERYTHING. When someone hurts you, they hurt Him too. God is one with us, don't think He doesn't experience things with us. God knows how much you loved the smell of that boy's cologne and how you felt your heart coming alive every time you kissed him. He knows how betrayed and rejected you feel now that he's gone. God knows that you put every ounce of your being into chasing your dreams, and He knows the disappointment you feel when you don't see things working out. He sees, He knows, He feels it. 

People can help us pick up the broken pieces in our hearts, but only God can mend them together. Not us, but Him. It'll take some time, but eventually, your heart will be fixed, no longer dead. Tell Jesus to come. I promise He will.

//

"You came, I knew that You would come. You sang, my heart it woke up. I'm not afraid, I see Your face, I am alive. You came, I knew that You would come."

It's Not Your Fault

When I was little, one of my most favorite movies was Peter Pan. I had a pretty crazy imagination, and the idea of a boy coming to my window to whisk me away to Neverland was pretty appealing. Not only that, but just the idea of never growing up was appealing. 

I liked my innocence, I liked my imagination and ability to dream up whatever I wanted in my head and live it out as if it was real. And trust me, I believed it was real. So much of my imagination has shaped me even now. I used to dream of love and meeting that one person to sweep me off my feet. I used to dream of starting college and being 18. A lot of these things I'm already beginning to experience, and it blows my mind to be living something you used to dream about years ago. 

But let me just confess something.. growing up is not everything I expected it to be. Some moments and in some instances, it's far better than what I dreamed. Other times, it's so much harder and draining. I can go to bed happy one night and then the next night I find myself feeling empty. I'm confident for an instant and then the next I'm unbelievably insecure. 

I never feel like I'm on solid ground. It's terrifying to me how time moves so fast and I have to adjust to it. I hate how things seem to be in place and then suddenly everything is falling apart around me. I don't know how to deal with it, I don't know how to be prepared for the craziness of life. I don't know how to shelter my heart from hurt, I don't know how to be myself but also be cautious in who I let into my life. I expose my heart so much, I share my love and it always seems to backfire. 

I'm three weeks into college and I feel like I've seen the best and worst of God. I've had my high moments with Jesus where I'm enveloped in His grace and love, and it's so so beautiful. But let me be real.. the last two weeks I've been so angry with God and with myself. I feel like I've fallen short. I don't feel good enough. I'm confused every second and my mind is a fog that is growing thicker by the minute. 

I keep asking God, "What is happening?" And I don't hear His voice. I had a plan for college, I had a vision. And something came into my life and suddenly my vision was changing, but yet it still held so much of what I had planned before. And it was good, it was amazing. But that plan is now leaving my life and I blame myself. I feel like it's my fault. 

Every time I say it's my fault, it's like I can hear Robin Williams saying back to me, "It's not your fault." I can hear it so clearly, I can envision this scene of Good Will Hunting with Matt Damon and Robin Williams; and how real it was. 

"It's not your fault."

"It's not your fault."

"It's not your fault."

He says it until Matt Damon can no longer believe the lies in his heart. I feel as though God is trying to tell me something, and He's using this scene from Good Will Hunting to let me hear it. He's going to keep saying this until I no longer believe the lies, until I come running back to Him. He is my source, my portion, my rock, my true love, and I have neglected His love so much lately. It's time for me to stop wandering in the wilderness alone, it's time for me to seek Him out. It's time for me to chase my dream. 

Maybe you find yourself in a season where you feel confused or hurt. Maybe everything is falling apart or you feel like you have no control over anything that's happening. You have to know that just because it seems like it's your fault, doesn't mean that it actually is. I have to look at every "loss" as potentially a gain, because maybe God wants so much more for me than what I think I deserve. This is true for you, this is what you need to remember. You need to remember what you deserve. You need to remember that it's not your fault. You need to embrace the confusion and make it something bigger than yourself. Seek Jesus, surrender and give Him the weight. Build an alter on your heart. Use your pain as a platform. I mean, that's what I'm doing right now, and it works. It will work for you.

This was a tweet of mine recently, and I just felt like closing this blog post by sharing it with you all..

"I am broken down, but my God is a builder, a designer. And He will build me back up again, because He promised me He would. I love that."

