Take Me Deeper Than My Feet Could Ever Wander

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger.. in the presence of my Savior."

Such simple, sweet words of praise to a Savior who is worthy of it all. These words come from a song called "Oceans" by Hillsong United. It is in my opinion the best and most powerful worship song known to date. I can't help but get emotional every time I hear the song playing, and I find myself wanting to shout the lyrics as loud as I can get. 

I'm not here to rant about why Oceans is such an amazing song. (I'll rant about that another day.) I'm here to talk about how God has been moving in my heart. It's so crazy to think that in a few short moments, your life can radically change for the better or for the worst. Last Sunday morning, mine changed for the better.

This year has been full of great, wonderful moments. I can honestly say I've had a lot of fun and experienced so much life. It hasn't all been great though. I've felt pain, despair, anger, jealousy, and confusion like none other. Some nights I felt like my life was completely falling apart, that at any second I could just break. The thing is, while I was falling apart, I was actually coming together. I know that doesn't really make sense, but I'll try to explain it the best I can.

Most people who know me know that I grew up in church; in fact, it's basically my entire life. The past year or so, I've really become passionate about my relationship with God. I always felt like my connection with Him wasn't as strong as it could be. I felt disappointed, I wanted to be closer with Him. It's not like it was God's fault, it was my fault. 

Back in March, I hit rock bottom. I was suddenly questioning everything.. And it was just a dark time in my life. Once you've fallen, it really is hard to get back up. Sometimes I just wanted to stay on the ground. I truly believe God picked me up during that time. He was after my heart, and I can't help but wonder if I hadn't hit rock bottom, where would my relationship with God be right now? 

The thing about Christianity is there's all these different denominations--Methodist, Baptist, Catholic, etc. People ask me what denomination I am, and I say Non-Denominational. I've never liked how there was all these different denominations. Non-Denominational beliefs can mean so many different things. Basically what I believe is the same power that rose Jesus from the grave is the power that lives in us whenever we accept Jesus Christ as our Savior and Lord. Everything that Jesus did on Earth is available for us. I believe in the Holy Spirit as well. If you're ever curious about topics like the Holy Soirit, I advise you to read your Bible and do some research for yourself--you won't regret it. Everything that they did in the Bible--healing, speaking in tongues, etc., still applies to our world today. This stuff is real stuff. Really pray about this stuff and dig deep into the Word so you can understand all the things available to us as believers. Satan really has no hold over us, we have a power unlike any other inside of us. (Read Acts 2 and 1 Corinthians 14.)

I told my best friend months ago that I wanted to deepen my relationship with God and be filled with the Holy Spirit. But I always thought, "I'm too young, my relationship with God isn't strong enough, I'm not worthy." It had become a secret desire of mine, and only two or three people knew about it. So for months I secretly prayed for this.. And researched and researched like crazy. 

There's a verse that says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

This verse has become true to me this past week. After falling part and hitting rock bottom, I finally found the strength to get back up again. Things just began to change, I felt happier. Of course, there are the days whenever I feel sad about the stuff that caused me to hit rock bottom, but I know God works out all things for the good of those who love Him. 

Last Sunday during church, I was in a pretty decent mood. At the end of church, we always do an Invitiation, where we invite you to the alter to pray, or you could pray with the preacher, who happens to be my Papa. I just stood there, and I didn't go up there or anything. Not a lot of young people really do, unless they go with maybe a parent or something. Suddenly, I felt led to go up there. I can't explain why.. But something was telling me, GO. I acted on it, I listened to whatever it was. I went right up to my Papa, and I said, "I don't have a request or anything. But will you please pray over me?" 

So he began to pray over me, but then he said to me, "the moment I touched you, God told me that you need to be prayed over so you can be filled with the Holy Spirit." 

I instantly began to cry my eyes out, not because I was scared or upset--but because I had wanted this for so long and I didn't even have to ask. God knew.. And He was ready to give me the desires of my heart. I accepted this invitation to be filled with the Holy Spirit, and I can tell you all this; it is the absolute best thing that's probably ever happened to me. I felt like something came over me and filled me with life, and a feeling of pure joy and happiness that I've never, ever in my sixteen years of living, felt before. 

I keep thinking of those lyrics from Hillsong Young & Free, "This is living now. You take me higher than I've been before, it's Your perfect love that sees me soar. God, Your freedom is an open door, You are everything I want and more." 

