Things Change In A Year

I can't help but look at the date today. I look at it and feel sad. And not only do I feel sad, I feel disappointed. Around this time last year, I was happy. Content. Full of joy and life. Everything was going right. I remember thinking to myself, "I seriously can't wait for where I'll be on this very date next year." Do I feel this way now? No. It just makes me think about everything that went wrong. So far, this year hasn't gone in my favor the way I wanted it to. Last year was amazing.. The best year I ever had. I wish I could say I was having a great year, but unfortunately I can't. But luckily for me.. There's still time for that to change. I'm praying for a change. A year changes everything. It honestly does. Last year, I never would've thought I would be disappointed a year later. If I could go back in time and relive those days again, I would in a heartbeat. I keep asking, "Why God? Why did this have to happen? Why did it have to change?" I haven't received an answer, but I hope I get something to clarify why this had to happen. I hope to obtain strength and wisdom somehow from everything. They say "time heals all wounds" but I don't necessarily agree with that. Time continues to pass and am I happy yet? No, I'm still confused and sad. What I do know is Jesus heals all wounds. What I need to do is continue to trust Him to fix me. I'm too hesitant -- I can't willingly surrender like I should. I'm like Peter when he walked on water. I get distracted from everything around me instead of looking at Jesus, and I'm lacking the faith to just walk towards Him. So instead I'm sinking, crying out, "Help!" while Jesus is calling to me, "Look at me. Look at me. Have faith, and just look at me." Then I think back to that song that says, "When I fix my eyes on all that You are, then every doubt I feel deep in my heart grows strangely dim." And then the verse in Romans comes to mind: "And we know they in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love Him." So yes, things can change in a year. Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it doesn't seem like it's a good thing but it actually is, and sometimes it's a bad thing. But no matter what, God will direct our steps. So yes, today the date makes me sad. But maybe next year I'll look at it and no longer feel that way. It's just one day. There's 364 other days to make up for today. And just saying that honestly makes me so happy. Thank you Lord for a new day. :)

An Open Letter To The Boy I Still Love

They say that writing out your thoughts brings healing and comfort, and I couldn't agree more. This letter is basically me telling you how grateful I am to know you, and why you are the most amazing person I know.

When I met you, I was in a dark place. Everyday was a constant struggle to smile, and I just wasn't happy with my life. Back then I was still trying to find who I was. I was desperately trying to make sense of everything in my life. 

But you came along. At the time I didn't understand. How on earth did I cross paths with you? It wasn't coincidence, it couldn't have been. You were just a stranger that I found attractive. Little did I realize you would be something more than just attractive. Your kindness was something I didn't expect. You made me feel comfortable, and at that moment, you were still just a stranger. A stranger I really wanted to get to know.

Not only did I feel comfortable, I felt like I could be myself. I only was able to talk to you for maybe an hour, and I decided I wanted to spend hours upon hours talking to you again. I knew it would be awhile until I saw you again. Or maybe I wouldn't see you at all. At the time I just didn't know. But God knew what was yet to come even when we didn't. I like to think that He was beaming the moment we shook hands, for He knew we were both in for a surprise, a surprise only He could've came up with.

I remember when we started texting. For once in my life I actually was ready to get out of bed and start the day. Because starting the day meant talking to you. And who doesn't just love talking to you? You had me smiling so big 24/7 that I couldn't believe it was possible. Was this the same broken girl that everyone was getting used to? It couldn't have been. Why? Because she was smiling again. That just wasn't possible. But it was possible. You were changing me. You were changing me in the best way possible. I was letting my walls down for you. 

I remember the day you asked me to be your girlfriend. I remember where I was when I read the text. Unfortunately distance made it to where you had to ask in text, instead of in person. But it was great and wonderful, and I really didn't care. I just cared about what was happening in the moment. I remember the way you asked too. I had just gotten out of school for the summer, and I was going to eat dinner with my parents for my birthday. I was jamming to my music in the backseat of my parent's car, sitting at a stop light. And I read that text and my heart rate increased. It was such a happy day. One of the highlights of my life.