The Thief Of My Joy

A few weeks ago, I was having a really bad day. We all have bad days, but for me, this was not your normal bad day. It wasn't that something bad happened to me, or that things weren't going right. The issue was me. 

How did I cause my bad day, you might be wondering? My bad days are almost always caused by something I struggle with daily: overthinking.

I overthink everything. My Nana always likes to tell me that my mind is constantly running, and that by just looking at me, she can tell when I have a million thoughts going through my head. I can't escape them, no matter how hard I try. 

I find myself questioning God and His plans for my life. I question my relationship with my boyfriend and my friendships. Everything in my life could be fine, but somehow, I overthink it so much that suddenly I'm fearful. I'm fearful of losing it all, fearful that my life won't be as fulfilling as I want it to be. I'm beyond scared of being alone, so much that if I spend a lot of time by myself, it's destructive.

I overthink the most late at night. It's like the Enemy knows how vulnerable I am when I'm alone, and it's the perfect opportunity for him to mess with me. A sad song will come on, and suddenly my mind is going everywhere. And I keep playing sad songs until it's too much. It's honestly terrifying how easy it is to get yourself in a dark place. 

Fyodor Dostoyevsky once said, "To think too much is a disease." Unfortunately for me, I fell victim to this too many times.

Days went by, my sadness only getting worse. I can remember this night so clearly. It was late, and I felt lonely. I was tired of feeling this way, and instead of my usual sad music, I turned on my worship playlist and I just let God into my darkness. I closed my eyes and the strangest thing happened. It was like I could hear God speaking to me. 

"Lock eyes with Me," I heard clearly. 

I began to cry because it was so unexpected, but it was everything I needed to hear. Overthinking was pushing me further from God. It's difficult to have faith when you're overthinking everything in your life. It robs you of so much joy. It can mess with your relationships and your sanity. I no longer want to be held down by my insecurities and fears. I've struggled my entire life with not feeling good enough, and overthinking was only fueling it. 

The only thing in this life that can kill overthinking is Jesus. In Jesus is where we find our confidence and security. Our mind is a beautiful, complex thing; it's not meant to be poisoned by darkness. We have to actively seek a relationship with Jesus to grow. The more you grow with the Lord, the easier it is to fight the things you struggle with. I wasn't doing my part to grow, which I believe is something we all struggle with. 

You are not your thoughts. I know sometimes you battle these feelings and they're dark and disturbing. I know you live in fear of everything around you, and you're scared of good things happening to you because you don't want it to be taken away. I know you hate being disappointed and that's why you question every piece of your life. 

I'm here to tell you I get it. I'm here to say I get it because I am you. This is my struggle too. But it doesn't mean we walk in defeat. It's a process, just like anything else. We have to choose to walk out of the darkness. The first step is scary, terrifying actually. Fighting my fears is not something I've been good at. But I long for more. I long to feel secure in myself. 

Take that step. Don't hold back. I promise you're not doing it alone. 

When Someday is Today.

"It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're 17 and planning for someday. And then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today, and then someday is yesterday, and this is your life."

Nathan Scott says these words in the final episode of One Tree Hill. These words stuck with me when I finished the series two years ago. I was almost 16, and I was near the end of my sophomore year. At the time, I was planning for someday. I continued to plan for someday up until this moment as I write this blog post now. Someday is today. It started the moment I graduated high school on May 14. This is it. This is my moment. The moment I've dreamt about for so long. In a few months, I start college in Tulsa, a place that is completely unfamiliar for me, a place that is absolutely nothing like where I've grown up. It's scary, truly, but so so exciting too. 

I told myself when I graduated I would write a blog post about some of the lessons I've learned throughout my four years of high school. The more I've thought about this, the harder I realized this would be. I've learned a LOT in these four years, some good things, and some bad things. Some lessons I had to learn the hard way, and others I learned through observing those around me. Now I can't include every single lesson I've learned, but I will highlight some that I feel are essential. 

1.) Maintaining good grades is important.

Hear me out y'all: if you're in high school and you want to go to a nice college, KEEP YOUR GRADES UP. Seriously. This is important. Grades do not always define your intelligence.. trust me, I would know. (Ask me about my ACT score) But you should still make an effort. Education is free, embrace that. And it is vital. Yes, you may have to study and do your homework, but trust me, it's nice to look at your grade card and feel like you're accomplishing something. So please, TRY in school.

