I surrender

I have so much to say and I don't think I'll be able to tell everything but I'll do my best. I experienced God on a whole new level this past weekend. Lately I've been struggling big time. So much has been going on in my life, all this pain has been caving in on me. I've felt worthless and defeated and I've been trying to make it better but I felt like I was losing the fight. I won't go in details about this certain situation, I will say that it has left me full of questions that don't have answers. 

Acquire the Fire always comes at the perfect time. And I knew I needed an encounter with God. I was desperately ready for this. 

The first message hit me hard. The thing that struck me was this: "Jesus didn't come to make bad people good, but to make dead people alive."

I never thought of it that way. Is it possible to have your body be living, yet on the inside, you're dead? Dead from the depression, the insecurities, the heartbreak, anything along those lines. I think we all experience this at some point. I've been walking dead. I'm tired of trying to play it cool like I'm okay, when really I'm not. It's time to be open about our struggles. I decided I wanted God to make me alive again.

Next thing I know, we're worshiping and my favorite worship song, I surrender, starts playing. I can't even begin to describe to you how that made me feel. I discovered that song awhile back. When I first heard it, I fell in love. It's such a powerful song, and Hillsong is known for those powerful songs. I listened to it quite frequently and it became my daily confession. I would watch the live performances for the song on YouTube on repeat. The people in the crowd would be worshiping and I thought, "how cool would it be to actually hear this song live and be able to worship to it?" 

I began to get super emotional as we continued to sing it. I knew every word and I was lost in His presence. It was so exciting. 

Then Saturday rolls around and we sang I again which was (once again) sooooo amazing! Worshiping with thousands of people is seriously the most incredible thing I've ever experienced. 

We also took communion which was something we've never done at ATF before, and afterwards they began singing the amazing Kari Jobe song "Forever" and that was so wonderful. His presence filled the room as we sang the words loudly:

"... The power of hell forever broken. The ground began to shake, the stone was rolled away, His perfect love could not be overcome. Now death, where is your sting? Our Resurrected King has rendered you defeated! Forever He is glorified, forever He is lifted high! Forever He is risen, He is ALIVE, He is ALIVE."   

This was so emotional. You could FEEL Him in the room. And it only kept getting stronger as we kept singing..

"We sing hallelujah, we sing hallelujah, we sing hallelujah, the Lamb has overcome.."

There was this specific moment though that I really encountered God. I mean REALLY encountered Him. It was during the last session, and once again, we were worshiping. We kept repeating a verse from a song and it went like this:

"From my heart to the heavens, Jesus be the center. It's all about You, yes it's all about You.." 

The more you sing this line, the more powerful it becomes. We sang it over and over and over and over again. I remember telling God, "I want You to be the center. Be my center, Lord."

It's such a simple cry. Jesus be the center. It is definitely powerful though. Our words and confessions are full of power. 

Then I surrender started playing again and of course I'm freaking out because it's my song playing! But the guy leading worship told us to get on our knees, and imagine that we were kneeling before the throne. It was then that I began to cry. It felt so real to me that I actually believed for a second that I was kneeling before Jesus. I had all these thoughts going through my head. How I didn't feel worthy of Him, or how I was so broken, empty, imperfect. I told Him even though nothing in my life was going right, I trusted Him. I apologized to Him for everything that I had done wrong. I felt as though He said to keep pressing on because eventually everything would go right. And I'm going to hold onto that promise.

I also remember a man saying something along the lines of, "Pay attention to God right now. Forget everything else around you. Whatever it is that's been bothering you and distracting you, forget it for a moment. Forget about the problems you're facing back home, forget about that boy or girl, just focus on Jesus." How I needed to hear that. 

So on my knees, I began singing the words to I surrender with thousands of my brothers and sisters in Christ. 

"I surrender, I surrender, I want to know You more. I want to know You more. Like a rushing wind, Jesus breathe within. Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way in me. Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul. Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way in me."

Then we find ourselves singing One Thing Remains...

"Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. Cause on and on and on and on it goes. Yes it overwhelms and satisfies my soul. And I'll never ever have to be afraid, cause this one thing remains. In death, in life, I'm confident and covered by the power of Your great love. My debt is paid, there's nothing that can separate my heart from Your great love."

