When I was little, one of my most favorite movies was Peter Pan. I had a pretty crazy imagination, and the idea of a boy coming to my window to whisk me away to Neverland was pretty appealing. Not only that, but just the idea of never growing up was appealing.
I liked my innocence, I liked my imagination and ability to dream up whatever I wanted in my head and live it out as if it was real. And trust me, I believed it was real. So much of my imagination has shaped me even now. I used to dream of love and meeting that one person to sweep me off my feet. I used to dream of starting college and being 18. A lot of these things I'm already beginning to experience, and it blows my mind to be living something you used to dream about years ago.
But let me just confess something.. growing up is not everything I expected it to be. Some moments and in some instances, it's far better than what I dreamed. Other times, it's so much harder and draining. I can go to bed happy one night and then the next night I find myself feeling empty. I'm confident for an instant and then the next I'm unbelievably insecure.
I never feel like I'm on solid ground. It's terrifying to me how time moves so fast and I have to adjust to it. I hate how things seem to be in place and then suddenly everything is falling apart around me. I don't know how to deal with it, I don't know how to be prepared for the craziness of life. I don't know how to shelter my heart from hurt, I don't know how to be myself but also be cautious in who I let into my life. I expose my heart so much, I share my love and it always seems to backfire.
I'm three weeks into college and I feel like I've seen the best and worst of God. I've had my high moments with Jesus where I'm enveloped in His grace and love, and it's so so beautiful. But let me be real.. the last two weeks I've been so angry with God and with myself. I feel like I've fallen short. I don't feel good enough. I'm confused every second and my mind is a fog that is growing thicker by the minute.
I keep asking God, "What is happening?" And I don't hear His voice. I had a plan for college, I had a vision. And something came into my life and suddenly my vision was changing, but yet it still held so much of what I had planned before. And it was good, it was amazing. But that plan is now leaving my life and I blame myself. I feel like it's my fault.
Every time I say it's my fault, it's like I can hear Robin Williams saying back to me, "It's not your fault." I can hear it so clearly, I can envision this scene of Good Will Hunting with Matt Damon and Robin Williams; and how real it was.
"It's not your fault."
"It's not your fault."
"It's not your fault."
He says it until Matt Damon can no longer believe the lies in his heart. I feel as though God is trying to tell me something, and He's using this scene from Good Will Hunting to let me hear it. He's going to keep saying this until I no longer believe the lies, until I come running back to Him. He is my source, my portion, my rock, my true love, and I have neglected His love so much lately. It's time for me to stop wandering in the wilderness alone, it's time for me to seek Him out. It's time for me to chase my dream.
Maybe you find yourself in a season where you feel confused or hurt. Maybe everything is falling apart or you feel like you have no control over anything that's happening. You have to know that just because it seems like it's your fault, doesn't mean that it actually is. I have to look at every "loss" as potentially a gain, because maybe God wants so much more for me than what I think I deserve. This is true for you, this is what you need to remember. You need to remember what you deserve. You need to remember that it's not your fault. You need to embrace the confusion and make it something bigger than yourself. Seek Jesus, surrender and give Him the weight. Build an alter on your heart. Use your pain as a platform. I mean, that's what I'm doing right now, and it works. It will work for you.
This was a tweet of mine recently, and I just felt like closing this blog post by sharing it with you all..
"I am broken down, but my God is a builder, a designer. And He will build me back up again, because He promised me He would. I love that."