2.) Being popular is overrated.

We all desire to be liked. And if you're like me, you desire it a lot. I wanted to be liked by everyone, so much that it consumed me most of the time. I longed for acceptance and friendships with every person I encountered. I remember my junior year when I was slapped in the face with reality. I realized that just having a few close friends was really all I needed, because it's so difficult to distinguish if someone is real or not. You want friends who are going to lift you up, encourage you in all aspects of your life, and they need to love you, love you enough to tell you the truth, regardless of if you want to hear it or not. Once I realized this, I felt so much happier. The big question you need to ask yourself while you're in high school  is simple: After graduation, does it really matter who all was popular? Because the truth is most of the popular people get into the real world, and suddenly, they aren't popular anymore. They're just like everyone else. After four years, the title is gone. Who you are in high school does NOT define you. 

3.) It's okay to not drink. 

You see it everywhere; in the movies, on your Snapchat stories, and the people you follow are tweeting about it. It's impossible to avoid. And maybe it looks fun, but please hear me out. You can still have fun and not drink. Let me say it again.. YOU CAN STILL HAVE FUN AND NOT DRINK. I never felt the pressure of it in high school. It never appealed to me, and I was never invited. I liked it that way, and I feel like I was incredibly fortunate. Peer pressure is a real thing, and many find themselves a victim of it too many times. People make drinking out to look so cool, so freeing if you're depressed, struggling with something, or stressed out. I never could understand why you would want to do that to yourself. It numbs the pain only for awhile, but eventually it's going to fade out, and everything you were running from before comes back. It doesn't solve the core of the issue here. This is what I believe: It's okay to stay home on a Friday night and drink Dr. Pepper while watching One Tree Hill. It's okay to not go to a party. It's okay to not drink. Trust me, you may save yourself from so many regrets if you choose to say no. 

4.) Your parents don't hate you.

I don't know your personal relationship with your parents. I know some parents aren't involved in their kids lives, and some aren't even alive. Some make bad decisions, some have abandoned their kids. But this is a lesson I have learned in my own life. Your parents aren't out to make your life terrible. They don't say "no" because they want to disappoint you, they say no because they're looking out for you. They have your best interest at heart. My parents believed in me, encouraged me, and wouldn't let my faith fall whenever I felt discouraged about my future. They're sending me off in August because they believe in my dreams and in what God has in store for me. So before you think that they ruin everything, remember that they've sacrificed a lot for you. 

5.) Worship music changes everything.

I could write a novel on this. I'm constantly listening to those worship songs that are like 12 minutes long. I've been asked how I'm able to listen to a song that's SO long, but my reply is always, "It fills me up." As I'm writing this, I'm currently listening to worship music. It inspires me, lifts up my spirits, fills me with the presence of God, and I swear it makes my writing better. Worship music has brought me through so many hardships in my life. High school isn't always easy, and I can honestly say that I couldn't have made it without my worship songs. The one song that helped me during my senior year was Do It Again by Elevation Worship. I can't even put it into words. The only way I could explain it to you is to ask you to listen to the words. That anointing on those lyrics is crazy beautiful. I listen to that song everyday, sometimes multiple times if I'm feeling down. Find yourself a song like that, and hold it close to your heart. 

6.) Not every friendship will stay.

This is hard to talk about for me. The one thing that tears me up inside is feeling like I no longer matter to someone. The thing is.. we befriend people and always expect them to be in our lives. And for awhile, it looks that way. But people change, things change, you decide to follow different paths. I didn't always understand, I tried to fight for it, but always felt like I was losing. I still sometimes feel like I failed. Losing friends can hurt just as bad as a break up, and that's something I don't talk about often, how badly it hurt me, how badly it still hurts. The greatest thing I've come to discover is that even though this may happen, it just makes room for new friendships to come, and for other friendships to grow even stronger. And that's exactly what's happened. I'm so excited about the future, about making friends in college. God is going to make room in my heart for more accountability and godly friendships. That's what every person needs in their life. Refuse to settle in your friendships, picks GOOD people with good values. 

7.) "Love" doesn't always last.

