A Troubled Heart

"No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me. From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand. Till He returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand."

Today my heart is troubled. Late Friday night I discovered via Twitter that Christina Grimmie had been shot after her concert in Orlando, Florida. Immediately I felt sick inside. I have known of her for many years, because she was basically YouTube famous. I used to listen to her cover with Sam Tsui of "Just A Dream" by Nelly on repeat ALL the time. It was probably my favorite cover she ever did. I remember seeing her audition for the Voice, and knew she was going to be a strong contender. She was so young and her talent was unbelievable. 

I used to listen to her and wonder how someone could make singing like that so easy. She did it flawlessly, and you could see how passionate she was about it. Another thing I admired about her was her faith. She wasn't afraid to express that, because if you watched her videos, you could see it. Her cover of "In Christ Alone" gives me chills from head to toe. 

I said a prayer for her and went to bed Friday night hoping she wasn't seriously hurt. Waking up on Saturday, I checked to see if there was an update on her condition, and my heart just broke. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. She's really gone, that beautiful, talented young girl is gone. She was 22 years old, just living her dream and loving every second of it. I can't even imagine the pain her family is feeling right now. They encouraged her to do what she loved, to sing and make music, but they didn't know it would be because of what she loved that she would one day be taken from them. That to me is absolutely sickening, because that's not how it's supposed to be. 

I watched the video she posted on Twitter the day she died, she was encouraging everyone to come out to see her in Orlando. She looked so excited, so happy. She didn't know what was yet to come. I watched Selena Gomez's tribute with the song "Transfiguration" by Hillsong Worship and wanted to cry because I was so moved and I just felt so sad. Nothing that I say will bring healing to anyone who has been affected by this tragedy. If the words I wrote could bring some form of healing, I would write a million novels right now and I wouldn't stop until I reached that goal. I wish I could say I knew her, really knew her. 

Things happen everyday that are painful and unbearable. We sit and we wonder, "why did this happen?" We can ask this question all day long, but we will get nowhere in doing so. The real truth here is that Satan is real too. He's real just like God. And he really is here to steal, kill, and destroy. 

I'm comforted by the fact that Christina knew Jesus, and I'm certain that where she is is somewhere better than here on Earth. Eternity was in her heart, the longing for Jesus was evident in her life. And now, she is walking in the Light and Truth. I know I never got to meet her here, but I look forward to meeting her on the other side of eternity. She has reminded me of just how precious life is, and I feel like I always forget that.

Satan may think he was victorious on Friday night, but God will always conquer him. There has been so much chaos the past couple of days, shootings happening left and right. Lives being taken, but God is still here. He is still God. In this time we need a Savior. We need that hope that only He can bring. He is the healing in our hearts, He is the comforter for our pain. We have to cling to what is good. As saddened as I am, I know my faith in something greater than myself is stronger, always stronger than anything, even death.

"Now I know, I have seen, the glory that cannot be unseen. I am changed, changing still, as I look upon the Lord and believe. Holy is the Lord revealed before my eyes, and my burning heart can scarcely take it in. As I behold your beauty with unworthy eyes, the only song my soul can find to sing is hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah my King."

The Path Of Sin

Isn't it crazy how one day life is going right, then the next moment everything is crumbling at your feet? I like to think I can be flexible and positive in any circumstance, and keep the faith. I rely deeply on my relationship with God through the biggest struggles in my life. But right now, my faith is shaky. 

It's not that I'm blaming God for what I'm going through, because He's about the only thing that's keeping me going. It's my faith in certain people. It's not always the easiest situation to be in. It will drain you before you know it. I'm battling whether it's time to cut ties or hold on. But I'll be honest here, holding on hurts. A lot. So what about the people who are hurting you, and they don't even realize it? How do you tell them, "stop it, you're hurting me"? They don't get it, they don't understand. Their choices are deeply affecting you, and those around you. They're going their own way, and not looking back. They are willing to sacrifice everything, because they don't see the consequences. 

Let me tell you some truth here: If you choose the path of sin, be prepared to leave those around you wounded. The ones who love you most, the ones who care about your well-being, the knife will cut deeper into them with every choice of sin you make. 

In my own life, I'm finally beginning to understand the pain Jesus feels everyday. I finally see it from His eyes, and the pain is unbearable. We reject Him, we push Him away, we don't listen to Him as we're sinking deeper and deeper into the sea of sin, as He's crying out, "You don't know what you're doing! Come back to me! This isn't what you truly want!" His hand is right there, He's begging us to take hold of it, but we're so blinded and lost in the moment that we don't see it there. 

I get it now. And Jesus, I'm so sorry. I've always asked Him, "Break the things in me that break Your heart," and I've felt so sick inside lately now that my eyes have been opened. It's not worth it. Losing people in your life, losing hold of God, it's not worth it. At the end of the day, we all have a choice. You have a choice, I have a choice. He has set before us death and life. So what will you choose? God says, "choose life." (Deuteronomy 30:19) 

And about cutting ties with people that are hurting you, that decision is ultimately up to you. Are you willing to put up with it? Are you willing to hurt for certain people? I question everyday what I should do. Sometimes maybe the solution is distancing yourself from the hurt. That's what I've tried to do. If I could choose, I'd rather not hurt at all. 

I always find myself quoting lyrics from my favorite worship songs, but they bring me so much comfort. There's this line from a song that says, "In the midst of my darkness, will You shine Your light? Bring me hope again.. speak to me." And goes on to say, "When all is lost, I will find myself in You." No matter what season of life you're in, whatever it is that you're going through, you can find yourself in Him. Always Jesus.