Happy 2 Year Anniversary to my blog! It's crazy to think that for two years now, I've been able to pour my heart out to you and encourage you with what I'm learning in my life. I am beyond blessed and grateful to have this opportunity to do what I love.
In honor of this special day, I'm uploading something that I wrote back in September. I have contemplated whether or not to post this as a blog, but I believe it completely captures the story of why I started blogging in the first place! I actually wrote this as a personal disclosure speech for my speech class last semester! The topic was, "write a speech about something that made you who you are". I actually wrote my speech in thirty minutes, and I will say that getting up and sharing it in front of my class was extremely difficult for me as the speech is honest, raw, and real. It shows my most vulnerable side, and it took everything in me to share that with people, just as it's taking everything in me to share this right now. I hope you enjoy this, because it's so special to me.
In life, we will all have what I like to call our own Devil’s. These Devils are the things that are the hardest to talk about, the things we push deeper and deeper into nothingness, the things we hope nobody will ever discover and question. It's the things about us that we are ashamed of, and that makes us question our worth and purpose on earth. What made me who I am today was overcoming my own Devil--myself.
If anyone knows me, they know I'm overall a pretty happy person. But you'd be surprised at what all you don't know about me. I'm not always as happy as I seem. I'm constantly having to deal with a lack of confidence in myself, I'm constantly battling myself and belittling myself. Everyone has their enemies, and mine has always been myself. It seems silly, but it's not. It's a serious issue that I've dealt with for many years. I never thought I was good enough, I always felt like I wasn't special. I mean who was I to think that I could ever really make a difference in this world? My life didn't feel like it served a purpose at all. I didn't really know who I was and who I could become. I never thought I was pretty or exciting or worthy of love and something beautiful. It seemed like everyone else knew what they were good at, they knew who they were. I felt stuck, having to watch everyone else live their lives while I was suffering on the inside. At night I would lay in bed and wonder what God thought of me--how could He be proud of me? I was failing in life already at such a young age. What plan and purpose could He have for me? I was already out of the race before I even started.
After getting into my first real relationship, I felt as if I was slowly starting to gain confidence, but not in the correct way. I had basically put my self-worth, my identity, in this boy. Looking back now, how selfish of me to put that kind of burden on someone else. It wasn't his job to love me, to show me my worth. That should've first been my job. But I put that on him and that wasn't fair. When that relationship ended, it really damaged me. I lost myself more and more. I was left wondering if anyone could ever really want me and know me. Who am I? Who is Jessalyn Faith? I didn't really even know the answer. I knew I was in a low spot, I knew I needed fixing. Nobody could do that for me, only I could do it for myself.
There's this quote from Todd LaBerge that says, “We will have moments when we ask ourselves "Am I worth loving?" And the answer must always be yes. Even if you don't feel it.”
So I did the only thing I've ever really been good at. I wrote my feelings down. I documented my heartbreak and journey on my blog, something I didn't start until the breakup. It felt so good, so right, to be doing this, to be blogging and writing. I didn't know at the time what we become of my blog, but I hoped that in some way my words would help someone dealing with heartbreak as well. I had two focuses: to gain self-esteem, and get back with God. I feel so bad because I just completely pushed Him aside during those moments. I didn't understand I was hurting Him by not loving myself, by not thinking I was good enough. I was tearing down something He worked so hard to create, something He loved deeply and unconditionally. The fact that He loved me when I was unlovable proves to me what a Savior I have come to know and serve.
The writing was a huge factor in overcoming my Devil. It gave me a purpose. I finally felt like I was discovering who I was and what I was meant to do. I felt all of that when I was writing, I felt that calling from God and I haven't stopped believing that that it is what I'm meant to do. I knew even in my weakest moments, God was pursuing me more than ever. Everything was better whenever I finally just let go and pursued Him back. I found a sense of worth that I've never felt before. It's been the longest, hardest journey of my life. But finally I was at a point where I could finally see progress in my life.
I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I have moments whenever I lose my confidence again, and it instantly makes me feel sick inside and I want to crawl into a hole and never come out again. I constantly have to push through and keep fighting it. I have to remember who I am.. And Whose I am. This is a topic I never like to talk about, but it is something I write about a lot in my blogs. If you're ever curious to read my journey, I promise it's all there. If you have a Devil in your own life, the best way to fight it is to make it known that it's there. Admitting it will help you begin the process of fighting it. And winning is the ultimate goal. I will win--I will one day defeat my Devil. I am who I am today because of everything I've been through. I have gained so much knowledge and discovered so much within myself that I never would've found if I hadn't had to piece myself back together. I can honestly say I'm really proud of myself and the progress I've made.
Who is Jessalyn Faith, you may ask? She's a writer, a dreamer, a young girl who is exciting and worthy of something beautiful. She’s loved by True Love Himself, the Creator of all things. She has confidence, she has purpose, she is not weak. And she is better than her Devil.
