Posting a blog post has been hard for me. I've wanted to do badly, but with the condition of my heart, I worry about what I might say. I reminded myself that my blog started on a heartbreak, and my heartbreak was turned into something so beautiful because of it. I want my words, even if they're messy, to help someone else. I want my pain to be a platform that speaks to another person dealing with something very similar. That's why I do what I do. That's why I can't be afraid to be real. I will share with you all what it looks like on the inside, even if I'm not proud of it.
I think each of us deals with pain differently. Some of us have the whole, "Screw the person/thing who hurt me," attitude, while others cling and hold onto that person/thing because we care and love that person/thing despite our own feelings. And some of us just go off and try to find another person or thing to fill this void in our hearts because we feel empty. I have been all of these things lately. I'm not proud of it. I am a human being who sometimes allows my emotions to rule me. Each of these approaches have left me feeling more empty than before. There is no peace, it's just chaos. I want so badly to feel something, and I thought each of those approaches would help me feel again. They didn't.
I want to paint a picture for you. I want you to understand what my heart has been looking like. Let's pretend that I own a collection of very expensive dishes. These dishes are my entire world, and I constantly keep them clean so I can show them off proudly when I have visitors come to my home. Now imagine someone coming over and taking each dish and smashing it to the ground. One by one, they destroy every dish that I have cherished and loved. Any person would be furious and heartbroken if that happened. But let's pretend for a second that instead of being upset, I say, "It's okay. You didn't mean to. Don't worry about it. Everything is okay. I'm okay." Doesn't make sense, right? This is how I am. When people hurt me, it's almost like I don't address the hurt. I make excuses, I say it's okay. The reality is, it's not okay. There's a mess all over in my heart, and I wasn't the person or thing that caused it. I just leave the mess and try to repair the broken pieces all on my own. I even try to hide the mess from everyone else. I push it aside and say, "Everything's good in here. Nothing to worry about." But I'm actually hurting and there's broken pieces everywhere and I can't put them back together on my own.
I also almost expect the person who created the mess in me to come back and apologize and help me clean up the mess. I've learned that's usually only wishful thinking. I find myself angry at the person, and I don't understand why they had to come in, break everything, and then leave. I often ask myself, "If they came back, would you welcome them with open arms?" My answer changes everyday. In moments of loneliness, I think, "Yes." Other times, I have to remind myself that it shouldn't be that easy for someone to earn their way back in to your heart. Hearts are fragile things. They need to be valued. If someone doesn't value my heart, they don't deserve what I have to offer.
I know I'm not the only person who does this. Maybe you love too much. Maybe you trusted someone with your entire being, and something happened and now they're gone, and there's a mess in your heart. You're trying to pretend everything is okay, you're trying to fix it, but it's not working. Don't put that weight on yourself. You have to be vulnerable for a second. You have to understand that you can't fix your heart by yourself. You have to be able to allow the people who love you to come inside where the mess is. It's okay to say, "It's messy in here. I can't pick up these pieces by myself. I need help."
Even on the days when I want to hold everything in, I know deep down how unhealthy it is to bottle it all up. I remember texting a friend before I left to come home for break, and I was sharing my mess with him. I was sitting in the prayer tower venting to God, tears in my eyes, and my phone buzzed. My friend had texted and said, "Healing will come when you forgive." It was one of those texts that you hate receiving because you know what is being said is true but you don't want to hear it. Forgiveness has been the last thing on my mind lately. I hadn't really thought about it and I definitely didn't want to start thinking about it. He was right though, and I knew it in my heart.
You have to forgive people when they hurt you. You have to forgive them for making a mess and not coming back to pick up the pieces. It's not that you're saying what they did was okay, it's setting yourself free from the damage they caused you, because holding onto bitterness is not healthy in order to find healing. In some cases, this person wasn't even intentionally trying to hurt you, but things happen, life happens. The hurt can still be there. I'm learning what it means to let forgiveness come into my life. You must learn to do the same. It's the only way we'll find peace.
When dealt with pain, we can react in several ways. 90% of the time, I can guarantee we push God to the side. It's like we think He doesn't understand. Newsflash: God has felt it all. Your heartbreak isn't new to Him. The pain and suffering you feel is definitely not foreign to Him. He's felt EVERYTHING. When someone hurts you, they hurt Him too. God is one with us, don't think He doesn't experience things with us. God knows how much you loved the smell of that boy's cologne and how you felt your heart coming alive every time you kissed him. He knows how betrayed and rejected you feel now that he's gone. God knows that you put every ounce of your being into chasing your dreams, and He knows the disappointment you feel when you don't see things working out. He sees, He knows, He feels it.
People can help us pick up the broken pieces in our hearts, but only God can mend them together. Not us, but Him. It'll take some time, but eventually, your heart will be fixed, no longer dead. Tell Jesus to come. I promise He will.
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"You came, I knew that You would come. You sang, my heart it woke up. I'm not afraid, I see Your face, I am alive. You came, I knew that You would come."