I know a lot of people might think I'm crazy for the way I believe, but I've basically stopped caring. This stuff isn't a joke, it's God. It sounds like God, it feels like God. I just ask before you question someone's walk with God, to pray about it and read the Word. I will say it again and again. Find the answers for yourself. There's so much more to God than people realize. 

I know my relationship with God is really just beginning, and I'm SO excited to see where we go from here. I hope He uses me, because I'm willing and able. I am nothing but a servant to Him, and I gladly take that title and accept it because I wouldn't want it any other way. 

I'm praying over each person who reads this post. I hope your relationship with God becomes stronger than ever before, and His love floods your heart and fills you with new life. You are never alone. If you ever need a friend, I'm always here. Reach out to me. Continue to pursue God, because it does get better. It's getting better and better for me. I love you all. 

-Jessalyn

Letting Go Of A Piece Of My Life

I've gotten pretty good at telling myself that it's fine. "It'll be okay, sleep it off" or "don't worry about it, you're just tired." Recently I've discovered that those combinations of words are passive lies we tell ourselves. I've felt the change come but I couldn't possess the urge to ensure that I could handle the change and keep myself from living a certain lie. That certain lie is that everything will endure. Life isn't a cosmic vending machine, neither is God. So we must hold on for the ride of, literally, a lifetime. 

When I mention that change comes, I mean the change of people. People develop and mature, but unfortunately that means those relationships fade out. I've attempted to find a way to save it, but I'm through hurting myself to try and save a hope that has fleeted me months ago. 

In a way, change is something I welcome. I've never been the most secure person either. Therefore that ever-so-perfect combination means that I'm often uncomfortable with the change that I always try to leave my door open to. However, I feel like now is the time to get ahold of my life, because if I don't now, I never will. 

The first effort I try to give in any situation is my upmost care and help. However, when you feel like you're about to go off a cliff, I'd assume most people would take a step back and realize that it's not worth it. See, going off a cliff would be so thrilling... Until the impact at the bottom. We never realize that the fun and games will have an end. We never think ahead towards the ending, especially when our lives are going exceptionally well. 

That's why you must be the Captain of your own life. Your heart decides who you want in your life. It guides you along the voyage of life just like the stars guiding sailors of old. We must be reminded that even though we are guided away to a different destination, the point can remain on the map. The piece of that person can remain in your heart. 

I encourage everyone to let their hearts lead them along where their stars have said they are going. There are so many places that you can be lead. Take control. As Taya Smith says; "And if from the course You intend I depart, speak to the sails of my wandering heart." So in other words, never hesitate to make sure that along the journey, decide who and what will be best in your journey's path and you follow along that path to the best of your ability. 

As for me, I shall do the same. Letting go those who bring me down, or lead me to a dangerous cliff has been a haunting ghost in my life. It's a treacherous course to take, however, if you deserve more than being that convenient friend, then don't suffer. Remember why you had to put more in than you ever got back. Don't bring yourself down. Take initiative and let that person or thing go. If you love something, especially yourself, be courageous and know that your life must be lead and take the steps to leave the heartache where it lies. 

Just remember that nothing is forever, people change, things change, and life is most definitely like a box of chocolates. So never forget that you are worth more than you could ever imagine. You deserve more than you know. 

Stay classy my friends,

William 

Love and Sacrifices

I truly believe love requires sacrifice. No matter how big or small it may be, sacrifice is still sacrifice. Whether it be with family, friends, or a significant other, you have to sacrifice to love. It doesn't matter if it's your time, energy, heart, being vulnerable, opening up, there's so many sacrifices. I believe it's so important, and I've really discovered this in my own life. 

We've all heard the famous line from Nicholas Sparks' novel The Longest Ride, which is, "Love requires sacrifice, but it's worth it."

Nicholas Sparks knows a lot about love, I mean, think about how many copies he's sold on each published book! (A lot, people, A LOT.) I think he said it right! 