Being your girlfriend was one of the greatest honors ever, and I'm being so honest. I was able to get to know you better, and spend time with your amazing family that I grew to love with all my heart. Each moment with you brought so much happiness to my soul. I was myself again. I was no longer broken. It was like God brought you into my life to show me just how real He was. You were like my angel in a dark place. 

Not only were you this respectful, thoughtful guy, you were also mature. That's why people loved you. My family adored you for the way you treated me, and the way you treated them. My mom wasn't lying to you when she said you were every parent's dream for their daughter. I don't believe that will ever change. 

Unfortunately, you found yourself in a dark place. We all get to that stage. It's inevitable. And things began changing. I tried my best to help you, to encourage you, to lift you up. Seeing you sad made me sad. You didn't deserve it. If I could've taken all the happiness inside of me and put it in you, I would've. You have to believe that. I cared about your happiness more than mine. I loved you more and more during this stage in your life. You needed love and someone to be there for you, and you have to understand that I tried my best. I really really did. I wanted you to be whole again. 

That's when we broke up. And I found myself in a dark place again. It's been hard. I miss you lots. I miss your family too. And even though I don't understand why this all happened, I'm so happy that I was able to experience it all with you. Just thinking about it all makes me cry. Because it was so wonderful. I would do it again, just so I could meet you and fall in love with you once more. Would I ever date you again? Yes. No hesitation in that answer. Would I marry you? Yes. Will I ever stop loving you and caring about you? No. Impossible. No part of me could ever stop. Am I mad that you broke up with me? No. Not mad, maybe confused and disappointed, but never mad. I could never hold a grudge against you. I still see you as the amazing guy I dated.

It's kind of lonely now that we don't talk as much as we used to. But that's okay. It just means that what I felt for you was real. No regrets (ragrets, not even a single letter), right? I miss quoting you Chris Poindexter poems, and teasing you, and you teasing me back. I miss saying "hey yourself" and sending you rants about One Tree Hill. I miss you telling me metaphors and us discussing Avatar and Korra. I miss your smile and the way you said my name. I also especially miss you saying, "Jessalyn, you suck!" (I still have a voicemail on my phone of you saying that.) 

I hope if anything we can still be close like we always were. You're still my best friend and my favorite guy on this planet. I still pray for you and think about you daily. All I've ever wanted for you was to be happy. And successful in everything you do. God has so much in store for you. I know because I can feel it. I'm happy I could play some role in your life. I hope I left my mark, not a scar, just a mark. You left a big one on my heart, and my heart is still full of you. And I hope that's something that never goes away. 

Thank you for everything you've done for me. For making me believe again, for making me so happy, for giving me so many memories, for making me feel special and loved. For all the laughs, the smiles, the tears, and the massive amount of butterflies I had every time I saw you. Thank you also for being a huge inspiration when it came to writing. I wouldn't have gotten through the poetry unit in creative writing if it hadn't been for you. Pretty sure almost all my poems were about you. And I wouldn't even have this blog if it wasn't for your belief in me. As Taylor Swift said in that amazing song she wrote for Adam Young, I was enchanted to meet you.

Just know I will always be here for you. No matter what. I hope we're still in each other's lives when we're older. I'm going to keep my promise. The promise I made to you on Valentine's Day. My kids will know who you are. They will know the impact you made on my life. Not only will they know, but everyone who knows me will know.

Please pursue your dream of being a journalist. Don't let anyone tell you it's a stupid dream. Don't think for a second that you can't do it. You are an amazing writer. I always thought it was crazy that we both loved writing. In a way, that brought us closer. Your rants and thoughts that you spill on paper are wonderful. You blow me away with your words. Your metaphors are genius too. People need to hear you. Your work has blessed me and I know it will bless others too. I believe in you. I always thought it would be cool if we collaborated. Sadly we didn't have enough time to do that. Maybe one day. I would love that. It would be quite the honor to work with you. 

You are going to do amazing things in this world. You have something special. You have value and worth and potential. As they say on One Tree Hill, "What you do matters. And how you do it matters." Make an impact. Leave your mark. You've left it on me, so go leave it on others. 

I wrote this so that whenever you felt down or sad or like you don't matter, you could read this and know you changed my life. And that's something that no matter how many times I say thank you, it won't be enough. It'll never be enough. This world would be so empty without you. I can't imagine my life if it doesn't have you. It's pointless if you aren't here. Remember that. 