Learned this one the hard way. This is just from complete experience. You can claim to love someone at 13 and not end up with them. You can love someone at age 15 and feel like he's forever, but he may just tell you one day that he can't be with you anymore. And you'll sit and wonder why. Why weren't you good enough? But here's what I learned from that: LET HIM GO. I believe you can probably love someone at any age, including at age 15, however, forever still has awhile before it comes. Broken hearts hurt. I had my fair share. I experienced disappointment and confusion that made many days difficult. I cried over boys, I felt the sting of rejection. But I write these words to say that it's okay, that it gets better. It's not the end of the world that he or she "stopped" loving you. Take that pain and turn it into something beautiful. Take that love you once gave that boy or girl and give it to yourself. I promise you that another person will come. And maybe several more. But eventually one is going to come and they're going to be THE ONE. And until that day comes, just love your life, love the people in it. You don't have to have a boyfriend or girlfriend in high school. Yes, it can be so much fun. But I spent half my high school experience single, and I still had a great time. God's plan is so good, know that what He has in store for you is better than what you think. Know your worth, don't settle because you're lonely. 

8.) High school goes by way too fast.

I remember stepping into my freshman year expecting high school to be the slowest journey ever. I didn't understand that four years could feel like four seconds. And as I sit here now, I'm still in disbelief that I've graduated. It hasn't sunk in for me yet. I cried on my last day of school, but I didn't cry at graduation. I wonder why honestly, but maybe it's because graduation just didn't feel real while it was happening. I don't think I'll truly feel like it happened until I start my first day of college. My advice to anyone reading this that is still in high school is this: enjoy every moment. High school isn't for everyone, but make memories while you're there. Go to the Friday night football games, go to homecoming, go to volleyball games, go to winter formal, go to basketball games, participate in high school. You might meet forever friends, you might meet future doctors, lawyers, movie stars, politicians, and journalists. High school is ultimately what you make it. Make it good. Take lots of Snapchats, talk to your crush in the hallway, get in trouble for talking in class, learn something. Set your goals high, succeed in them. One day you'll be a freshman, the next moment it's your last day of senior year and you're wondering where the time went. Did you really live? Did you use that time wisely? Adulthood is approaching, so enjoy those years you have to pull the excuse, "but I'm a teenager." 

9.) Remain faithful to Jesus.

Don't ever think you can just push Jesus away during high school. You NEED Jesus every second of every day. To think you can do life without Him is far from the truth. There was so many moments in my four years that I would cry out to Jesus because I couldn't handle the weight and stress that high school brought. I always felt Him. I feel Him now. In the midst of confusion during this last year, I still heard His voice. I felt where He was leading me. I trusted when nothing made sense, and look where it's brought me. I'm attending my dream school, and that's only because of God alone making my path straight. Trust He will do the same for you when the time comes for you to decide the next step. He always comes through. Don't lose your faith. 

~

Someday. If someday were today, what path would you choose? Does it scare you? It should. The unknown is terrifying. But it's also so so beautiful. It excites me and makes me feel sick all at once. I'm ready to take the next step. 

I went to a graduation recently, and the girl was saying, "take all your favorite things about this school and carry it with you. Spread it to everyone you meet." 

I love that. Everything I loved about my school, my community, I will take with me when I leave. Do the same, be a light in this broken world. Goodness can be found in anything; find it, express it, be it. 

Back To Life

Last year I posted a blog on Easter, and I decided that each year I would try to post something in order to honor Jesus and the sacrifice He made.

Every time I write something new, I always like to reflect a little on my life and how far I've come. My relationship with Jesus has really come a long ways since last Easter. I'm always in awe and amazement at how at the time, it seems like nothing, but in reality, it's been a large growth. I'm ever grateful to God for always directing my steps even when I'm not completely aware of it at the time.

I had this crazy revelation yesterday while I was in the shower. I had been thinking about Easter and what I was going to write this blog post about, when suddenly I was thinking about this TV show I had just finished watching on Netflix. Yes, I watched 13 Reasons Why, from beginning to end, in a matter of a few days. I had read the book a few years ago, so of course I was excited about the show when it came out. It's a very raw, scarily real story that will rip your heart out over and over again.

A specific scene came to mind, a scene where the main character, Clay, is talking to his counselor, Mr. Porter. They are discussing the death of Hannah Baker when Mr. Porter says, "You cannot love someone back to life." Clay replies, "You can try."