I'll share a little experience of my own with you all. I've had someone let go of me, and for the longest (and sometimes still to this day) time, I pondered over why. There was reasons given to me, but I couldn't help but wonder if there was something more. What if they were letting me go because they loved me? Maybe the timing wasn't right.. I don't know. All I knew was I didn't want to stop fighting. If this person was giving up, someone had to step in and try. I thought to myself, I'll be that person. So I fought. I tried to change things, but to no luck, I failed. Okay, maybe I didn't fail. But nothing changed. It was heartbreaking trying to deal with that. I just had to realize I tried my best and it didn't work out and that's okay. So I made a sacrifice: I let this person go. Letting go is hard and scary and it hurts a lot, but sometimes it's worth it. And well, it doesn't means it's forever. This could be one of the many sacrifices you make for love. Doing what's best for the person you love, even if it hurts you.. That says a lot about you. I applaud you if you've had to do this, you are so brave and I promise you that you will find a once-in-a-lifetime love. 

Now I'm gonna talk a little about two fictional TV show characters whom I love with all my heart. There's not an easy way to really describe Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass. These two are so complicated and crazy, to write about them is pretty hard but I will do my best! 

Their relationship on Gossip Girl.. Oh my lanta. It it a serious love/hate relationship. They are so much alike it would blow your mind. One second they totally hate each other and then they just love each other and you're like, "wait, I'm so confused." But all of that drew me into their story. 

Their common interests made them bond and suddenly you wondered, "what if they like each other?" And so begins the emotional roller coaster that was yet to come. 

It took them a long to admit their love for each other. Believe me, so many times I wanted to pull my hair out because it was so obvious that they did but they were too afraid to confess it. When they finally did, I remember crying like a baby. Finally they were becoming vulnerable with one another, finally they were going to be together.

But is never easy, or simple. People screw up, they make mistakes. Chuck and Blair made many. Their love was real, of course, but that doesn't always mean it'll last. There's one scene I want to talk about, I won't go in full detail in case any of you plan to or are currently watching Gossip Girl. But Blair finds a very nice gentleman and she definitely has feelings for him. Well Chuck isn't one to give up, especially on Blair. One evening Blair and Chuck hang out, and it's then that Blair realizes she wants to be with Chuck, and she tells him that's she's willing to let go of the other guy for him. 

At first Chuck is happy, but then he realizes maybe this isn't what's best for Blair. In this moment, Chuck Bass is a man, and he says no. He tells Blair to go be with that guy. Blair tells him, "People don’t write sonnets about being compatible. Or novels about shared life goals and stimulating conversation. The great loves are the crazy ones."

Chuck says something that literally stuck with me. "There's a difference between a great love and the right love. I left the Empire State Building last year after two minutes when you didn't show. Louis waited all night. This is your chance at happiness. You think you shouldn't want it cause you've never had it and it scares you. But you deserve your fairytale."

This, my friends, is sacrifice. Could you imagine going through with that? I couldn't do it. I couldn't let go. He goes on to say, "But I need to let you go. You need to let go."

Now, I don't know what's next for Chuck and Blair. It might be over for good. Maybe things will change. All I know is Chuck did the right thing. He proves the statement that love requires sacrifice. 

So remember that whenever you get into a relationship. It doesn't matter what kind of sacrifice, how big or small it may be, you will sacrifice something for love. And sometimes it can be a good thing. 

What's on my heart

I'm at war with myself.

This is so hard on me. I'm craving God so desperately--I can feel my hunger and need for Him. Part of me is reaching for Him while another part is being ripped away from His grasp. I feel like Satan is after me more than ever, and I don't know why. I'm so confused. 

I just want it all to stop. It's everything in my life, it's like my world is spinning. I feel like God is with me, but I'm still lonely all at the same time. I miss people so badly and all I want is to see them. I just want to spill everything that's on my mind, to someone, anyone who is listening. 

The truth is, I don't have it all together. In fact, I'm just faking it until I make it. I just want answers, and truth. Is that too much to ask? Am I going to be okay? I need You, Jesus. I need something. Something is missing. Fill my empty heart. Show me Your love, mercy, and grace. 

Thank God for worship music, and thank God for Hillsong United. I would be so lost without their heavenly music. 

"Lord I hear You I know You're there

Closer now than my skin and bones could dare

Breathing deep within me

You are always with me

I can see You where eyes can't stare

Brighter now than the sun could ever dare

Breathing all around me

God I know You're with me here.."

I'm just gonna keep singing this until it's true. You are with me, Jesus. Your love for me is endless. And the person reading this.. Please keep me in your prayers. I would so appreciate it. Thank you. And if for some reason you feel the same way as me, feel free to reach out to me. You are not alone. 

-Jessalyn