The tears are still flowing like crazy as they switch it up to How He Loves:

"He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves.."

And they even pulled Oceans on us which made me cry even more as I had my hands raised in the air towards Heaven...

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."

I had a massive spiritual high. God was really getting me fired up with His love. I felt so cleansed in that atmosphere. Imagine thousands of people with their hands raised, singing praises to God. It's quite a beautiful sight, and being apart of that, wow. There's nothing in the world that can compare to that.

There is so much hope for our generation. I know our world is pretty terrible and there's a lot of darkness taking over, but seeing all those young people worshiping, I knew that we all would change the world. That we were gonna be the army that rises up and takes the armor of God and fights for His glory. 

That type of atmosphere was the type where chains are broken, addictions stop, freedom is found, healing happens, and the dead come to life. That was a huge thing that ran through my head during the intense worship. The Holy Spirit was truly working through all of us. 

After the worship was finally over (it lasted a good hour and a half), a man preached a message that had me screaming "AMEN!" 

He talked about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the fiery furnace. I've heard this story a lot growing up. But it hit me in a new way. We all know that they refused to worship that statue from King Nebuchadnezzar, and because of that, Nebuchadnezzar threw them into the fiery furnace. And God sent an angel in there with them and they were alive, they didn't even smell like smoke! Nebuchadnezzar couldn't even believe it! 

What Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego said to King Nebuchadnezzar whenever he told them to worship the statue was this:

"King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty's hand. But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

EVEN IF. EVEN IF. EVEN IF. 

That is faith right there. Even if. We need that kind of attitude. 

I'll still serve You, Jesus, even if I lose friends. I'll still serve You, even if the guy I want to be with doesn't want to be with me back. I'll still serve You, even if my world is falling apart. I'll still serve You, even if it feels like You aren't there. I'll still serve You, even if I'm broken. 

I pray that we all can have that kind of faith. What I want you to take away from all of this is to have faith. It's hard to stand strong whenever everything is falling apart. I'm not perfect. I sure try to be and it never works out. But God has spent so long running after my heart, and I finally want to stop feeling ashamed of my life. It's time for me to give it all to Him, and have faith. Faith that the stuff I've been worrying about will work itself out. This weekend changed me, truly. I'll never go back to the way I used to be. I'm taking it one day at a time. I am more than a conqueror and I am worthy of love and affection, and I'm enough, always. 

I pray that you took something from this. I'll be praying for you, whoever you are that's been reading this entire post. God loves you, and He wants you to step out and have faith. Trust the process. He knows what He's doing. 

I surrender. Do you? 

The lonely pit

We all face a similar feeling. It comes and goes and sometimes it lasts longer than we want. It can even last so long that we simply grow used to feeling it. Loneliness. 

I will be the first to say that I struggle with this on a daily basis. Yes, I'm not perfect. I'm actually far from it. I have my own battles just like you, and loneliness definitely tops my list.

Loneliness tends to come in different forms and for different reasons. Maybe all your friends have big plans for the weekend and you're stuck at home by yourself. It happens to all of us, and you can't help but feel all alone with nothing to do. Maybe you're single and want so desperately to have a special someone in your life to make you feel wanted and valuable. That's normal. We all desire that for ourselves. Maybe you're struggling with guilt or pain, and you have no one to turn to. So you sit there empty.. Knowing that you won't receive any help.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and I think about everything from my friends, family, that special someone, and the stuff I'm dealing with, and suddenly.. I feel alone. Is that weird? It happens quite often. It sucks when you're dealing with something and you can't tell anyone because you don't want to bother them with your problems. It's as if loneliness has swallowed you whole.

I can be sitting in a room full of my friends, family, or classmates and I still feel all alone. Why is that? I wonder this all the time. And I think I finally figured it all out.

We shouldn't feel empty, for God makes us whole. That lonely pit inside of you can be filled. All you need is His love and grace. It's available if you want it.

We will all struggle with loneliness in this life. But the missing piece is Jesus. We should never feel like we're completely alone. We have each other, and we have a loving God. You are too amazing and too wonderful to feel that way. You were created with such delicacy and love, you can't even imagine how loved you are!! And the great news is... He never left. He has stuck around for every circumstance and moment of your life. Let Him cradle you in His arms. That loneliness will go away if you pursue Him!