This scene kept replaying in my head, when finally it just made sense. That's exactly what Jesus did. Before Him, we were dead. Dead from our sins and empty within. There was no hope and no way out. But Jesus... His love, grace, mercy... all of that poured out before us. Once we let it soak in, everything changed. His love brought us back to life. Just let that sink in!

We can't be tricked into believing that another person can just heal all our wounds and make us whole. We can't expect them to revive us. Jesus is the only person who can love us back to life. I've had to learn this lesson many times, as I tend to sometimes put too much faith in another person. It never works, you will always end up hurt and disappointed because what you're looking for can only be found in Christ.

After this crazy revelation, I immediately wrote it down and I knew that God was sharing with me an important message for Easter. This message highlights exactly what Jesus was doing when He said, "It is finished."

And the last thing that's been on my heart is what I consider to be important as well: Jesus' death being remembered.

Italian poet Cesare Pavese once wrote: 'Love is truly the great manifesto; the urge to be, to count for something, and, if death must come, to die valiantly, with acclamation--in short, to remain a memory.'

I looked at this quote from a different perspective and this is how I viewed it: Jesus is that love that's being talked about. Jesus embodies the great manifesto. He died valiantly, He died with acclamation. And He indeed has remained a memory for thousands of years. Easter is just a day to really stop and meditate on the love God has for us. I think we tend to take it for granted sometimes. We need to constantly remind ourselves of the pain and suffering Jesus endured in order to set us free. We need to keep this memory alive in us.

The only way for people to know truth is for us to hold truth inside of us. If you're slipping far from God, it's not too late. Just come back. And if you've never given Jesus a chance, why not give it a try? See if it radically changes your life, because it changed mine. If you're dead inside, know that His love can bring you back.

Believe that. Receive that. Come alive.

Overcoming My Devil

Happy 2 Year Anniversary to my blog! It's crazy to think that for two years now, I've been able to pour my heart out to you and encourage you with what I'm learning in my life. I am beyond blessed and grateful to have this opportunity to do what I love.

In honor of this special day, I'm uploading something that I wrote back in September. I have contemplated whether or not to post this as a blog, but I believe it completely captures the story of why I started blogging in the first place! I actually wrote this as a personal disclosure speech for my speech class last semester! The topic was, "write a speech about something that made you who you are". I actually wrote my speech in thirty minutes, and I will say that getting up and sharing it in front of my class was extremely difficult for me as the speech is honest, raw, and real. It shows my most vulnerable side, and it took everything in me to share that with people, just as it's taking everything in me to share this right now. I hope you enjoy this, because it's so special to me.

In life, we will all have what I like to call our own Devil’s. These Devils are the things that are the hardest to talk about, the things we push deeper and deeper into nothingness, the things we hope nobody will ever discover and question. It's the things about us that we are ashamed of, and that makes us question our worth and purpose on earth. What made me who I am today was overcoming my own Devil--myself.

If anyone knows me, they know I'm overall a pretty happy person. But you'd be surprised at what all you don't know about me. I'm not always as happy as I seem. I'm constantly having to deal with a lack of confidence in myself, I'm constantly battling myself and belittling myself. Everyone has their enemies, and mine has always been myself. It seems silly, but it's not. It's a serious issue that I've dealt with for many years. I never thought I was good enough, I always felt like I wasn't special. I mean who was I to think that I could ever really make a difference in this world? My life didn't feel like it served a purpose at all. I didn't really know who I was and who I could become. I never thought I was pretty or exciting or worthy of love and something beautiful. It seemed like everyone else knew what they were good at, they knew who they were. I felt stuck, having to watch everyone else live their lives while I was suffering on the inside. At night I would lay in bed and wonder what God thought of me--how could He be proud of me? I was failing in life already at such a young age. What plan and purpose could He have for me? I was already out of the race before I even started.

After getting into my first real relationship, I felt as if I was slowly starting to gain confidence, but not in the correct way. I had basically put my self-worth, my identity, in this boy. Looking back now, how selfish of me to put that kind of burden on someone else.  It wasn't his job to love me, to show me my worth. That should've first been my job. But I put that on him and that wasn't fair. When that relationship ended, it really damaged me. I lost myself more and more. I was left wondering if anyone could ever really want me and know me. Who am I? Who is Jessalyn Faith? I didn't really even know the answer. I knew I was in a low spot, I knew I needed fixing. Nobody could do that for me, only I could do it for myself.