I will always love you. You are my inspiration. I look forward to seeing who you become, and seeing everything God has in store for you. 

Love,

Jessalyn

A Fictional Inspiration

This is going to sound so crazy, but a big inspiration of mine is a fictional character. But not just any fictional character! The ultimate fictional character....

Brooke Penelope Davis. Without Brooke.. One Tree Hill wouldn't have been as amazing as it was. She was the highlight of the show. There are several reasons why she was such an inspiration, and yes I'm taking the time to name them all! ;) 

1.) Her sass - 

Brooke Davis was known for her sass. She was the one to get in your face and straight up tell you what she was feeling inside. Several times throughout the show I would just die laughing because of something she said. One wouldn't want to get in a fight with Brooke, she always had the best comebacks!

2.) She's felt pain too - 

Brooke Davis gave so much of herself when it came to relationships. And sadly that has costed her a lot. She experienced heartbreak and pain, and lack of self-esteem. I know this feeling so seeing Brooke go through that, and watching her overcome it really hit home. Her strength is inspiring. And it's not cliche.. Everything she went through in relationships was real and it happens everyday. She went through it all.. And I'd say it only made her stronger. 

3.) The way she changed -

I can't stress this enough. I used to hate Brooke. When I first started watching One Tree Hill.. I couldn't stand her. She was just a girl who flirted with everyone and was a snob. But she went through a huge transformation as the show went on, and I began to see her for who she truly was: this amazing, talented, caring young lady with so many talents and such potential.

4.) Her relationship with Julian -

Ugh. Julian... I love Julian. I'm naming my son Julian because of how wonderful he was in the show. He and Brooke made me so happy. He was so good to Brooke and gave her every reason to believe that he wasn't going to hurt her. After past experiences with getting hurt, Brooke was scared. And Julian comes in and wow.. He fixes everything. I want my own Julian Baker. I couldn't have loved a fictional couple more than I loved them. I shipped them hardcore. I was happy that they ended up together and had a family.

5.) She's stunning - 

I don't even need to say anything else. It speaks for itself. One can't deny her beauty.

We all need a little Brooke Davis inside of us. ;)

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

Oh my. It's been awhile.. Hasn't it? I believe the last time I wrote you I experienced my first heartbreak. Well here we are... And two months ago.. I experienced heartbreak #2. 

I find myself right back where I started. My love.. I think I'm ready to give up. I just don't believe love and I get along. Love just isn't fair to me. Why is that? I can't understand. I put so much of myself into it, and it slaps me in the face. It laughs at me.. Takes joy in my suffering. It pulls at my confidence and makes me feel pathetic and worthless. 

Whenever I want to find comfort, I think of you. I think of your smile, your eyes, the kind of heart you might have. Hopefully you have beaten down all my walls and understand how scary I find love to be. But I also hope that you've given me a reason to believe in it all again. 

I wonder if we've met. If we haven't yet.. I hope we meet soon. As weird as this sounds I just wish I could see you right now. I just want to hear you say, "It's okay. Keep going because I'm here. And you'll be with me soon. Don't stop believing that I'll find you."

I know with time that maybe I'll start to open up again. I'm just afraid of ending up back where I started. I hate being broken. I want to be whole again. By the time you read this.. I'll have found you.. And you'll be the guy that never leaves. 

I picture that our relationship will be like Alex and Lena in Delirium. I'll be hesitant and I'll say to you, "I don't know any other way." And you look at me.. Your eyes full of hope and love as you whisper, "Let me show you." Just like that, I believe. Why? Because your honesty overwhelms me and there's too much truth in your voice and in your kiss. Wow, that's so cheesy. But I can't help it. ;)

I love you. I promise I will get through this. I promise I will find you. My heart is ready to find you. I look forward to staring into your eyes and falling in love with you everyday for the rest of my life. You're definitely in for a treat because I'll probably read you poetry every night and sing you silly love songs.. So I'm kind of excited. 

I'm praying for you. I'm ready to see what kind of future we'll have together. I know it's going to be beautiful. We're going to move mountains and put everyone in awe of our love. I just know it. :)

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Your bride,

Jessalyn