I still struggle, and it's not easy, but I'm managing. Whenever I get lonely, I listen to worship music. I know that might sound strange, but it fills me up with His presence. Hillsong United is fantastic to listen to, as well as Bethel! Find something that helps you out the best! Sometimes even just simple prayers can help you out. 

Remember that His love is enough.. And it always will be. God can triumph over anything we face, including loneliness. In fact, He defeated loneliness whenever Jesus died for us on the cross. The victory is already within us. Embrace it! And live a life full of happiness and contentment, because that's what God wants for you! 

A time to change

I've come to a realization tonight: I need to change. 

I have never been this serious before in my life. I'm tired of the way I've been living. I'm tired of this empty pit inside of my heart. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm done with this.

God has been working on me, truly He has. Tonight.. I finally poured my heart out to Him. 

This past week has been such an emotional experience for me. I felt as if everything around me was caving in on me. And honestly... Everything was. But I've fought so hard.. and I will win. 

I've tried to pray several times, but it got me nowhere. I wasn't doing enough. Praying was painful. I would stop in the middle of my sentence and just quit. But not tonight.

I actually opened up my heart and cried out to Jesus. My prayer was so simple, and went a little like this:

"God.. I surrender. I'm so sorry. For everything. The way I've been living, the way I've acted, it's not me at all. I'm sorry that I've been so dependent on others and not You. I have put so much of myself into making others happy and I've depended on them for my happiness, and I've been left disappointed over and over again. I don't want to live this way anymore. I want Your love, I want Your heart. My heart is so worn and empty. I need You now more than ever." 

It's going to be a long, tough road. This doesn't mean I won't have days when I'm so lonely and empty. This just means that I'm done living in this emptiness constantly. From now on.. My source of happiness is going to come from God's love, He's the only one who will not fail me. I can depend on Him and never have to live in fear of being hurt by Him. And to me, that's truly special.

Maybe you're feeling the way I was. That you were tired of the way you've been living. Have you felt distant from God? Have you depended so much on others, only to be disappointed? You aren't alone. You truly aren't. 

Whether you were disappointed from a relationship that you put your whole heart into, only to not have the same effort returned, to a close friend or family member hurting you, it doesn't matter. We've all been there. It's time to make a change, if you're tired of it. Take a stand for yourself and do yourself a favor.

It's time to surrender. All of it. To God. Feel free to say a prayer of your own or repeat the prayer I said to God. Whatever you want to do, do it. Do it and be free. It's not going to be easy, but you aren't walking through this messy life alone. God has your best interest at heart and He wants to help you.

Change can be good. Make sure this change is right for you. Be blessed.  

Soak in His grace

This is something I've always wanted to talk about, and now I finally feel ready to do so. This message is so simple: We need Jesus.

That might sound silly, but it's the absolute truth. We cannot live without Him.

Everyday, we go through life facing obstacles and challenges. Sometimes it's a small battle, but other times, it's bigger than anything we can ever imagine. It can get discouraging and rough, and it can cause a great deal of pain and suffering. 

In these days whenever we feel so broken and hopeless, all we desperately want is answers and hope. Sometimes we cry out and pray that someone can hear us and pull us out of this pit that we're trapped in, and whenever we don't get an answer immediately, we feel all alone. But this is when God is working on our behalf. He wants us to ask Him for help. 

He created you and instilled so many beautiful qualities inside of you. He knew exactly what kind of person you would be and He planned every moment of your life. He knows the trials and the hurts that you will face, and His promises are to walk through it with you and make something amazing out of it all. The only way He can do this is if we surrender it all to Him. 

We need to start letting God take care of us. That's what He wants, and He wants to bless us with more than we can imagine. He wants to fulfill the purpose He has for us.

It doesn't matter what kind of person you are or what you've done, He looks beyond that and sees someone He spent time creating, someone who is WORTHY of His perfect love. 

We all screw up and make countless mistakes and yes, we don't deserve a God who will forgive us, but our God isn't like anything else in all of creation. He is mighty and loving and forgiving. 

You might beat yourself up over the stuff you've done, but God is trying to tell you to repent so He can REDEEM you. He can cleanse you from the inside and make you a new, better person. 