There's this quote from Todd LaBerge that says, “We will have moments when we ask ourselves "Am I worth loving?" And the answer must always be yes. Even if you don't feel it.”

So I did the only thing I've ever really been good at. I wrote my feelings down. I documented my heartbreak and journey on my blog, something I didn't start until the breakup. It felt so good, so right, to be doing this, to be blogging and writing. I didn't know at the time what we become of my blog, but I hoped that in some way my words would help someone dealing with heartbreak as well. I had two focuses: to gain self-esteem, and get back with God. I feel so bad because I just completely pushed Him aside during those moments. I didn't understand I was hurting Him by not loving myself, by not thinking I was good enough. I was tearing down something He worked so hard to create, something He loved deeply and unconditionally. The fact that He loved me when I was unlovable proves to me what a Savior I have come to know and serve.

The writing was a huge factor in overcoming my Devil. It gave me a purpose. I finally felt like I was discovering who I was and what I was meant to do. I felt all of that when I was writing, I felt that calling from God and I haven't stopped believing that that it is what I'm meant to do. I knew even in my weakest moments, God was pursuing me more than ever. Everything was better whenever I finally just let go and pursued Him back. I found a sense of worth that I've never felt before. It's been the longest, hardest journey of my life. But finally I was at a point where I could finally see progress in my life.

I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I have moments whenever I lose my confidence again, and it instantly makes me feel sick inside and I want to crawl into a hole and never come out again. I constantly have to push through and keep fighting it. I have to remember who I am.. And Whose I am. This is a topic I never like to talk about, but it is something I write about a lot in my blogs. If you're ever curious to read my journey, I promise it's all there. If you have a Devil in your own life, the best way to fight it is to make it known that it's there. Admitting it will help you begin the process of fighting it. And winning is the ultimate goal. I will win--I will one day defeat my Devil. I am who I am today because of everything I've been through. I have gained so much knowledge and discovered so much within myself that I never would've found if I hadn't had to piece myself back together. I can honestly say I'm really proud of myself and the progress I've made.

Who is Jessalyn Faith, you may ask? She's a writer, a dreamer, a young girl who is exciting and worthy of something beautiful. She’s loved by True Love Himself, the Creator of all things. She has confidence, she has purpose, she is not weak.  And she is better than her Devil.

Hungry

Hello Readers. 

I have so much to talk about that I really don't know where I should begin. 

It's only February, and I have already recognized God at work in my life this year. If you had asked me in December if I felt confident about my future, I would have laughed and said I was beyond terrified. At the time, my dreams for college and where I wanted to go just didn't seem to be working out. My first choice, JBU, was offering me very little money, and since it is a private college, that money would barely make a difference. The debt would be too large for me to handle. So I was beginning to think maybe I would have to go to a local college, and although there would be several benefits to that, my heart was set on going to a Christian university. 

That's whenever I received a letter in the mail from Oral Roberts University, and I was beyond surprised by what I received from them. ORU had always been my dream school, but the last year I had completely shut down the idea because of the distance and price. It costs the same as JBU, but with JBU being closer and my sister being there, I decided that's where I should go. I almost thought about not even applying for ORU, but I did it anyway and I was accepted. The letter was offering me a scholarship of twice the amount JBU was offering me. I couldn't believe it, I almost felt sick inside. I felt sick at the fact that I almost shut down the idea of going to ORU in the first place. 

Suddenly, it was like the spark of interest that I used to have toward ORU was back. I decided to apply for the Quest Whole Person Scholarship, which was happening in January. This scholarship could be worth up to $20,000, which would cover over half of the cost to go to school there. I needed this scholarship if I really wanted to make this dream happen. 

Going into it, I was scared, feeling very unconfident. The moment I stepped onto the campus that morning, I just felt like I belonged there. And although I was still nervous about the interview, I knew I needed to rely on God's promises. I just prayed, "God, if this is where You want me, make it happen." 

