I sighed quietly, and turned to face him. "I wasn't avoiding you."
He sat down next to me. "I know you better than you think. Now, talk to me. I'm ready to listen."
I took a deep breath. It was stupid, really. How can you explain a feeling you can't seem to understand yourself? "It's nothing worth talking about."
"Everything that you feel is worth talking about. I don't care how ridiculous it is. I want to listen to you."
I couldn't avoid his strong gaze. His eyes were pouring into mine, and I found myself almost getting lost into them. "I'm scared."
"Why are you scared?" he asked.
"I'm scared that I'll never heal. I'll never fully move on. I'll never let go of the past. I'm scared that no one is going to want me," I said, tears starting to form in my eyes. "I'm the type that can never let anything go. I can't let this person go, oh but I need to. I can't let go of the memories, the laughs.. All of it. But they seem to be doing such an excellent job at it. I don't get it, you know? I want to let it go, and move on, but how can I let go of something that made me so happy? How do I accept that? And even though I find them so hard to let go of, I am just desperately wanting to find something else. I can't explain what I'm trying to find, because I don't really know. I don't know anything. I'm worried that I'm too unlovable. I try to be everything a person can want.. But I'm terrified that it's not working. Is something wrong with me? Why do I still feel this way? It weighs me down. And I can't take it anymore."
My heart ached with loneliness. I had no idea how he was going to react to that rant. Nothing that I felt made any sense to me.
"Have you forgotten that I will go before you and make the crooked places straight?" he asked, his face as serious as ever.
That one question immediately shattered my heart.
"Jesus.. I'm so sorry," I said, sobbing at his feet. "I know all of that. I do. I don't understand any of this. I have drifted so far from you."
"My Father's plan for you has always been good. You have to believe that," he said, lifting my head to meet his gaze.
"I love you. I didn't die for you to live your life believing you are unlovable. You are beautiful, worthy of all the love there is to offer. But you need to find it in me before you find it in someone else. Then, and only then, will everything begin to fall into place. Everything that's happened to you, is molding you into exactly what you need to be. Trust me." He gripped my hand tightly.
"I... I trust you, Jesus. I love you. Please fix me," I said, weeping.
"Look at me," he said, lifting me up on my feet. I stared into his eyes, his eyes full of fire and raging with love. "Walk in my strength and never let your faith waver. Don't you ever doubt my love for you. It's always here even when someone fails to love you for everything you are. My love is the only thing you'll ever need."
I nodded. "I'm so sorry that I've avoided you. I was just too humiliated to actually admit that I've been a mess."
"There's nothing wrong with asking for my help whenever you find yourself empty. All I desire is to lavish my love on you." he said, pulling me into his embrace.
For the first time in a long time, my heart suddenly felt hopeful. I wanted to laugh and cry all at once. "Thank you. I promise I'll always come to you whenever I need you."
"I'm just a simple call away," he said, his smile making my heart warm and full.
I watched him walk away, in awe of his perfection. Never had I seen such a loving, gentle soul before. I felt lucky that he thought I was worth something. Every trace of fear I had before seemed to have washed away with my tears.
"You are so amazing, Lord. I owe you everything and more. Thank you for putting me back together again." I whispered.
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"Lead me to You. Forever, Lord, I will pursue, I will pursue. You've won my heart,
Jesus, You're all that I want--all that I want." -Hillsong Worship
