A few weeks ago, I was having a really bad day. We all have bad days, but for me, this was not your normal bad day. It wasn't that something bad happened to me, or that things weren't going right. The issue was me.
How did I cause my bad day, you might be wondering? My bad days are almost always caused by something I struggle with daily: overthinking.
I overthink everything. My Nana always likes to tell me that my mind is constantly running, and that by just looking at me, she can tell when I have a million thoughts going through my head. I can't escape them, no matter how hard I try.
I find myself questioning God and His plans for my life. I question my relationship with my boyfriend and my friendships. Everything in my life could be fine, but somehow, I overthink it so much that suddenly I'm fearful. I'm fearful of losing it all, fearful that my life won't be as fulfilling as I want it to be. I'm beyond scared of being alone, so much that if I spend a lot of time by myself, it's destructive.
I overthink the most late at night. It's like the Enemy knows how vulnerable I am when I'm alone, and it's the perfect opportunity for him to mess with me. A sad song will come on, and suddenly my mind is going everywhere. And I keep playing sad songs until it's too much. It's honestly terrifying how easy it is to get yourself in a dark place.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky once said, "To think too much is a disease." Unfortunately for me, I fell victim to this too many times.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky once said, "To think too much is a disease." Unfortunately for me, I fell victim to this too many times.
Days went by, my sadness only getting worse. I can remember this night so clearly. It was late, and I felt lonely. I was tired of feeling this way, and instead of my usual sad music, I turned on my worship playlist and I just let God into my darkness. I closed my eyes and the strangest thing happened. It was like I could hear God speaking to me.
"Lock eyes with Me," I heard clearly.
I began to cry because it was so unexpected, but it was everything I needed to hear. Overthinking was pushing me further from God. It's difficult to have faith when you're overthinking everything in your life. It robs you of so much joy. It can mess with your relationships and your sanity. I no longer want to be held down by my insecurities and fears. I've struggled my entire life with not feeling good enough, and overthinking was only fueling it.
The only thing in this life that can kill overthinking is Jesus. In Jesus is where we find our confidence and security. Our mind is a beautiful, complex thing; it's not meant to be poisoned by darkness. We have to actively seek a relationship with Jesus to grow. The more you grow with the Lord, the easier it is to fight the things you struggle with. I wasn't doing my part to grow, which I believe is something we all struggle with.
You are not your thoughts. I know sometimes you battle these feelings and they're dark and disturbing. I know you live in fear of everything around you, and you're scared of good things happening to you because you don't want it to be taken away. I know you hate being disappointed and that's why you question every piece of your life.
I'm here to tell you I get it. I'm here to say I get it because I am you. This is my struggle too. But it doesn't mean we walk in defeat. It's a process, just like anything else. We have to choose to walk out of the darkness. The first step is scary, terrifying actually. Fighting my fears is not something I've been good at. But I long for more. I long to feel secure in myself.
Take that step. Don't hold back. I promise you're not doing it alone.