I stood in line waiting to see who would be interviewing me, and I realized it was all completely random. I could be with a man or a woman, and I secretly hoped it would be a woman. I was in a line with other people waiting to be interviewed, and the professors were waiting in line to find out who they were interviewing. The moment I laid eyes on that woman who would be interviewing me, I just knew God had orchestrated this whole thing. I felt good about her, like I was meant to be interviewed by her. 

I sat down with her, completely isolated from the rest of the world, and I poured my heart out to her. I talked about my family, my town, my school, and my dreams. I rambled a LOT, something I tend to do when you ask me about the things I'm passionate about. The way she listened to me, smiling and nodding her head, my confidence began to grow. I no longer felt awkward, hesitant, scared of the thought that this was an interview for a scholarship. I felt like we were just talking about life, Jesus, and dreams. 

I told her my deep desire for growing in my relationship with Jesus in college. I told her how easy it is to slip, to backslide, especially in college. I explained my longing for godly friendships and relationships, for accountability. I talked about wanting professors who would not only educate me, but would continually point me to Jesus. I told her I believed that God had gifted me to be a writer, that words hold so much power in them, and how I wanted to use words to bring healing to the lost and hopeless. I told her that glorifying God was my biggest priority. 

She listened intently, telling me how wise and mature I was. She told me my dream was beautiful, that everything I was looking for I would find at ORU. 

"I think you belong here," she said.

What got me the most was something she told me during the interview. She leaned in close, looking me directly in the eyes.

"You know what I think when I look at you? What word comes to mind? Hungry. You are hungry for the Word, for God, for friendships and accountability. And you know what it says in scripture, right? 'Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.'" 

I instantly felt the presence of God. I can't even put it into words, but He was all over in that room. I'm not sure if she felt it, but I felt it so strongly that I was almost in tears. 

Another thing she told me was, "since you're from a farm town, I'll explain it this way. Imagine a farmer whenever he's planting his rows. He keeps them straight, and because of that, those around him plant their rows straight too. But if he were to get off course, the straight line is ruined, and those around him suffer. Their rows are no longer straight too. It's just like in life, you continue on the straight path, pursuing God, your row and the rows of everyone else will be straight. But if you get out of line, so will those around you. They will follow you wherever you go." 

This idea planted a whole new perspective in me. The whole interview taught me so much about myself. It was very humbling to explain my heart and the dreams I felt God had placed inside me. She encouraged me, built me up, and then when the interview was over, she prayed for me. She prayed for my dreams and my future, and still the presence of God was present. I left that room feeling so excited and thrilled. She hugged me goodbye, and I knew God had picked her just for me. I can never thank Him enough.

I still haven't heard the results yet on the scholarship, but it's slowly approaching. I feel very confident about my interview, and I know no matter what happens, God will lead me where He wants me to go. I want my future to be at ORU, I want to make it my home. Regardless of the results, I will do everything in my power to make this dream a reality. 

Another thing I am so very fortunate about was I was able to make friends while I was there too. God knew I needed that, and I hope and pray that they will be lifelong friendships. Accountability and good company is becoming more and more important to me everyday.

It blows my mind how God took my plans, and completely changed them and brought me somewhere I didn't expect to go. I've had to make tough decisions, not all of them being easy for me, but at the end of the day, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud for pushing through, for making those tough decisions, for believing even when I cannot see. 

I wrote this blog post to simply say that trusting God with your future is the only way to go. He will direct your steps, He will open doors for you that no man can shut! I am so excited about everything to come, and I am still amazed at how everything seemed to fall into place. 

I am a firm believer that God will wreck your plans and create something far greater and more beautiful than you could ever dream up for yourself. The hardest thing is keeping the faith, and still believing that His plans are good. Not knowing can really plant toxic thoughts into your heart. You cannot give in, you must stand strong against the Enemy. You are worthy, you are capable, you are set high above the raging waters below. 

I am trusting God more than ever, and for the first time in my life, I am actually a lot more excited about my future than I am scared. Hopefully the next time I write something, I will already have heard the fate of my future school. And I will praise Him and glorify Him regardless of if it's in my favor or not. 

I have had so many people praying and believing with me. I appreciate the love and support. I appreciate my readers for thinking my words are worth reading and listening to. I hope that you've been able to see my heart in each of my blog posts. I genuinely just want to live for Jesus.. I want to write for Him. I literally told my interviewer, "I want to write books for Jesus." 

 

And I will, just you wait.