If you have a broken heart and you're trying to make sense of things, give your heart over to God. Let Him mend your broken pieces. He can make you WHOLE again. Those questions you keep asking, you'll find those answers. He's got you.

If you're struggling with addictions and temptations, surrender to Him. His love is so much stronger than those chains that are keeping you down. EVERY ADDICTION MUST BOW DOWN TO JESUS. Chains can and will be broken. I promise. 

If you feel useless and you struggle with your identity, remember His promises: YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are always going to be enough. In His eyes, you are loved and have potential to be everything He created you to do. If God is for you, who can be against you?

No matter what it is you're going through, know that you aren't going through it alone. He's so much closer than you think. Let Him pull you into His embrace. You don't have to be perfect. It's okay to screw up, we are humans and that's what we do. His grace is sufficient for you, for His power is made perfect in weakness. His love is like an ocean, it's deep and wide and powerful and pure. Once you allow yourself to get into the water, I promise you won't be able to get out. You'll forever drown in His love and grace.

If you decide to surrender it all to God, just know that I'm praying for you and am excited for your beautiful journey! As believers, we are here for one another. We are in this struggle together. 

I highly recommend you listen to these two songs after reading all of this. They have blessed me beyond belief and fill me up with His presence. I hope they do the same for you. :) 

Give me faith - Elevation Worship

I surrender - Hillsong Worship

A journey down a broken road

Someone special in my life told me I should start my own blog and get my thoughts out there, so here I am. Although I never dreamed that my first actual blog post would be written under these circumstances. 

I don't really know what to do with my life right now. I was on top of the world.. I really was. There's this saying from my favorite TV show that goes like this, "When you're young, you think that nothing can hurt you." 

This saying is true. I thought nothing could hurt me because I was finally content with everything. But here I am. 

How did I end up here?

This is all I can ask. I've loved people with every inch of my being, only to have it all spit in my face. 

I thought I was good enough.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I'm not good enough. But then I think to all those promises in the Bible where Jesus says I am loved, I am worthy, I am HIS.

I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry.

My relationship with Jesus is the only thing keeping me sane right now. I would be much more of a mess than I already am if I didn't have His love. So although I don't understand now, I know that I serve a God who works all things together for the good of those who love Him. 

It still hurts. It's always going to hurt. I'm never going to be the same person again. But there's so much beauty in pain. I just want to find the beauty in my pain. If I could choose.. I'd go back to the way things were. Because the thought of moving on and being happy again kills me. 

This broken road seems so long and difficult to walk on.. But I have no where else to turn to now. All I can do is pray and hope. I just want my own happy ending. 

I'm sure I'm not the only one experiencing something like this right now. Here's my advice to you: You're going to be okay. It's hard saying that.. But I know in my heart it's true. Jesus heals all wounds. He mends all hearts. He sees, He feels, and He walks through it with you. He collects every tear you shed in a bottle. He has so much in store for you. He turns pain into something beautiful. He's never failed, and He won't start now. So cry, scream, punch a wall, binge watch One Tree Hill, eat your heart out, and then pray. Surrender to Jesus. Let Him take your broken pieces. 

To conclude this blog post, I'll leave you with yet again another quote from my favorite TV show.

"The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning. And when it went away, he waited his entire life for it to come back to him. It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again.. And his belief in God and love and art would be reawakened in his heart."

I'll never give up on my comet.. 

There's a first time for everything!

Well this is my very first blog post ever.. And let me be the first to say.. HELLO! You have no idea how happy I am that you're currently reading this. I'll just start by introducing myself and telling you a little about me. 

My name is Jessalyn, and I am your everyday sophomore in high school. I enjoy reading, writing, listening to looooonnggggg worship songs, and laughing 24/7. My biggest passion in life is God. He is the keeper of my imperfect heart, and everything I'll ever need in life. I have a wonderful family, a great group of friends, and an amazing boyfriend. Although I don't have it altogether, I have a wonderful support system and I know how blessed I am. There is so much more to know about me and I promise you'll learn it all soon. :) 

This blog is going to consist of random stuff I'm passionate about like:

- Jesus

- Writing/Poetry

- Encouragement 

- Quotes

- Relationships

I'll have another blog post up soon, and I look forward to taking this journey with you. :)

-Jessalyn